


Flarpstuck

by Halest0rm3



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, F/F, F/M, FLARP, Humanstuck, M/M, Suggestions From The Peanut Gallery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-09
Updated: 2014-12-18
Packaged: 2018-01-18 12:01:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 56,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1427743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halest0rm3/pseuds/Halest0rm3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the beta trolls and pre-scratch kids are humans on earth where they spend their time flarping. Team Scourge led by Terezi and Vriska gets embarrased by Team Swag led by Dave and John which leads to a Flarping war and a lot of unexpected outcomes (Comment led story so leave a comment and i'll make it happen in the next chapter).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Egbert Prank

**Author's Note:**

> I don't believe in long notes so here goes  
> -Humanstuck(all trolls are humans)  
> -Vriska and Terezi are still friends(Vriska never killed aradia or injured tav)  
> \- No alpha trolls/post scratch kids  
> \- A lot of the trolls dont know each other in the beginning  
> -Im making this story suggestion-led so tell me what you want the characters to do

turntechGodhead began pestering ectoBiologist  
TG: John  
TG: Bro  
TG: Dude  
TG: Answer me  
TG: I know youre there  
TG: Youre watching me type and laughing your ass off  
TG: Dude dont even... Youre always on your computer  
TG: Fine if you won't answer me then i'm resorting to drastic measures  
TG: I didn't want to do this but don't say I didn't warn you...  
TG: Nicolas  
TG: Cage  
TG: Sucks!!  
EB: WOAH!!!  
EB: Not cool bro! Nicolas Cage is sweet.  
EB: Have you even seen the scene in Con Air where he reunites with his loving wife and daughter and gives his daughter a cute stuffed rabbit???? Classic scene of moviemaking awesomeness!  
TG: John, if all the gods of irony, shitty drawings, and awesomeness came to me and offered to show me their secrets if I watched Con Air, I would send them packing.  
TG: That movie is bad... not even ironically bad just bad.  
EB: No dude, Nicolas Cage is awesome... period.  
EB: What were you even bothering me about?  
TG: Oh yea, log on to our Flarp team.  
TG: Like now... were about to start a dungeon  
EB: Can't you handle one tiny dungeon without me? Like I know you and me are basically pulling the team on our backs but the rest of them should be able to handle one mission  
TG: Nope this is a level 7 dungeon. I go in there with our shitty ass team and without your weird Warhammer Of Zillyhoo were gonna get slammed.  
TG: Like the stupid necromancer skeletons will kill us, raise us from the dead, and then kill us again while their stupid imp minions piss all over our grist and the shadow birds send loads of shit over our twice dead bodies.  
TG: In fact the boss probably won't even fight us. He'll take one look at us and then just go back to doing whatever the hell bosses do when they're not beating the shit out of heroes  
EB: Dude we got slaughtered last week in a level 4 dungeon, what makes you think we can handle a level 7? Karkat and Sollux are just going to start whining again like they always do. And the new kid Tavros... His page abilities don't even start to kick until like around level 50 so he won't be able to help at all.  
TG: We'll be fine dude  
TG: The knight has checked in and he is taking this shit over. The monsters won't know what hit them, between you and me we'll hand their undead asses back to them.  
TG: Besides this dungeon is important . Sollux was hacking some of the games data servers and apparently theres some reallly powerful shit at the end.  
TG: So stop bitching and join the team chat  
EB: Yea yea im joining now, chill your irony spewing tits.  
ectoBiologist ceased pestering turntechGodhead

 

ectoBiologist joins TeamSwagChatRoom  
TG: Our noble leader has come to WRECK some shit.  
EB: Hey everyone!!  
CG: YEA WHATEVER THE FUCKTARDS HERE CAN WE JUST GET THIS SHIT MOVING?  
AT: u-UMM HI JOHN,,, tHANKS AGAIN FOR UMMM LE-LETTING ME JOIN THE TEAM,,, eVEN IF IM UH NOT THAT HIGH OF A LEVEL  
EB: Hey its cool tavros. Everyone starts somewhere and you'll be a really powerful page before you know it. Your improving really quickly too, like 5 levels in a week? Thats impressive dude.  
CG: HEY NOBLE LEADER THIS SENTIMENTAL CRAP IS GOING TO MAKE ME PUKE. HOW ABOUT YOU, OH I DONT KNOW, MAYBE START THE DUNGEON????  
CG: I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IM TAKING ORDERS FROM THIS DOUCHE!!! I SHOULD BE THE LEADER HERE  
tA: iidiioth you were the leader of our old team untiil you went and insulthed the biigge2t fuckiing team iin the game. iim 2tiill gettiing attacked by the fucktard2 you pii22ed off. we had two change our gamertag2, team, everythiing ju2t cau2e you have a talent for makiing every douche on thii2 2iide of the fuckiin planet hate your gut2  
CG: ALL I DID WAS CALL THEIR LEADER A IGNORANT FUCKTARD WHOS TOO STUPID TO WIPE HIS OWN ASS. AND I MIGHT HAVE SAID THAT THEIR VP IS A DISGUSTING WORTHLESS BILGESACK ON THE GARGANTUAN TEAT OF A LABORING, LEPROUS MUSCLEBEAST. AND THAT THE COMBINED BRAINMASSES OF THEIR WHOLE TEAM IS SO TINY THAT ITS EXISTENCE IS A MATTER OF CONJECTURE AMONG THEORETICAL PHYSICISTS... BUT THATS ALL!!! NO REASON TO GO ALL FUCKIN BANANAS AND DECLARE WAR ON OUR OLD TEAM.  
EB: Anyway!... Sollux you already set up all the gaming flarpstractions right?  
tA: of cour2e ii diid iim not a fuckiing iidiiot  
tA: ii can 2end iin two people at a tiime and then ii can go iin la2t  
EB: Sounds good. Me and Dave are going in first, then Karkat and Tavros, then Sollux.  
TG: You all know the drill. Me and John wreck shit up, you guys smash the shit down and then we sweep the shit out of the way. Follow our lead and don't die. 

Dave  
Your name is Dave Strider and you are currently fighting about a bagillion spiders in a Sburb dungeon. It isn't so much all the mutant spiders trying to sink their fangs into your body and feed you to their children that annoys you. I mean you know how it is, you grow up as an green 5 foot spider you're pretty much expected to try and kill every human you see. Honestly if you got pissed off for every time a mutant spider tried to kill you you would be friekin pissed all the time. Which you aren't because you're way to cool to be like that. No what annoys you is THEY JUST WON”T DIE. Seriously you've met skeletons that were easier to kill than these spiders and they're already dead. You look up at your best bro, John Egbert. He's currently bashing the brains out of a big nasty 12 foot troll with his Warhammer Of Zillyhoo. John is totally obsessed with that hammer. You've told him a bunch of times to ditch the Hammerkind specibus and pick up like a Pistolkindx2 specibus. Like totally wreck the shit out of enemies with dual wield .44 Magnums. But no he insists on using his hammer. Still it's all cool. Who are you to argue with your best bros strife deck? Either way you're happy with your 1/2bladekind specibus. People just don't get how ironic it is to kill your enemies with a sword thats split in half. The amount of irony in that is like overflowing your brain right now. Soon your head will explode with pent up irony and blow up like half the country. But for now its just awesome. Your Bro gets it. When he saw your strife deck he almost said how proud he was of you. Of course he didn't cause that would be all kinds of unironic and awkward but he did leave a mutilated smuppet in your shower to let you know how he feels. You look back at the rest of your team. That kid named Karkat is really going to town with his sickle. It might help if he would stop yelling at the top of his lungs and focused on killing but hey whatever spins his record. Sollux is busy doing his mind power thing. Making spiders attack other spiders and mind throwing ninja stars like it ain't nobody's business. Tavros on the other hand was plain getting wrecked. His lance was on the other side of the battlefield lodged in a dead spider and meanwhile he was basically just running away from a whole bunch of spiders while randomly throwing exploding potions behind him. 

“Hey John were wasting too much time here! You want to use The Windy Thing?”

“Hey I can't just call up my wind powers whenever I want! Its really tiring. Its like using your time powers.”

“Yea yea but in case you forgot I took care of those stupid flying witch mermaids in the last room, so its your turn”

“Yea yea give me a sec, i'll take care of it. 

John

Your name is John Egbert and you are about to do the The Windy Thing. To be honest you love doing the The Windy Thing. Its only like the coolest attack ever and since you've only been able to do it ever since you reached god tier(which is Flarp lingo for level 75) then you really don't mind Dave asking you to take care of these spiders. I mean sure it takes a lot of your energy points so you might not be able to do it again for a while but Dave's right. You've already spent WAY too long in this room. You put your hand against the ground.

“Lets do this” 

The wind picks up around you. You bend it toward the spiders, slowly speeding it up, slowly making the mini wind storm grow bigger. Dave asked you once what it was like to control the wind. Basically you become the wind. You are no longer John Egbert. You are a million stray gusts of wind all harnessed together for devastating awesomeness. You are this wild force of nature that wants to run wild and free. The spiders don't stand a chance. Most go flying every which way, crashing into walls, crashing into each other, leaving their black acid blood splattered all over the wall. There's one spider who didn't go flying. Its the queen spider, the largest and grossest of them all. You command the air. The air will turn into wind at your voice. There is air inside the queens lungs. The air inside the queens lungs becomes wind putty in your hands. The spider's already round body begins to bulge. She teeters uncomfortably and falls down but otherwise looks unharmed. 

“Just a little more”

The queens body inflates more and more until suddenly her eyes pop into a big mass of pus and flesh. Blinded she crawls around frantically, crushing her smaller brethren underfoot. And still she keeps on growing. Pop! There goes two of her legs. 

“Almost there”

The spiders body stops inflating for a second. She was huge before but now she just looks enormous. Like a big fat spider queen flesh balloon. And everyone knows what happens to big fat spider queen flesh balloons. 

Pop. The queens flesh splatters everywhere and with that the room is empty. You took care off the room boss so the rest of the enemies just disappear into piles of grist. 

EB: Done with this room. Hey Sollux check your map how much farther till the loot?

tA: look2 liike one bo22 and that2 iit  
tA: wait..  
tA: oh 2hiit  
tA: were not alone anymore  
tA: there'2 another team comiing up behiind u2...comiing up fast

CG: WAIT LET ME GET THIS FUCKING STRAIGHT. ANOTHER TEAM IS COMING TO STEAL OUR DUNGEON AND OUR TREASURE AFTER WE DID ALL THE FUCKING WORK OF CLEARING IT OUT?????

tA: yea theyre hauliing iid 2ay we have two maybe three miinnute2 before they reach u2

AT:u-UMM WELL WERE UH NOT GOING TO L-LET THEM STEAL OUR TREASURE,,, rI-RIGHT?

TG: No of course not. Us four will attack the boss and John will sneak past and get the treasure. We'll have it and be gone before any of these douches crash our party. 

CG: FOR ONCE I AGREE WITH THIS IDIOT. LETS GO GET SOME GODDAMN LOOT. 

Dave  
It was a good plan. It was the ONLY plan. They couldn't face off against a fresh rival team and the final boss and expect to win. Especially after just having cleared an entire dungeon. John would grab the loot and abscond and you would all meet up later to laugh at the team who thought they could pull a fast one over Team Swag. Yes you had no doubt that this was the way to go. 

At least that was until you saw the final boss. 

Now youre kind of shitting your pants about the whole plan. 

 

CG: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME SBURB?????  
CG: YOU HAD TO GIVE US A MOTHERFUCKING DRAGON. 

A motherfucking dragon. Yea that kinda described it perfectly. It had jet black scales. It had dark red slits for eyes. It had wicked sharp spines sticking out of its tail, its head, its body, you name it. Its wings were jagged and bloody. One of its claws was about half the size of your body. 

tA: 2hiit 2hiit 2hiit 2hiit  
tA: iit almost 2et me on fiire!!!!!!!!

Oh in case that wasn't enough, it also shoots out fire. Not even regular red fire, it shoots out black fire. If you weren't so worried about not being burnt to a dave crisp then you would appreciate the badass irony in this boss. 

EB: Woah Dave that dragons huge!! you want me to stay and help?

Truth was you kind of wanted John to stay and fight against the dragon with you. You two always worked best as a team. And why shouldn't you fight together? You had been the infamous dave/john SBURB duo for years now and god knows you've schooled enough flarpers to prove without a doubt that you two are the coolest pair of bros ever.  
But no. First priority was getting the treasure away from whoever had made up their mind to steal it from under Team Swags nose. 

TG: Go on get the treasure!! We can handle the dragon

You sincerely hope that John doesn't hear the lie in your voice. Truth is that dragon is probably going to kill your whole team. Then again you're too cool to give up fighting just cause its hopeless so you equip your 1/2bladekind specibus and line up a backup grenadekind specibus just in case you have the chance to chuck a few grenades down the dragons throat. 

TG: Karkat you go around the right try to flank it from behind with your scythe. Sollux you use your psychic powers to keep it busy. Try to aim for its eyes with your ninja stars. I'll take it from the front. Tavros you provide backup and heal anybody who gets injured. 

For about the first minute everything looked pretty good. You were too fast for the dragon to catch and you scored some wicked gashes on its neck with your blade, nothing lethal yet but it was only a matter of time. Sollux was sending star after star at the dragon. One caught the left eye leaving a bloody gash that might have blinded it. Karkat was behind it and coming closer with his scythe ready for the leap. Tavros was … well he was being backup. He threw a couple potions at the dragon that exploded in a mushroom cloud of gas that smelled surprisingly like apple pie. You`re not sure how much damage that actually did but hey the smell of apple pie mixed with burning dragon flesh is pretty ironic.

TG: Karkat you ready?  
CG: I WAS BORN FUCKING READY  
TG: Sollux im sending up some grenades into the air you know what to do  
tA: yeah iim ready

You equip the grenadekind specibus and toss a hell of a lot of grenades up into the air. All your grenades to be exact. Sollux does his psyonic powers thing and sends them flying towards the dragon. You reequip your ½bladekind specibus and launch yourself towards the dragons neck. Karkat is going for the dragons back with his scythe. If he can get in one good hit they could take down the boss now. They got this. Nothing could go wrong now. 

Of course thats when everything went wrong

The dragons tail swipes Karkat out of the air and into a wall. The grenades explode leaving some nasty gashes in the dragons face but he looks more annoyed then hurt. You jab your half blade into the dragons neck but the sword breaks off in half AGAIN.  
Wow you really have a talent for breaking blades in half.

Your strife deck switches to a ¼bladekind specibus which is simply not cool at all. A half a blade is totally cool and ironic. A quarter blade is just lame. 

CG: FUCK!!!! THAT HURT  
TG: Hey lets fall back and regroup  
tA: tavro2 what the fuck are you doiing???

You look as Tavros drops his lance and approaches the dragon. He looks completely different, calm and collected, not at all his usual self. 

CG: TAVROS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE GOING TO GET CHOMPED UP AND EATEN YOU PIECE OF SHIT  
tA: yea tavro2 lii2ten two the iidiiot  
AT: u-UMM NOO ITS O-OKAY,,, i KNOW WH-WHAT IM DOING

You watch him get closer and closer. He's glowing. Like a brown aura around him. He raises his hand and the dragon shrinks away. Whats happening?

You watch as Tavros gets so close he could touch the dragon. You watch as he puts his hand forward and...

Tavros pets the dragon.

He pets the dragon.

He PETS THE DRAGON.

CG: WHAT IN THE SWEET ALMIGHTY TAINTCHAFING FUCK JUST HAPPENED?

Sollux was bent over laughing his head off.

tA:hahahaha the a22hole fiinally learned two u2e hii2 page power2  
AT: sHE'S FRIENDLY NOW,,, l-LILY WILL PROTECT US,,,

Lily??? Oh god the irony...

CG: THE DRAGONS A SHE?????

You probably could've spent hours marveling at the levels of irony that this unexpected development reached but right then you had some uninvited guests join you. 

 

gC: DRAGON L3G1SL4C3R4TOR N3OPHYT3 R3DGL4R3 M3MB3R OF TH3 CRU3L3ST BAR, H3R3 ON B3H4LF OF H3R 1MP3R14L COND3C3NS1ON AND THE LAW, F1ND1NG TH3 D3F3NDANTS GU1LTY AS CHARG3D AND IN N33D OF PUN1SHM3NT

You check out the chick who just came in from behind your shades. She's kinda cute, even if she looks a little psycho. She's wearing a red and turquoise suit that would probably make any other girl look like a guy but just makes her look badass. She's wearing red shades which look almost as cool as yours. Red gloves grip a white dragon staff. Her messed up black hair sends an “I just beat up a whole bunch of badass monsters what have you done today” message. All in all she means business and by business you mean trouble. 

CG: WEVE DONE JACK SHIT. YOURE THE ONES WHO CAME BARGING INTO OUR DUNGEON.  
gC: TH3 D3F3ND4NTS 4R3 CH4RG3D W1TH H1GH TR34SON, H3R3SY, UNS4NCT1ON3D C4HOOTS, BLATANT V1OL3NC3, NOT B31NG SUFF1C13NTLY R3V3R3NT OF H3R 1MP3R14L COND3C3NS1ON, 4ND WH4T3V3R OTH3R CR1M3 1 C4N COM3 UP W1TH. TH3 PROS3CUT1ON CALLS H3R F1RST W1TN3SS TO TH3 STAND  
aG: I Marquise Spinneret Mindfang, wielder of the Flouride Octet, 8adass-extrodonaire, and hoarder of ALL the luck, say these fooooooools are guilty on aaaaaaaall charges  
gC: D3F3ND4NTS 4R3 GU1LTY UNT1L PROV3N 1NNOC3NT TH3R3FOR3 TH3 COURT F1NDS TH3 D3F3ND4NTS GU1LTY ON 4LL CH4RG3S  
aG: And the punishment for these crime issssssss... death  
aG: ::::)  
gC: >:]

TG: Hey psycho sisters, youre too late.  
TG: Our leader is already on his way to the treasure and theres nothing you can do to stop him.  
AG: Oh realllllllly? How disapointing I so wanted to meet him.

You watch the two sisters look at each other and wink before erupting into laughter. The lawyer chicks laugh is more of a cackle whereas the other chicks laugh is smooth with a touch of pride like she knows she`s better than everybody else at everything. You just look at the rest of your team wondering what the hell is so funny when you notice the Mindfang girl leap past you. You turn ready to throw your 1/4bladekind at her exposed back when you feel the other girls boots on YOUR back and next thing you know youre hitting the ground while she laughs her head off like a flock of crows.

GC: H3Y COOL K1D  
GC: YOUR3 KIND4 CUT3 YOU KNOW...  
GC: 1TS A SH4M3 YOUV3 B33N S3NT3NC3D TO D3ATH 

You can't turn around with her knee pressed down on your back and you feel a stick or maybe a cane press down on your exposed neck. You feel her tongue lick your left ear while she chokes you. Damn shes crazy. Her tongue feels warm and sticky on your ear. Her nail traces a figure on your cheek, the one that isn't pressed up against the stone. This chick is really starting to piss you off and you're way to cool to get pissed off easily.

CG: HEY PSYCHO BITCH YOU FORGOT ABOUT US!!

You feel Redglare leap off your back a moment before the whoosh of Karkat`s sickle passes right above your neck. 

GC: W3LL, 1F YOUR3 R3ALLY SO 3AG3R TO DI3 F1RST...  
GC: 1 SUPPOS3 TH3 COURT C4N... 3XP3D1T3 M4TT3RS

You roll out of the way and leap up taking note of your team. Karkat is hacking wildly at Redglare with his scythe(while of course spewing profanities as loud as he possibly can) while Sollux is launching about a dozen ninja stars at various parts of her body.

Seriously where does Sollux keep so many ninja stars?  
Wait... nevermind you REALLY don't want to know. 

You have to admit they work pretty well together. Sollux and Karkat might bicker nonstop about everything but you know that they're bros just like you and John(though not nearly as ironically badass of course)

But Redglare's fast. Faster than Karkat, or Sollux, or even(though you would never admit this to anybody) you. Her cane flies through the air blocking all of the projectiles that Sollux sends as well as deflecting every single scythe hit that Karkat tries to get on her. She's not even breaking a sweat.

AND SHES STILL CACKLING LIKE A FUCKIN MADMAN.  
Seriously if her laugh didn't scare you shitless you would probably be a little turned on by her sweet fighting style. 

You look around for Tavros and he surprises you even more than the cackling psycho bitch. 

He's riding the dragon.

He's on top of Lily like she was a young 18 year old drunk off her ass and he was a guitar player in a band with rock solid abs and a HUGE... woah you stop yourself cause seriously that metaphor got all kinds of weird really quickly. You do that sometimes... come up with strange-ass metaphors and most off the time you can just chalk it up to another ironic victory in the battle between you and your bro but sometimes they get a little TOO ironic. 

Anyway it looks like Tavros will be joining the battle soon with his pet dragon which is good cause Karkat is really getting beaten down with that cane like a street robber that tried to mug an old lady who knew some sick ninja moves and just sent a flying old lady ninja kick toward his... woah seriously you need to focus on the battle there'll be plenty of time for ironic metaphors later. 

Anyway you need to warn John that he has a girl on his tail. And not the nice kind. 

turntechGodhead began pestering ectoBiologist

TG: John get the treasure and abscond! You hear me??  
TG: You have Mindfang on your tail. You need to haul ass and reach the end before she catches you  
EB: Yea almost there. That name sounds familiar for some reason  
EB: Mindfang...  
EB: Same Mindfang who...  
TG: ambushes entire teams of flarpers and steals all their grist and equipment?  
TG: Yea  
EB: The one who...  
TG: Took down an Grimdark Deathlord with only a pair of dice?  
TG: Leader of Team Scourge? Psychotic sister?  
TG: Has never been beaten by another Flarper according to FlarpWiki?  
TG: Yes, yes, yes, and yes  
TG: You should be able to make it before she reaches you  
TG: You have a pretty big head start  
EB: Yea you got it.  
EB: Wait or I could...  
TG: Oh I don't like where this is going  
EB: Don't worry I have a plan  
EB: Actually more like...  
EB: A prank :)  
ectoBiologist  ceased pestering  turntechGodhead  
TG: Oh god just kill me now.

John  
You are John Egbert once again and you are suddenly extremely excited. Every prankster worth his salt carries an arsenal of at least 5 pranks that they are ready to use at any time and you consider yourself a VERY good prankster. This prank however you have been dying to use for a while. It is quite simply a stroke of pranksting genius. Colonel Sassacre, your hero, would tip his hat at you for coming up with such a prank. Either that or throw a pie in your face. Either one would make you insanely happy. You finally reach the chest. You have to hurry, this particular prank requires a very delicate touch to pull off. 

You do a whole lot of pranksting preparation. You could narrate each and every action you take which could of course include taking a blue frosting rocky road ice cream cake out of your sylladex but you prefer not too. You`re a prankster first and foremost and as Colonel Sassacre taught you: A prankster NEVER shares his method. Which then again why would you even have to narrate? Its just you John Egbert and you alone. Its not like theres some mysterious reader who is reading all about your life on a website called Archive of Our Own. Thats simply preposterous. 

Anyway long story short by the time Marquise Spinneret Mindfang arrives at the final room she sees you huddled in front of a treasure chest which has surely never been opened and still contains the original treasure it had before you arrived. 

EB: uh who... who are you???

You lick your lips nervously cause you are TOTALLY afraid of this chick and theres absolutely NO SECRET PLAN to increase your pranking gambit by about a bagillion points. 

AG: Woooooooow.... So youre the leader of Team Scourge?  
AG: I have to say, I didn't expect someone so weak and pathetic  
EB: I-imm not afraid of you!!  
AG: Do the nice girl a favor and step away from the loot ::::)

You step back towards the back wall cause you are seriously FREAKING OUT now. I mean that girl is TOTALLY going to steal your hard earned treasure and theres NOTHING you can do to stop her

AG: Theres a gooooooood 8oy

You watch as she opens the treasure chest which you didn't have any time to open beforehand and pulls out a rocky road ice cream cake with blue frosting that surely didn't come out of your sylladex. 

AG: A c8ke????????  
AG: Thats the “Awwesome badass loot” that eridan tipped us off about????????  
AG: Hey you! Puny 8lue 8oy in the corner!  
AG: Whats the deal with the c8ke?  
EB: It u-umm... it just increases your base aerial attack damage by 50%  
EB: You have to eat it.  
EB: You can have it if you promise not to kill me.  
AG: HAHAHAHAHA I promise nothing  
AG: But I will eat the cake cause that 8onus sounds sweeeeeeeet  
AG: ::::)

You watch as she chomps the cake down in 8 bites... exactly 8 bites. Now she's going to get a huge boost in base aerial attack damage cause you were totally telling the truth when you told her that. I mean there's no way you baked a cake with Grade A Paralysis Elixir that cost you a whole bunch of grist on the SBURB market. And you certainly have NOT been carrying it around waiting for the perfect pranking opportunity. You're not THAT awesome!

Or...

Maybe...

Just maybe...

You are!


	2. Retaliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team Scourge strikes back!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So anyway i'm really sorry for the huge wait but im going to put myself a deadline of a new chapter every wednesday so it shouldn't happen again.

_Several days in the future, but not many,_

arachnidsGrip opens chat T34M Scoooooooour8e  
AG: Heeeeeeeey sis!  
AG: Yo REDGLARE  
AG: We have ourselves a mission  
GC: R34LLY???  
GC: WH4T K1ND OF M1SS1ON 4R3 W3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT?  
AG: one dealing with justice of course  
AG: and more import8ntly...   
AG: Revenge ::::)  
GC: 1NT3R3ST1NG  
GC: DO3S TH1S PL4N P3RH4PS H4V3 SOM3TH1NG TO DO W1TH T34M SW4G?  
GC: 4ND TH3 TR4P YOU W3R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT?  
AG: of coooooooourse  
AG: they fell for my cunning ruse and are now trapped like insects in my web  
AG: we can m8ke them p8y for humili8ting us  
GC: W3 C4NT UND3R3ST1M4T3 TH3M 4G41N  
AG: And we wont!  
AG: Do we have any allies we can call on for backup?  
GC: 1 C4N 4SK TH3 POUNC3LLOR 4ND 44 FOR H3LP  
GC: 4ND YOU SHOULD G3T 3R1D4N ON BO4RD... OR SHOULD 1 S4Y DU4LSC4R?  
AG: uggggggggh do we really need him?  
AG: I really dont feel like talking to that pompous douche8ag  
GC: 4ND 1 DONT F33L L1K3 G3TT1NG T34M3D UP ON 4G41N BY FOUR FL4RP3RS 4ND 4 DR4GON SO SHUT 1T!  
GC: B3S1D3S 1 THOUGHT YOU H4D 4 TH1NG FOR H1M...  
GC: WH4T W4S TH4T ON3 DR34M YOU TOLD M3 4BOUT?  
GC: YOU 4ND H1M TR4PP3D ON 4N 3N3MY SH1P?  
GC: SP3ND1NG HOURS 4LON3 1N TH3 DUNG3ON?  
AG: I can't 8elieve I ever thought he was cute...  
AG: ughh fiiiiiiiine   
AG: 8ut only for you sis ::::)  
arachnidsGrip has left the chat  
GC: >:]

 

gallowsCalibrator begins trolling arsenicCatnip  
GC: *GC DROPS TH3 SK1N OF 4 L1ON 1N FRONT OF TH3 POUNC3LORS C4V3 4S 4 G1FT TO 4 F3LLOW HUNTR3SS*  
AC: :33 *the pouncelor is most impurresed with such a noble gift and sends the mightiest of blessings to the great beautifurl dragon warrior*  
GC: *GC F33LS TH3 C4LL OF TH3 W1LD 1N H3R BLOOD 4S SH3 SCOOPS UP TH3 POUNC3LORS BL3SS1NG W1TH H3R M1GHTY T41L*  
AC: :33 “Behind mew!!!” *The Pouncelor shouts as a big nasty cholerbear lunges fur her fellow huntress.*  
GC: *GC JUMPS OUT OF TH3 W4Y ONLY TO TURN 4ROUND 4ND SHOOT FL4M3S 4T TH3 1MPUD3NT CHOL3RB34R.  
AC: :33 *ac waits until GC is done shooting fire befur clawing up her prey with her razor sharp claws*  
GC: *GC WH1PS H3R T41L 4ROUND V1C1OUSLY  
GC: 4ND M1GHT1LY   
GC: JUST TO SHOW TH3 WORLD WHO'S BOSS*  
AC: :33 **such a furrious display of mighty purrowress strikes felines of furrear into the hearts of effurrypawdy efurrywhere!! The mighty cholerbear purromptly falls down and dies. *  
GC: (S3V3N C4T PUNS 1N 4 ROW?)  
GC: (1MPR3S1V3)  
GC: (OR SHOULD 1 S4Y... 1MPURR3S1V3?)  
AC: :33 (*blushes* aww thanks tz)   
GC: (H3Y DO YOU W4NT TO H3LP MY FL4RP T34M HUNT SOM3 PR3Y?)  
GC: (W3 COULD US3 4 B4D4SS POUNC3LOR ON OUR S1D3)  
AC: :33 (Ooh I would loove to xD)  
AC: :33 (but...)  
AC: :33 (I don't really know if I should)  
GC: (WHY?)  
GC: (1S 1T 3QU1US??? B3C4US3 1F H3S T3LL1NG YOU WH4T TO DO 4ND WH4T NOT TO DO TH3N 1M GO1NG TO T4K3 H1S SW34TY N3CK 4ND..)  
AC: :33 (Nooo don't do that!! He's only purrtecting me, like any good best friend!!)   
AC: :33 (Anyway I think I will Flarp with you guys... as long as you don't tell Equius)   
GC: (MY L1PS 4R3 S34L3D)  
AC: :33 *The pouncelor rips the head off the dead cholerbear and purrsents it to GC as a gift befur leaping into her cave to prepurr her flarping outfit*  
AC: :33 (brb)   
arsenicCatnip ceases trolling gallowsCalibrator

gallowsCalibrator begins trolling apocalypseArisen  
GC: H3Y 44 LONG T1M3 NO S33!!!  
AA: hi terezi!  
AA: yes it has been a l0ng time hasn't it?  
GC: SOOOO  
GC: WH4T 4R3 YOU UP TO?  
GC: 4NYTH1NG 1NT3R3ST1NG?  
AA: n0t really  
AA: I was actually ab0ut t0 g0 0n an indiana j0nes m0vie marath0n  
GC: AGAIN?  
GC: ARADIA JUST HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU WATCHED THOSE MOVIES?  
AA: umm...  
AA: n0t en0ugh?  
AA: Indiana J0nes is awes0me!!  
GC: WELL CAN COOL WHIP GUY WAIT?   
GC: MY FLARP TEAM IS GOING ON A MISSION AND WE COULD USE YOUR HELP  
AA: 0kay s0unds great!!  
GC: THANKS ARADIA!!! I SENT YOU THE LINK   
AA: 0u0  
AA: N0 that d0esn't l00k right!  
AA: 0v0  
AA: 0h screw it!  
AA: :)  
GC: >:]  
gallowsCalibrator ceases trolling apocalypseArisen

ectoBiologist begins pestering turntechGodhead  
EB: You almost ready?  
TG: Yea, these gaming flarpstractions are a pain in the ass to set up though  
TG: I have no idea how Sollux does it, we should give that guy a raise  
EB: Well are you almost done?  
EB: We were supposed to be at the meeting point 7 and a half minutes ago  
TG: Hey i'm supposed to be the time character here dude, don't go stealing my thunder  
TG: I mean if I can't tell time then all I am is Knight of Shitty Swords  
TG: And that's just not cool bro if you get my drift   
EB: You could always be Knight of Sick Beats  
EB: Rap all our enemies to death  
EB: Spread fear into the hearts of annoying dungeon monsters everywhere  
TG: Haha very funny  
TG: There the gaming flarpshits are done  
TG: You ready or what?  
TG: For the record I still think this is a shitty idea  
TG: Like on a scale from mouse shitty to king kong shitty this idea is probably huge ass elephant shitty  
EB: Yea I know I don't trust them either, but come on they're supposed to be our allies  
TG: Yea well call me crazy but a team called Team Massacre doesn't seem like the most trustworthy team to have as an ally.  
EB: The point is they're powerful so if we don't meet up with their leaders like we agreed then we just lost a powerful ally and probably gained a dangerous enemy.   
TG: Yea yea I know.  
TG: I still think we should have brought Tavros and his pet dragon along  
EB: They said just leaders  
EB: Don't worry so much I have a couple tricks up my sleeve in case things get ugly  
TG: Oh a couple tricks up your sleeve that makes me feel SO much better like you have no idea. I was up here all worried and shit that we could be walking into a trap but its all good cause Egbert has a couple of tricks up his sleeve and down his trousers.   
EB: Last one of my tricks worked out pretty well if you remember  
TG: Yea that was pretty badass not going to lie.   
TG: I guess at least some of my coolness must have rubbed off on you  
EB: Oh shut up. Anyway I'm going in, you come in next. 

_Several minutes into the future but not many..._

AG: weeeeeeeell look who walked into our little trap  
GC: H3Y COOL K1D  
GC: M1SS M3???  
TG: ...  
TG: Hey John?  
EB: Yea I know, I know. You were totally right and Dave Strider is without a doubt the smartest piece of shit to ever STRIDE around the earth( hehe see what i did there). I should just kneel at your feet and pledge my undying service to the awesomeness that is Strider. In fact if I WAS NOT A HOMOSEXUAL I would be totally up in your junk right now cause you are just that awesome and next time you tell me "Yo John Dude this is a trap" then I'll be like "Bro You're TOTALLY RIGHT! Lets go on a roadtrip to Vegas instead!!!!" We'll get Rose and Jade and Rose's cousin Roxy and we'll all get drunk instead of walking right into a trap like a couple of douches. Also I would totally give you a cool kid fist bump for knowing this was a trap beforehand but you are simply too cool for my fistbumps and my poor fist would probably just like melt or turn into ashes like Ian Hart in Harry Potter. Anything else I'm forgetting to say?  
TG: Naah I think you got most of it.  
TG: So psycho sisters are you going to introduce us to your new psycho friends?  
TG: I mean thats like common courtesy before a 5 on 2 ambush  
AC: :33 Hai, mew name is AC, the purrious and mighty pouncelor!  
AA: And I am Ap0calypta, queen 0f the dead and ruler 0f the underw0rld!  
CA: wwwwell my name is none of your business but if you must knoww it is Orphaner Dualscar!!!  
CA: i rule the sevven seas wwith an iron fist blowholing impudent ships dowwn to the depths wwith a mere shot from my insanely awwesome gun ahab crosshairs and i am quite the simply the most refined bloodthirsty powwerful pirate you wwill evver havve the misfortune of meeting and unlike you pair of lousy excuses for flarpers i happen to possess the...  
AG: Hey DUALSCAR how about you shut the fuck up before your overinfl8ted ego pops all over us like a 8loody pimple?   
AG: 8esides I am the true master of the seas.  
AG: Aaaaaaaall the seas  
TG: Yea I kinda agree with psycho sister #2  
AG: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME????????  
TG: I mean its one thing to try to ambush the coolest pair of Flarpers in the history of ever, that kind of shit happens to us every weekend. We're just way too ironic, im telling you its like a curse. We can't do one lousy dungeon without a whole bunch of wannabe Dave and Johns trying to either kiss our asses or blow us up. So one lousy ambush, its nothing new, we just take it in STRIDE(see John you're not the only one who can do shitty puns) but to trap us here and then talk our ear off, thats just plain not cool. And trust me I know about cool, I could teach a FUCKIN CLASS on how to be cool(in fact I kind of do on one of Bro's websites). Its actually IRONICALLY SWEET, some of these losers are paying me like 150 bucks to learn from the one and only...  
EB: Dave?  
TG: Right getting to the point. Anyway if you're going to TRY and ambush us, all emphasis on TRY cuz this shit is just too ironic, how about you get it over with.  
GC: COOL K1D 1 TH1NK 1M L1K1NG YOU MOR3 4ND MOR3  
GC: ON3 OF TH3S3 D4YS 1 M1GHT 4CTU4LLY C4LL YOU BY YOUR R34L N4M3  
TG: Aww im touched  
TG: Tell you what,  
TG: Day that happens I'll go and plant a little Strider sugar on that quick tongue of yours  
TG: Legend says a kiss from me will make a person the hottest piece of shit in the universe so you should look forward to it.  
GC: YOU SUR3 KNOW WH4T TO PROM1S3 4 G1RL COOL K1D  
GC: M4YB3 L4T3R   
GC: BUT FOR NOW 1'LL S3TTL3 FOR K1LL1NG YOUR FL4RP 4V4T4R  
GC: T34M SCOURG3 C4PTUR3 THOS3 TWO CR1M1N4LS!!!!

You're Dave Strider and you are, wait what the hell are you doing? This is no time to be introducing yourself to an invisible narrator no matter how insanely ironic that sounds. You and your bro are SCREWED like a screw that got turned one too many times with a phillips head and this could be the end of your SWEET ASS-KICKING flarpvatars. 

"Any chance of our avatars surviving this?" 

"About the same chance of one of my bro's smuppets being elected as president then having a gay affair with Bill Clinton, then going on Oprah, then making out with Oprah and honking her boobs on air." 

"Soo no chance?" 

"No fucking chance at all" 

"Damn" 

"I know" 

"Its an honor to die at your side King Strider" 

"Don't go quoting your shitty movies at me! If im going to die next to my best bro then we are not quoting movies while we do it." 

"Well then how about one last Flarpvatar fist bump? For old times sakes." 

You look over at the dude next to you, man John is simply the coolest best bro ever. 

"One Flarpvatar fist bump for the world to remember us by" 

**[COOL KID LAST STAND FLARPVATER FIST BUMP](http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/52/6b/a8/526ba81bfe02acf46ea871346e67b02a.jpg)**

And that was all the time you had before the fighting started. You wish you could say that you gave a hell of fight before being completely overwhelmed by sheer numbers and brute force and if anybody who wasn't there ever asks that’s EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED(Got that invisible omnipotent narrator???), but the truth is they took you down pretty easily. The cat chick who calls herself AC basically went to town on you, clawing you up all over. She's not quite as fast as Neophyte or you but she makes up for it with her WICKED set of claws and her acrobatic fighting style that makes it REALLY FRIEKIN TOUGH to hit her. And if that wasn't bad enough Neophyte, the chick who held her own against you, Karkat, Sollux, Tavros, and a GODDAMN DRAGON, whips out her dragon cane and rips huge swaths of health out of your health meter in just a couple of seconds. 

If you were at all the type of person to share your feelings with random strangers you might admit that Neophyte is kind of smoking hot. Like drop dead kill me now hot. Its not really her appearance, though she does have a knockout body and a pretty sweet pair of shades, but the way she acts. She's so calm and collected while she kicks your ass. She knows she's fucking amazing so she doesn't have to really show it off. Like the opposite of Karkat. She's just really badass and that’s all there is to say on the matter. 

No seriously that’s all! Like if there was a biography on her it would be one sentence long and it would say "This chick is BADASS" 

Anyway... 

So back to the fight? 

Fight? Oh right the fight!!!

Anyway long story short you end up with AC pounced on top of you like a really really big kitten which would be TOTALLY ADORABLE if she didn't have 7 inch claws digging into your neck and none other than Mrs. Neophyte Redglare resting the point of her cane against your forehead. 

Oh and there’s also a little red holographic screen in front of your face which is flashing the words  "HEALTH CRITICAL" over and over again. Oh gee thanks Sburb! I hadn't noticed that I just got my ass handed to me by two chicks thank you so much for reminding me that my Flarpvatar is about to die!! 

Oh and it looks like they finally got John. Wait what?! Whoa what just happened?? No you know what??? This is too awesome to be told from your perspective you’re switching over to John. Well technically you're switching over to past John but whatever. You're the knight of time and even you don't pay too much attention to all the temporal logic stuff. 

_Past John from 1:37 minutes ago_

One sweet fist bump from your best friend and you, John Egbert, are ready to put up a fight. Cat girl and Neophyte go directly for Dave which leaves you with Mindglare, Apocalypta, and annoying purple dude whose name you can't remember. Well technically the annoying purple dude is kind of just chilling against the wall. Maybe he doesn't really want to fight. Either way you're not complaining, its one less person to take care of. The other two are taking their sweet time to come closer which gives you just enough time to use... 

[THE WINDY THOR MOVE!!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNvUrMA5ClM)

THE WINDY THOR MOVE is quite simply the coolest move ever, even cooler than the windy thing(even though it technically is the windy thing just a little modified). You've done it HUNDREDS OF TIMES and each time you're left astounded... 

Okay you know what, you can't lie to yourself. Truth is you've never actually tried THE WINDY THOR MOVE.. You were watching Thor with Jade yesterday(not a classic like Con Air but still a pretty good movie) and Thor did this cool thing where he lifted his hammer up and called down lightning and so you were thinking that you could do that as your Flarp Avatar except instead of lightning you would just call down a hurricane(and maybe the hurricane would come with lightning who knows?) and it would be SWEET. So yea this is probably going to be your last chance to try it so its either going to fail spectacularly or be insanely awesome.  
(Spoiler alert: Its insanely awesome) 

"You have no idea who you're dealing with" Haha you've ALWAYS wanted to say that! 

AG: Oh reaaaaaaaally?   
AG: Well then show me, I'll let you have the first move ::::) 

Okay come on Thor time to shine!! All or nothing!! You raise your hammer to the skies(or the roof in this case) and call upon your wind powers. A spinning vortex forms at the base of the hammer raising you like 6 feet above the ground. 

AG: booooooooring 

Come on lightning isn't THAT far away from wind, just one little stroke of lightning would be awesome. You focus and ...  
Boom!  
Yep. You called down lightning, you are now officially a badass. Not only that but the vortex around you is now electrified with yellow crackles of energy. And if that wasn't cool enough you're hammer is now on fire. Bright blue fire to be exact. 

AA: Woah cool!  
AG: Ehh its ok8y i guess

Okay you're two for two, time for the grand finale. Third time's the charm.You have no idea what to do so you're just going to go with the flow and see if anything cool happens. Okay so you have a flaming hammer, lets toss that up in the air. Cool its spinning around really fast. Oh hey its also growing!! That could come in handy, as long as it doesn’t get too big for you to handle. 

What should you do next? I mean besides attack because even though you are doing some really sweet windy moves you're still outnumbered. 

Apocalypta answers that question for you by launching her whip at you. Guess she got tired of the show. You react on instinct and right before the whip reaches you you dissolve into wind. 

Woah wait what?? 

You LITERALLY DISSOLVED into wind. That is SO UNBELIEVABLY AMAZING that you almost don't believe it. I mean right now YOU ARE WIND AND IT FEELS AMAZING. The two of them are just as surprised too looking around wildly waiting for you to reappear. (Purple dude would have probably been surprised too but he's busy polishing his gun right now. Seriously why did they even bring him?) Man controlling wind might be great but BEING wind is like A BAGILLION TIMES BETTER. Okay no time to waste might as well go out with a bang. You launch yourself towards your now enormous hammer and turn back into human right before you grab it out of the air. Another gust of wind pushes you back down... straight towards Mindfang. 

You crash on top of her and the two of you crumple to the ground. Her dice go flying to the side but there's no magic retaliation which means she probably dropped them on accident instead of tossing them. Her hands are empty and her eyes are wide with surprise. You take her sword from her scabbard before she recovers her wits and put it up against her neck. 

AG: John you are simply fuuuuuuuull of surprises aren’t you?  
AG: aaaaaaaall the surprises  
AG: ...  
AG: I give up  
AG: I’m raising my hands a8ove my head so you can tie them together if you want  
AG: There's some rope on my 8elt that you can use

You untie the rope from her belt with one hand and start to loop it around her arms. You lean forward a little closer to be able to tie the knot and are almost finished when she whispers your name. 

AG: psst…  
AG: Joooooooohn?

You stop for a second and look at her. Mindfang's smiling right now and not like one of those evil smirks that you’ve seen her with, she’ really smiling. She bites her lip nervously and you have to admit that when she isn’t trying to kill you Mindfang is simply gorgeous. She has really long dark hair with blue highlights and her eyes are promising you countless secrets. Plus she smells really good, like the smell of the sea on Grandpa Harley’s boat, or the smell of coconuts which is kind of a weird thought because you’ve never actually tried a coconut but somehow you know this is what coconuts must smell like. For a couple of seconds you forget about the knot and simply look at the girl underneath you. 

AG: John do you want to hear a secr8t?  
AG: I can’t tell it to any8ody else so come a little closer and I’ll whisper it to you 

What’s she playing at? Is she trying some trick to get free? You wouldn’t put it past her and yet… she seems so peaceful and you kind of really want to hear this secret of hers. 

She notices your hesitation  
AG: Come on John, you have my sword its not like I can really doooooooo anything  
AG: Come on one tiny secret, 8adass rival to another 8adass rival  
AG: Don’t you want to hear my gr8test secret that I haven’t told anyoooooooone else?  
AG: I haven’t even told my sister  


Wow the smell of her hair is really clouding your thoughts. Still she has a point, you have her sword and your hammer and you’re on top of her so it shouldn’t hurt to hear what she has to say. 

You move back away from her hands and look her in the eyes, the wide innocent eyes promising you the world, with just a hint of blue eyeshadow around it that suits her personality. 

“Okay I’m curious, what’s this secret?” 

AG: Lean just a little closer, I don’t want Ghost Queen over there to hear

Just a little closer and wow your noses are almost touching and she has really long lashes you’ve never noticed that before.  
“This is close enough, what’s the secret?” 

“Do you see my lipstick John?” 

“umm yeah” Its blue of course. Not too much to the point where it looks tacky, but enough that it draws your eyes and keeps it there on her, on her lips. 

“It’s maaaaaaaagical John, it’s the source of all my powers” 

You’re only half paying attention to what she’s saying because right now your mind is running in about a million different directions and you would be ashamed of most of them if you were in your right mind. 

“Magical? How?” 

“Look closer John… don’t you see the magic on it? Look closer. 

You look closer and that’s when she kisses you. 

You are once again Dave Strider, namely because John Egbert can't even think right now let alone narrate, and you saw everything. Well actually no you didn’t get to see THE WINDY THOR MOVE because you were kind of busy fighting and all that BUT you did see Mindfang totally seduce John and stick her tongue down his throat 

And of course its John so no surprises when he drops his sword and his hammer. Knowing him he’s probably remembering the scene from that movie he showed you where the swashbuckling female pirate falls for the cute but naive slave boy and oh god you can’t believe you remembered that movie, you’ve been seeing WAY too many movies with John lately. 

Anyway unlike John, your brain is not being flooded with a whole bunch of teenage hormones so you can't say you're surprised when Mindfang rolls them both over and places her newly regained sword at his throat. 

AG: I win ::::) 


	3. Escape?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter in which dave gets some unexpected help, a wall gets massacred, two fanfics are referenced, three youtube vids are linked, one seadweller disapears, one moment of sexual tension, two possible ships are discussed, and aa number of dastardly pranks are pulled

**So who are you?**

Wait what? 

**I mean there's honestly a lot of choices. You could be Vriska, or Terezi, or Nepeta, or Dave, or John, hell you could even be SOME RANDOM PERSON not even related to the story.**

Hey lets try that! Being a random person sounds pretty fun!!

**Locate random person!!**

Your name is Soul and right now you are fighting with THE COOLEST PARTNER EVER. Who are you fighting? Well you fight all the kishin, which are basically like evil souls that turn into human eating monsters, but right now your fighting this dude named Mosquito who is WEIRD. If you were someone like Dave Strider you would probably make fun of his nose or his round body and you might throw in a metaphor or something but lets face it you’re Soul. Soul is cool in a "I can turn into a scythe so lets face it I don't really need to talk to you" way. Except with [Maka Albern](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4glt8bT8ak), your partner, because she knows just what to say to get you annoyed but that’s a whole other story. Anyway you would love to stay and chat but you have a [concert to play](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feZcSBRuubU). This black blood isn't going to spread itself you know! 

SOUL RESONANCE!!

**Okay... that was weird**

You know what? I totally agree. Let's not do that again. But then who should we be?

**Ooh ooh be that wall!!**

Why what’s so special about that wall?

**Well why don't you be the wall and find out?**

Okay... I guess

**Be that Wall!!**

You are Frederick Françoise and you actually think your name sounds pretty awesome but nobody ever calls you Frederick Françoise. Its kind of sad. Everybody just calls you the fourth wall. I mean its not that you're not proud of being a wall! You're a part of a huge line of walls and one day you hope to be as strong as your great great ancestor "The Great Wall of China" but the thing is sometimes you feel like your parents are almost ashamed of you. Your other three siblings always get all the praise and attention. Your oldest brother is going to school to be one of those police interrogation walls that are transparent on one side and solid on the other. Your sister is going to some private liberal arts college to be one of those new age hippy colorful walls in San Francisco. And then your other brother is training to be a firewall on the internet. But you? You kind of just sit around and do nothing. Apparently being a fourth wall is kind of a big deal but frankly you don't see what all the fuss is about and if you had a choice then you would probably just OUCH!! 

WHAT THE FUCK?!! 

GEEZ IT FEELS LIKE SOMEONE IS CUTTING YOU OPEN OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO OH GOD YOURE DYING FUCK YOU WANT TO LIVE YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR 

Oh god. You're probably in shock right now. This is kind of scary. Youre... youre cut in half and the guy who broke you is just standing over there with a machete and oh god you'll never get to see your family again. Guess this is it. You've been a pretty good wall, maybe God will bring you up to heaven. Maybe, maybe he'll even let you be one of the walls of heaven. That.. oh god it hurts... that would make your parents proud you think... 

**Follow wall to heaven**

You follow Frederick as he slowly... 

_"HEY YOU!"_

Woah whos that?

**I actually have no idea...**

_"YEA YOU!"_

"Me?"

_"NO NOT WHITE TEXT GUY! BOLD TEXT GUY! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE MESSING WITH MY STORY? SERIOUSLY YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG OMNIPOTENT NARRATOR!!! IM GOING TO TAKE YOUR STUPID BOLD FORMATTING AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS UNTIL YOU START TALKING IN WINGDINGS"_

**oh god just shoot me now**

"Who's he?"

**Oh he's the fucking narrator and ghjkasdqkjhssdageezsadbhjahesslamminhgkeyboardhelp!!GU!U!!sdfzkljfdcvoqcxbxqxqxobxqefblswlll**

_"WARNED YOU"_

_"ANYWAY SCRAM! THIS STORY IS WAY OFF TRACK AND ITS UP TO ME TO GET IT BACK TO WHERE IT NEEDS TO BE"_

**Im leaving already you didn't fucking have to do that you have no idea how painful wingdings is. Anyway kid?  
**  
"me?"

**Yea you! Good luck with this asshole, it was good talking to you**

"Yea see ya"

Wow so what should you do now? To be honest you're going to miss bold text guy, he might have been bossy but he was good company. And besides now you're lost. There's nobody telling you who to be and what to do. 

Should you try to be one of the characters? Should you maybe try to be the narrator?

_"WOAH WOAH YOU WANT TO BE ME? NOT HAPPENING WHITE TEXT GUY! I MEAN BESIDES THE FACT THAT IM OMNIPOTENT AND BEING ME WOULD PROBABLY GIVE YOU BRAIN DAMAGE OR SOMETHING THATS STILL KIND OF RUDE TO JUST ASK TO BE SOMEONE. ANYWAY TELL YOU WHAT, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BE SOMEONE THEN HOW ABOUT YOU BE DAVE? IM GOING TO HAVE TO TALK WITH HIM IN A MINUTE ANYWAY OR ELSE THIS STORY IS GOING TO GO TO SHIT"_

Okay that sounds reasonable to you. You are officially Dave Strider and just in case you spaced out and/or have short term memory loss you are currently HOPELESSLY BONED. You have two badass girl flarpers holding you down with CLAWS at your throat and a sword cane on your face. Man if bro could see you he would give you such flack for letting yourself get taken down so easily. 

A holographic screen pops up in front of you.

_legendaryGodling_ begins pestering turntechGodhead  
 _LG: Are you ready?_  
TG: Who the fuck are you?  
 _LG: A friend_  
 _LG: Are you ready?_  
TG: Hey bro you can't just waltz up and say you're my friend  
TG: You have to fill out the application and go through the interview and all that. After that my beloved fans will process your application and you'll get a decision in 3-4 weeks. Its a long process.   
_LG: Hey Dave_  
 _LG: Shut up_  
TG: How do you know my name?  
TG: Hey are you my first stalker?  
TG: I mean are you another one of the many stalkers I have because im just that awesome?  
 _LG: I know everything Dave_  
TG: Oh sure let me guess you're like a god or something and you came to earth because you fell in love with me and you want to bring me up to heaven to be your handsome knight in red  
TG: Well I got news for you. Dave Strider don't fall for no god   
TG: Woah what'd you do???  
TG: Why is my text invisible??  
TG: Dude not cool whatever you did turn it back  
 _LG: I have a lot to say and not a lot of time to say it_  
TG:   
TG:  
 _LG: Unless I help you, both you and your friend are losing your avatars_  
TG:   
TG:  
TG:  
 _LG: And the higher ups don't want that._  
 _LG: I have very direct orders to make sure you escape_  
TG:  
TG:  
TG:  
 _LG: When I say go, use your time powers_  
TG: What the hell dude?! Who are you? And I'm pretty sure slowing down time isn't going to help me when they have fucking claws at my throat  
 _LG: Go_  


 

 

Your name is DAVE STRIDER and your shit JUST GOT BLOWN! Not even like homemade explosive blown im talking like FUCKIN-NUKE-BLOWN. Your shit is like flying to the moon now and dying from radioactive poisoning.

Why you ask?

Well first off you got a message from this weird stalker dude, but okay that kind of shit happens a lot to cool guys like you. No what really blew your shit is that everyone, including John, is now ICE FROZEN. Not like literally frozen in ice cause you ain’t like the PRINCE OF ICE, but they might as well be. You eased out from under the claws at your throat and cat girl didn't even move a muscle. I mean your time powers are UNDENIABLY AWESOME but you've never like frozen time. Heck that's supposed to be COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE at least according to Flarp wiki. 

Oh hey another message from stalker dude. Maybe he knows what’s up,

_LG: Your Welcome_  
TG: You did the time freezing shit?  
 _LG: Technically you did it_  
 _LG: I simply helped you a little_  
TG: So what?  
TG: I can just like up and abscond and then they'll unfreeze?  
 _LG: Yea but you should hurry,_  
 _LG: They won't stay frozen forever_  
TG: Point made. I am now hurrying my shit and absconding  
TG: Just need to get my bro John and we'll disappear like the badasses we are  
 _LG: Unfortunately that won't be happening_  
TG: What won't be happening?  
TG: Taking John?  
TG: No bro that's like priority number one  
TG: He's like agent J and im like agent K  
TG: We stick together  
TG: He's like extra sticky jam and I'm extra crunchy peanut butter _LG: Regardless, if you try to move him they will all unfreeze_  
 _LG: You should trust me when I say there will be chances to rescue him in the future_  
 _LG: After all I am pretty much omniscient so I know what i'm talking about_  
TG: I can't leave him  
TG: So they wake up big deal!  
TG: We'll just show them who's boss and then he can do his windy thing and take us away  
 _LG: This is my last message to you_  
 _LG: Unfortunately it seems that a new fourth wall is on his way and after he comes I won't be able to interfere again_  
 _LG: Just know that if you wake up John you will both die_  
 _legendaryGodling_ ceased pestering turntechGodhead  
TG: Fuck

You're Dave Strider and right now you seriously considering abandoning your partner in crime to the mercy of a couple of PSYCHO SISTERS. If there was any chance that the two of you could fight these losers off and escape then you would be SHAKING THE HELL out of your best bro but honestly you would just get taken down again and that's NOT SOMETHING that you are looking forward to. No hope for it, you're going to have to abscond and come back later with reinforcements, bust John out of jail and give him the MANLIEST HUG EVER in the history of HOSTAGE ESCAPES. 

Still if you're going to leave you might as well take advantage of the fact that they're all frozen. You walk up to Redglare.

"Hey Redglare nice shades!! Mind if I borrow them?"

"What's that?"

"You don't mind? Okay thanks"

You take off your shades which were MYSTERIOUSLY CRACKED during the course of the fight and replace them with Redglare's WICKED TRIANGULAR SHADES. 

You're considering what other DASTARDLY PRANKS to pull(John would be so proud of you) when you notice Cat Girl slowly blink.

Oh shit does this mean they're unfreezing? Time to mount a motorcycle and drive off into the sunset with a metaphorical girlfriend. Man you need to get a motorcycle for these Flarp missions, maybe ILLEGALLY UPGRADE it with like rocket launchers or something. 

 

turntechGodhead joins TeamSwagChatRoom while on a motorcycle  
TG: Hey underlings  
TG: Bozos  
TG: Valued employees of the corporate monster  
TG: Karkat your face makes children halfway across the world spontaneausly combust  
TG: Sollux you FUCKING SUCK at programming  
TG: Tavros you there bro?  
TG: Hell I'll even take Lily  
TG: Lily you there, im ready to ride off into the sunset with you?  
tA: thit dave dethperate much?  
TG: Sollux thank god! I need you to send our most elite forces  
tA: what?  
TG: I need you to gather our troop of ninjas  
TG: Send the backup  
TG: Support your leaders  
TG: I need BODIES THAT CAN FIGHT, I dont even care if they're zombies at this point hell an undead zombie army sounds kind of nice right about now  
tA: why do you need uth?  
TG: John's been captured by the enemy and we need to break him out  
TG: He's a princess in the tallest room of the tallest tower and we need to defeat the dragon and lift him from his curse  
TG: FUCKING ASIAN PINEAPLES  
tA: what happened?  
TG: Naah almost crashed into this elf flarper with HUGE KNOCKERS. Im pretty sure they would have bounced me right back into Team Scourges loving embrace.  
CG: WHAT THE BLITHERING FECULENT SHITHOLE IS HAPPENING?  
TG: Karkat sweet you're here  
CG: IM NOT YOUR FUCKING SPAZ MAGGOT STRIDER WHO JUST FOLLOWS YOU AROUND ALL THE DAY LIKE THE SHITSTAINED ASSWIPE THAT IS EGBERT. THIS BETTER BE GOOD I WAS WATCHING A MOVIE  
CG: THEN AGAIN WHO AM I FUCKING KIDDING THIS IS STRIDER. OH GO ON DEAR AND WONDROUS LEADER ENLIGHTEN US WITH THE HEAVENLY SHIT THAT YOU PULLED OUT OF YOUR ASS.  
TG: Karkat shut the fuck up for a second.  
TG: Listen im making you temporary leader of Team Swag.  
TG: Hell ill make you chief General of Team Swag  
TG: I'll give you a fucking uniform and everything with a little badge and trophy that you can polish every night before going off to bed  
TG: Just get the team and any other fighters you can trust to this location that im sending you  
turnTechGodhead posted savejohnthehelplessprincess.gif  
TG: Got it?  
CG: I'LL GET THESE PETULENT MAGGOTS THERE  
CG: IM A NATURAL FUCKING BORN LEADER AFTER ALL  
TG: Good.  
TG: I'll be waiting at the rendevouz point.  
turntechGodhead leaves TeamSwagChatRoom  
CG: ALL RIGHT LISTEN UP YOU DISORDERED SHIT RINSERS. I AM THE FUCKING LEADER SO YOU ALL NEED TO LISTEN TO ME

 

You are Marquise Mindfang, well I mean technically you're Vriska Serket but every halfway decent Flarper has a Flarpname, and you just saw one of your two prisoners disappear into thin air. Not the one you were holding(who you have to admit really impressed you with his powers) but the one your sis was taking care of. You'll make fun of her later for letting her prey escape, right now priority one is recapturing the prisoner. 

"Hey where'd the loser go?"

GC: 1 DONT KNOW  
GC: H3 W4S R1GHT H3R3 4 S3COND 4GO  
GC: H3Y 4C C4N YOU CH3CK R34LLY QU1CK TO S33 1F H3'S 4ROUND H3R3 H1D1NG?  
AC: :33 *the pouncelor quickly bounds off to search fur her prey" 

You turn your attention to the person you're holding, the one who's outwitted you twice.

"Where'd your friend go? Tell me and I might just let you live... after taking all your grist and equipment of course"

EB: psh ill never tell you

"How long did it take you to build up your avatar to this level? I'm guessing at least 5 years."

You run your nail across his cheek and down his neck and lean down to whisper into his ear

"I would sure hate to ruin all that work but you know sometimes my hand just slips and I can't help what happens when it does"

To make your point come across you slowly draw the sword down the side of his neck, not hard enough to cut, but enough that he can feel it moving on his skin. You can feel his heart beat faster and his eyes grow wide with fear. 

EB: Okay I'll tell you! Its not like you'll be able to catch him anyway.

"tell me" You breathe warm air against his neck and are rewarded by him squirming a little.

EB: He's umm..  
EB: I really don't want to say

"Tell me" you dig your nails into his arm.

He nods slowly and opens his mouth. His eyes widen suddenly and he stiffens.

EB: He's... He's right behind you!!!!

You swivel around and whip out your sword to bring it around and stab right through... air.

There's nothing behind you except air. You turn back towards John who's suddenly collapsed in laughter

EB: Oh my god!! I can't believe you fell for that! Hahaa oh my god I can't stop laughing my ribs are hurting. The look on your face when I said that!! Priceless!!

Your "partner" over there is also collapsed on the floor laughing her ass off.

GC: H4H4H4H4H4 G33Z S1ST3R YOU JUST GOT BUUURRRNNN33D!!

Nobody tricks you like that and worst of all HUMILIATES you in front of your sister. You pick him up by his shirt but he keeps on laughing like a lunatic. You slam him against the wall and that brings him back to reality. 

"Listen punk you're going to tell me what you know and you're going to tell it to me now or you won't be laughing much longer, do you understand Joooooooohn?"

He smirked. The idiot smirked at your threat like it was some big joke. You're going to teach him to smirk at a threat from Marquise Spinneret Mindfang.

"Redglare can I borrow your dagger for a second?"

She picks herself off the floor and hands you her dagger with exxagerated politeness. 

GC: WHY OF COURS3 M1NDF4NG!! F4R B3 1T FROM 4 S1MPL3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR TO D3NY 4 R3QU3ST FROM ON3 4S D4NG3ROUS 4ND B34UT1FUL 4S YOU

The handle is obnoxiously bright red, and the steel isn't quite as well tempered as your old dagger but it will do.

You hold the blade of the knife right behind his left ear digging into the back of his earlobe and push your face closer to his, glaring at him.

"Answer my questions or you lose an ear. It won't drain your HP or CP to the point of unconsciousness or death, but it will hurt... a lot"

"Do you understand?"

His eyes frantically look between yours and he licks his lips nervously. His leg shakes uncontrollably against yours.

"I said do you understand?"

You lean a little closer and dig the knife a little deeper. This kid has got guts but NOBODY crosses Mindfang and gets away with it. 

He opens his mouth a little then closes it hastily. He looks to the left as if he was trying to look at the knife behind his ear

"Whaaaaaaaats the matter John? Spider got your tongue?"

EB: I ummm

"I what, John?"

EB: I think i...

"Tell me and I won't hurt you"

He swallows and looks straight at you. Strange, he doesn't seem as frightened as he was a couple seconds ago

EB: I think I love you  
AC: :33 *GAAASSPP* 38DDDD

What?!! What did he just say? You move too slowly when he knocks the knife away from your hand, you don't move when you see him throw something against the ground, you slowly step back when a huge cloud of smoke blocks your vision and makes everything a swirl of thick gray. 

He steps out of the smoke, actually more like the smoke steps out of his way and he walks closer to you. You reach for your sword before realizing you left it on the ground somewhere behind you. Stupid!! He walks right up to you and you ball your fists up ready to punch his stupid face. He makes a little gesture and suddenly the wind is pushing your fists back. It's like trying to push against a really soft plushy mountain. 

He walks up to you and jams his lips against yours. You moan in surprise. This kiss isn't like the one you gave him. In that one you had stuffed your tongue down his throat and kissed him almost violently. No this kiss is more chaste, tender. He pulls apart after a couple of seconds.

"That was payback" He whispers before the smoke covers him once more and you can no longer see anything around you but gray.

John POV

You're feeling pretty proud of yourself. Not only did you finally get a chance to pull out those tricks from under your sleeve(technically the smoke pellets were in your pockets not your sleeves but whatever) but you also took a leaf out of Mindfangs book. You have to admit its a brilliant strategy, this whole kissing the person who has a weapon at your throat before escaping from them. And it worked! The smoke is all around you but hey you're the heir of breath you can just tell the smoke to make a path for you towards the exit and then you'll be far gone by the time the effects of the pellets wear off. 

Terezi POV 

The John kid is a lot more interesting than you originally gave him credit for. To outwit your sister is no easy task for most people, and you're almost tempted to let him escape just to rub it in Vriska's face later but that would mean going home emptyhanded. He definitely has style, but honestly throwing down a couple smoke pellets isn't nearly as cool as disappearing into thin air. His scent is weak, foggy, but you can still tell where its going. There are some benefits to having a super enhanced sense of smell. He's moving towards the exit but it doesn't smell like he's in any hurry at all. If you move quickly you can catch him. 

Aradia POV 

Oh this mission is turning out to be WAY MORE FUN than you thought it was going to be. You feel like a real life Indiana Jones and right now the enemy is escaping. You can tell where he is of course, its one of your abilities. Most time characters, especially Maid of Times, don't have control over the Dark Elemental Skills(that’s normally a skill left to void players), but you are not most Maid of Times. You are Apocalypta, queen of the underworld, and the shadows of the world obey your every whim. Also thanks to the smoke pellets the John kid was so nice to toss onto the ground, the whole room is now SHROUDED IN DARKNESS, an empty palette for your powers. 

You crack your whip and the temperature drops to near freezing levels, just like the shadows like it. They start to whisper among themselves in languages as old as hell itself, languages that have never seen the light of day. You crack your whip once more and your throne rises from underneath you, a dark jagged throne made of the shattered bones of murderers(which is actually surprisingly comfy and comes with a butt warmer). The darkness kneels before you awaiting your command. It serves you and only you.

"Capture the prisoner alive"

The darkness doesn't like that. It would much rather blot out his irises, consume his soul, leave him a walking talking puppet of evil but you are its queen and you have given your order. 

Back to John

You are mere feet away from freedom when the ground starts to quake and tremble. The air becomes cold as ice and the smoke you were controlling disappears without a trace to be replaced only by darkness. Thick, smothering, darkness all around you. You don't see the cage of bones form around you because you can't see a foot in front of your face but you hear it. The screams of a thousand tortured souls, the creaking and breaking of bodies. You hear the crazy laughter of a psychopath in the background and the endless drip drip of water droplets falling on the floor. You hear the roof shatter and a baby cry. You smell the god-awful pungent smell of blood in the air. The voices seem to come from everywhere and nowhere. You hear Dave and Jade screaming your name but when you try to talk back to them you start choking and you hold your throat and then you start drowning and you can feel the water fill up your lungs. You fall on the cold ground and hold your ears closed to try and stop the screaming.

You don't know how long you lie curled up but when you finally open your eyes you realize the darkness is gone. You are trapped in a cage of bones, shaped like a claw. Like the claw of a huge eagle that is taking you home to feed to its babies. That's a pleasant thought.

Still anything is better than the darkness so you stand up as tall as the cage allows you to and look at your four captors gather around your prison. 

GC: W4Y TO GO 44!!!!  
AA: Thanksss!!! I might have g0ne a little 0verb0ard with the v0ices t0wards the end. I think I scared him :(  
AG: Psh nothing he can't t8ke  
AG: That was 8adass AA!!!!!!!!  
AG: Almost as 8adass as me ::::)  
AC: :33 I think it was purrty pawesome Apawcalypta!!  
AC: :33 I'd nefur seen mew use your pawers befur  
AG: Oh hey he's aw8ke  
AG: Heyy Joooooooohn  
AG: How are you feeling?

You have a splitting headache right now. Probably a side effect of being scared half to death.

"Ughh what just happened?"

AG: Weeeeeeeell after your cunning esc8pe from my warm em8r8ce,  
AG: Which by the w8y congrats!!!!!!!!  
AG: I didn't think you had it in you  
AG: But after you esc8ped from me and started to run towards the exit Apocalypta over here did The Ghosty Thing or whaaaaaaaatever its called  
AA: It d0esn't have a name but I kind 0f like The Gh0sty Thing :)  
AG: And now you're trapped in a c8ge of 8ones which is also magically reinforced with Daaaaaaaarkness(spooky isn't it?)  
AG: The question is what happens now  
AG: You are much stronger than you look John  
AG: Killing your Flarpvater would be almost a w8ste considering how much fun you've given me  
AG: I would want you on our team if it wasn't for the fact that I don't trust you at aaaaaaaall  
AG: So I'll settle for you 8eing my arch-rival  
AG: How do you feel a8out that Joooooooohn?

What answer is she looking for? There's almost no right answer for this situation.  
"You're crazy, you know that?"

That makes her laugh  
AG: Tell me something I don't know :::)

"So if you're not going to kill me why do you still have me trapped here?"  
GC: TH4T 1S MY DO1NG JOHN  
GC: 1T S33MS TH4T YOU H4V3 B3COM3 4 V1T4L P13C3 OF 3V1D3NC3 1N TH3 C4S3 OF COOL K1D V3RSUS N3OPHYT3 R3DGL4R3  
GC: 4ND 4S SUCH TH3 STR1CT RUL3S OF TH3 COURT D1CT4T3 TH4T YOU MUST ST1CK 4ROUND T1LL TH3 D3F3ND4NT H4S B33N PROSC3CUT3D  
GC:(OR 3XON3R4T3D BUT TH4TS NOT GO1NG TO H4PP3N ON MY W4TCH H3H3H3)

"Cool kid?"  
"Oh you mean Dave"

GC: YOU S33 1T 4LL ST4RT3D 34RL13R TOD4Y  
GC: 4LL 1 W4NT3D W4S TO PL4Y 4ROUND W1TH COOL K1D 4 L1TTL3  
GC: 4MBUSH H1M, L1CK H1S F4C3, B34T H1M UP 4LL TH3 USU4L M3THODS OF H4NG1NG OUT W1TH COOL K1DS  
GC: COOL K1D JUST SM3LL3D SO D3L1C1OUS 1 COULDNT R3S1ST  
GC: 1M SUR3 34CH 4ND 3V3RY ON3 OF YOU 1N TH3 JURY H4S 4MBUSH3D 4 COOL K1D FOR TH3 3X4CT S4M3 R34SON 1N TH3 P4ST  
(At this she waved her hand towards the imaginary jury)  
GC: BUT COOL K1D SPURN3D 34CH 4ND 3V3RY ON3 OF MY 4DV4NC3S  
GC: NOT ONLY TH4T BUT WH3N 1 F1N4LLY H3LD H1M DOWN 4FT3R MUCH F1GHT1NG H3 H4D TH3 4UD4C1TY TO D1SS4P34R FROM R1GHT B3LOW MY NOS3 1N D1R3CT V1OL4T1ON OF TH3 T3R3Z1 PYROP3 4CT OF 1874  
GC: SO WH4T CHO1C3 D1D 1 H4V3 BUT TO BR1NG TH3 M4TT3R UP TO 4 FR13NDLY LOC4L L3G1SL4C3R4TOR 1N TH3 HOP3S TH4T ON3 D4Y 1 COULD R3COV3R FROM TH3 TR4UM4 OF B31NG R3J3CT3D BY SUCH 4 D3L1C1OUSLY SM3LL1NG BOY  
GC: 4ND 1T JUST SO H4PP3NS TH4T TH3R3 1S 4 LOC4L L3G1SL4C3R4TOR R1GHT H3R3 1N TH1S V3RY ROOM  
GC: 4ND SH3 H4PP3NS TO B3 M3

Wow. She might even be crazier than her sister. You look at Mindfang and change that thought. Noone is crazier than Mindfang

Noone

"Umm that's great and all but Dave is kind of GONE in case you hadn't noticed. So your whole case is kind of pointless"

GC: OBJ3CT1ON YOUR HONOR!!  
GC: MY Y34RS OF L3G4L 3XP3R13NC3 1N TH3 NOBL3 F13LD OF JUST1C3 4ND MY K33N L3G1SL4C3R4TOR NOS3 T3LL M3 TH4T COOL K1D W1LL COM3 B4CK TO S4V3 TH3 W1TN3SS  
GC: 4ND WH3N H3 DO3S 1 W1LL C4PTUR3 H1M 4ND BR1NG H1M B3FOR3 TH3 COURT TO F4C3 TH3 CH4RG3S 4G41NST H1M  
GC: TH3 V1CT1M 1S ST1LL SUFF3R1NG 3V3N Y34RS L4T3R FROM H1S MOST 4PPR3H3NS1BL3 TR34TM3NT OF H3R 4ND H3R 4FF3CT1ONS  
GC: SH3 C4N ST1LL SM3LL H1S T4NGY CH3RRY SC3NT 4S 1F 1T W4S Y3ST3RD4Y  
GC: H3R DOCTOR S4YS SH3 SUFF3RS FROM PTSD  
GC: POST TR4UM4T1C SM3LL D4V3 D1SORD3R  
GC: SH3S POS1T1V3LY BL1111ND FROM GR13F  
AG: These are serious charges Redglare  
AG: This Dave is truly a wicked criminal ::::)  
GC: OH TH3S3 4R3 NOT N34RLY 4LL OF TH3 CR1M3S OF WH1CH COOL K1D 1S 4CCUS3D OFF  
GC: H3 4LSO ST4NDS 4CCUS3D OF ST34L1NG 4 L3G1SL4C3R4TORS SH4D3S(4ND 3V3RYON3 KNOWS 4 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR W1THOUT SH4D3S S1MPLY C4NNOT P3RFORM H3R NOBL3 DUT13S)  
GC: H3 ST4NDS 4CCUS3D OF D1SRUPT1NG SOC13TY W1TH H1S OV3RFLOW OF COOLN3SS  
GC: 4ND H3 ST4NDS 4CCUS3D OF 1NSULT1NG OUR NOBL3 POUNC3LORS HOSP1T4L1TY, TH3 MOST GR13VOUS CR1M3 Y3T  
AC: :33 all ac wanted was to show Dave her most purrecious set of claws  
AC: :33 But dave ran away and now ac is feline lonely  
AC: :33 "Why did Dave leave?" the pouncelor says  
GC: YOUR HONOR DO YOU S33 TH3 3MOT1ON4L D4M4G3 TH3 D3F3ND4NT H4S C4US3D TO TH3 POOR POUNC3LOR?  
GC: JUST LOOK 4T TH3 POOR POUNC3LOR!!  
AC: :33 ac is purrsitively heartbroken.  
AC: :33 not even the thought of shipping John and Vriska together can cheer her up.  
AG: HEY!!!!!!!!  
GC: YOUR H1GHN3SS DO YOU S33 HOW 3V1L TH1S D4V3 1S?  
GC: H3S 4 CR1M1N4L 4ND H3 MUST B3 PUN1SH3D

The trial goes on like this for a while, Redglare talking to a wall and an imaginary court and the pouncelor playing the wounded victim but you John Egbert stop paying attention. 

Why, you ask?

Well its quite simple. A chat window opens in front of your face and you start talking to your best bro. 

Yes that is a very good reason to not pay attention to a fake trial if you say so yourself, which you do.

turntechGodhead began pestering ectoBiologist  
TG: Spongebob to patrick  
TG: Patrick do you copy? I repeat Patrick do you copy?  
EB: No way! I get to be spongebob, you can be Mr. Krabs!  
TG: Dude im riding in to save your ass from these psychos so I get to be spongebob.  
EB: You never even watched spongebob!!!!!  
EB: You said it was stupid and I quote "The most unironic piece of shit on tv ever"  
TG: well lets just say the new episodes are so unironic they're ironic  
TG: But thats besides the point.  
TG: No its not even besides the point, the point is over here and that is like WAAYYYY over there on the other side of huge fucking canyon so how about we stay over here on this side with the point because otherwise the point gets lonely and kills itself. And then what do we do if we have a dead point?  
EB: Dave?  
EB: Shut up  
TG: Anyway we're camped about two rooms away from your position  
TG: I got the team behind me and Karkat is giving us all a lecture because I kind of made him temporary leader  
EB:You made KK the temp leader???  
EB: Oh god were never going to hear the end of this  
EB: That's it Dave time to find a new team  
TG: Ya got it bro but right now were busting you out of this joint. And then you and me are going to get ice cream or something cause im fucking starving.  
EB: No don't bust in!  
EB: They're expecting you to charge in and then they're going to capture you and the crazy lawyer sister is going to put you through a trial and apparently shes going to "Lick your delicous cherry face until its all wet and slobbery"  
EB: And she sounds like she means it  
TG: John you're right!!  
TG: Oh god this is like the beginning of a bad porno isn't it?  
TG: I charge in, get tied up, and then crazy psycho sisters take advantage of my hot body.  
TG: John what if I get pregnant???  
TG: Im not ready to have kids bro  
EB: ...  
EB: ...  
EB: ...  
EB: You're being ironic again aren't you?  
TG: Always and forever till the day I die  
EB: Look just hold up on the rescue for a minute  
EB: I'll try and make a distraction or something and then send you a signal  
TG: Whats the signal?  
EB: Umm...  
EB: I'll shout ["The eagles are coming!!!"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yqVD0swvWU) really loudly, okay?  
TG: Hell  
TG: Fucking  
TG: Yes  
TG: John I now remember why you are my best bro!  
TG: When I save you you are giving me a fist bump  
EB: Hehe you got it!  
EB: Now stop messaging me and stay quiet.

 

You are so bored.

Man this cage is NOT comfortable AT ALL!

You're mind starts to wonder as you listen to Redglare talk on and on.

Jake's coming over this weekend. He's your cousin and you haven't seen him in weeks. He's been traveling in Africa because his dad is a Wildlife Biologist or something and he travels a lot. Jake's a lot of fun to hang out with and he's the one who sparked your love for movies. When he comes over you'll probably watch Avatar together because that's his favorite movie and its become somewhat of a tradition. James Cameron Avatar NOT Avatar: The Last Airbender because you both agree that movie was just GOD-AWFUL. In fact...

AC: :33 psst

Whoa who just said that??! Oh its just the cat girl. You must have been seriously distracted to not even notice her sidling up next to you.

AC: :33 hey mew name's John, right? 

"Yea John Egbert, why?"

AC: :33 I just wanted to ask mew a couple of questions in purrivate, if thats okay with mew?

"What kind of questions?"

AC: :33 Oh nothing bad  
AC: :33 Just a couple of shipping questions so that I can update my shipping wall. 

"shipping?"

AC: :33 Mew know? Shipping!  
AC: :33 Like relationshipping?  
AC: :33 Matchmaking?

"Oh okay, you can ask me I guess"

AC: :33 Well furst of all...  
AC: :33 AC pulls out her shipping notebook and flips to a blank page

"Do you always talk in third person when you talk to people?"

AC: :33 AC is furrankly purrplexed by the silly question  
AC: :33 Sorry, its just a bad habit of mine

"No its okay, its actually kind of cool, I was just wondering if that was something you always did"

AC: :33 Yea purrty much  
AC: :33 I really like role playing, its so much fun!!!

"Sounds fun! But what was the question you were going to ask me?"

AC: :33 "Does mew furend Dave have romantic interest in my furend Terezi?" AC says  
AC: :33 "Wait not Terezi I meant Neophyte Redglare!!" AC amends

"umm what?!"

AC: :33 Does he like her?  
AC: :33 Is he head ofur paws fur her?  
AC: :33 Is there felines of looooovve between them?

"No I understood you the first time but... Redglare tried to kill Dave earlier"

AC: :33 Sooo?

"Sooo... it would be pretty silly of Dave to like the chick who tried to gut him with a cane"

AC: :33 AC giggles  
AC: :33 Of course it would be silly!! But love is silly isn't it?

"I guess...?"

AC: :33 AC thinks the John kid is cute and funny  
AC: :33 Trust mew John,  
AC: :33 Im a Rogue of Heart and a master shipper  
AC: :33 I know whatefur there is to know about looovvee  
AC: :33 So what do mew think?  
AC: :33 Should I ship Dave and her together or not?

Hmm... choices,  
You know what Dave would say, he would tell you to shut the cat girl down like a (insert ironic metaphorical rant involving lids or something else you can close). He would say that Redglare isn't NEARLY IRONIC enough to be with a Strider and that she would need to(insert metaphorical rant involving some kind of Irony University and an application to be sent to Strider Headquarters). Then he would say that he's way too busy for a girlfriend and he would joke about already being married to you anyway(all part of an ongoing game of [GAY CLUCKBEAST](http://archiveofourown.org/works/244127?view_full_work=true) between the two of you).

Then again this could basically be a WHOLE NEW SPHERE of pranking that you could be getting into. You could push your pranksters gambit up at least like 5 levels. Pranksters all over the world would praise you as the modern day Colonel Sassacre while sliding a whoopie cushion on the seat of the person nexxt to them. 

You start thinking. Dave and Neophyte would actually be the perfect couple. Scary as hell and they would probably gut each other in the first week but if they managed to pull it off they could actually become a thing. Dave might act all cool and suave but he's never actually had a girlfriend(except for one DJ chick he dated once last year but he dumped her when she tried to make him take off his shades) and if you could get him a girlfriend you would only be like THE COOLEST BEST BRO EVER.

"Yea I think you should ship them together"

AC: :33 Meeep *gasp*  
AC: :33 AC furriously draws shipping plans in her notebook  
AC: :33 AC sketches out a devious shipping plot then looks back at John  
AC: :33 And what about mew John?

"What about me??" You say a little too quickly. You have some idea where this is going and you don't like it. 

AC: :33 What do mew think of Vri- of Mindfang?

"I think she's one of the most dangerous Flarpers I've ever met. I think she's smart enough to outwit her enemies and she hasn't even used her ability so I can't even imagine what thats like"

AC: :33 Nuuu silly, not what she's like as a flarpurr!  
AC: :33 What do you think of her as a person?  
AC: :33 As a girl? *wink wink*

"I haven't really thought of her like that... at all!! She's just another Flarper to me, a dangerous one who wants to kill me and steal all my grist" Your face starts to heat up and you really hope she doesn't notice. You're telling the truth.. you think. I mean sure she's pretty you guess(okay she's downright gorgeous!!!) and the two kisses were really nice but you don't like her!!! That last kiss was just payback for the first kiss and the first kiss was just her tricking you. 

AC: :33 *giggles*  
AC: :33 Johnkat youre blushing!!  
AC: :33 If mew dont like her...  
AC: :33 Then why did mew kiss her?

"I havent kissed her!! She kissed me!!" No way she could see through that smoke 

AC: :33 Not that kiss silly cat  
AC: :33 When mew threw down the smoke peltets...  
AC: :33 I defurnitely sensed a kiss coming from mew so unless you were kissing mewself *giggles*

Curse her and her heart powers!!!  
"I don't know what you're talking about now!!!"

AC: :33 Johnkat im not telling anybody mew don't have to be so defensive!!  
AC: :33 Just admit you have felines for Mindfang

"Look AC! I swear I don't have any feelings whastoever for her AT ALL"

She looks at you like she doesn't believe you. 

"Cross my heart and hope to die, look I'll even pinkie swear" You hold up your pinkie at her and give your best honest face. She crosses her arms(though you can't really tell because of her baggy sweater) and sighs. 

AC: :33 Ugh fine ill leave mew alone about that

You breathe a sigh of relief as she turns away to walk back to Apocalypta who's been looking at her curiously.

AC: :33 Its really a shame  
AC: :33 Because I can tell she likes mew

You heart forgets how to beat and you just stare at her back with your mouth open but before you can think of a response or even think period a message from Dave pulls you out of your stupor. 

TG:...

"Oh thank god Dave!!!" You whisper just a little too loudly. 

AC: :33 What did mew say??

"Oh nothing!! I said nothing, I was just talking to myself about the umm the weather and this cage, and how cool it is and I was umm I didn't say anything" You say in a voice that is way too squeaky and high to be yours. Stupid! Stupid! Why did you have to say that so loudly?

AC is giggling as she walks back up to you. Stupid, Stupid!!!

"Johnkat got a message from Davekitty!!!" She sings to her team who all stops what they're doing to come closer. 

Shit shit shit shit shit! You need to come up with a lie... except you can't think for shit right now because you're still thinking about what AC told you, and oh Mindfang's walking closer, oh and it doesn't help that Dave keeps sending you messages even though you havent't reponded

TG: John  
TG: Bro  
TG: We're kind of camped out here waiting for the signal you know just chilling and oh my god Karkat won't shut up so if you don't hurry up and yell the signal then I'm going to strangle someone and its going to be all your fault.  
TG: I swear if it turns out that you got all chummy with the enemy and you're actually like playing [strip poker and sipping martinis](http://archiveofourown.org/works/384300/chapters/629155) with them then you me are going to have a nice long talk.  
TG: Seriously dude answer you're scaring me  
TG: Dude  
TG: Dude  
TG: Dude  
TG: Dude  
TG: Dude  
TG: I'm not going to stop until you answer  
TG: Dude  
TG: Dude  
TG: Dude  
TG: Dude 

AG: Heeeeeeeey John :::)  
AG: 8e a good 8oy and hand over that pestermic

You mentally type as fast as you can, you have time for one maybe two messages before she takes your mic from you. 

EB: Dave!! Con Air sucks balls!!  
EB: Cage is a terrible actooo  
Ectobiologist ceased pestering turntechGodhead  
Ectobiologist began pestering turntechGodhead  
EB: Ok Dave they got boooooooored and left  
EB: Come meet up where they ambushed us and we can do a dungeon together :)

"Give me back my mic Mindfang"

AG: Oooooooor what John?

Think John think. You already screwed up, now you need to make sure that Dave knows what he's walking into. You need to give him the signal but how to do that without them noticing?

"I know spells!! I'll... I'll curse you"

AG: An heir of 8reath that knows magic?  
AG: Somehow I doubt it 

"Last chance Mindfang before I curse you"

AG: Hit me with it wind 8oy ::::)

"THE EAGLES ARE COMING FOR YOU MINDFANG THE EAGLES WILL HUNT YOU AND THEY WILL NEVER STOP" You shout as loud as you can while waiving your hands around in what you hope is a magickey cursey fashion

AG:...  
AG: Haha thats your curse?! How dis8ppointing...

 

Your name is Dave and your friend is in trouble.  
"I'm coming John"

Your name is Aradia Megido and you just noticed something. "Hey where's Eridan? I haven't seen him since the smoke"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggestions used:  
> kateinator: THE AUTHOR/OMNIPOTENT NARRATOR IS DRAGGED INTO THE STORY, ACCIDENTALLY BREAKING THEIR OWN FOURTH WALL
> 
> OBVOS: same as above
> 
> samuraisgrip: have John get a revenge smooch  
> samuraisgrip: Have rest of team swag show up since John had those tricks up his sleeves(not exactly but I tried)
> 
> arkaunn: let John take the hit and have Dave save the day  
> Suggestion put off till next chapter:  
> Fennekins:Monster bosses that couldn't be controlled  
> Fennekins: CBA support system
> 
> So yea this fic is updating on wednesdays, don't forgot to drop suggestions for the next chapter  
> Thanks for reading  
> Love y'all <3


	4. Teamwork!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one in which there is one elemental, two teams, a modicum of inter-rival friendship, an unexpected visitor, the return of a previously lost character, a chasm, one kiss, two possessions, and a generous helping of witty banter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here ya go!!! Blame HTML for the delay(pesterlogs are a pain to format)

Your name is John Egbert and since you are CONVENIENTLY TRAPPED in a cage of bones you are the perfect dude to narrate all the SWEET FIGHTING thats going on. 

First of all you have to say that Sollux's entrance had to be the most BADASS ENTRANCE you've ever seen. AC was the first one to notice the red and blue sparks that were running along the floor like mice and of course being the cat girl that she is she started trying to trap them until one of them set her tail on fire.

AC: :33 *Hiss* The sparks burned mew!!

The sparks were just a warning though. 

Lightning after lighting bolt ripped the place apart. And not one puny normal lightning bolt like the one you called earlier. These were literally dual colored(red and blue of course) bolts that went sideways and split into multiple forks not to mention that they followed their prey. AC had to catapult over one bolt that almost cuts her in half and roll under the bolt when it comes around for another pass. Apocalypta drew four huge slabs of black stone from the ground that protected her while also leaching the life and hope out of its surroundings like real life dementors. Doesn't she have such a pleasant power??!!(Yes that was sarcasm)

Mindfang just stood in the middle of the room while everything basically went to hell around her. She never even got touched though. Every single bolt that went for her veered off at the last second, every slab of stone that threatened to crush her missed her by inches. Man she has the best luck!! You wonder what her power is...

Oh and Redglares being Redglare. She's blocking attacks with her cane faster than your eyes can even register. How does a piece of wood even stop a lightning bolt? You don't know but it absorbs the deadly electrical charge like juice(apple juice Dave would say). Wards around her flicker in and out of visibility as red pentagons of magic. 

A series of booms alert you and everyone else that yes someone is indeed trying to knock down the wall. Cracks spread and multiply from a single point in the middle. With a dying groan the wall collapses. Through the mess of shard and rubble you glimpse a psionic shield protecting three very familiar faces. 

Typical Sollux. There was a door that could have easily fit all of 3 of them but no he had to blow up a wall to get inside. Not that you're complaining since first off that was WICKED and second off they're kind of trying to rescue you. 

TG: Caw Caw Motherfuckers!!  
GC: H3Y COOL K1D  
GC: LONG T1M3 NO S33!!  
TG: Hand over John or I tell Sollux to knock down your little hangout like a shitty Jenga Tower that had one too many blocks taken away  
GC: M1NDF4NG, 1 TH1NK 1TS T1M3 TO SHOW TH3S3 FL4RP W4NN4B33S JUST WH4T TH3 SCOURG3 S1ST3RS 4R3 C4P4BL3 OF  
AG: Couldn't agree more Redglare!  
AG: Ready when you are ::::)

Redglare went first. She took her dragon cane and drove it into the ground as easily as if the stone was jello. Then she spread her arms and ephemeral wings sprouted from her back. They were light blue and huge. It made her look like a giant butterfly, except WAY DEADLIER. Like if an eagle and a lion mated on top of a volcano while the volcano was erupting and then the pregnant eagle gave birth while skydiving and the baby just happened to be a butterfly for some reason then that child would be this butterfly(looks like one of Dave's metaphors crept into your narrative, curse him and his awesome metaphor building skills!!!) Beautiful on the outside but dangerous as hell on the inside. There was a shadow of a dragon behind her, a red and black lined monster of fire and flames that was surreal and misty as it was scary. She floated up a couple of feet above the ground and spread her arms in a “Im a badass and I know it” pose. Then she took off the ruined shades that Dave had replaced with her own and tossed them into the air, breaking them in half with a swipe of her arm and the burning shades crashed into the ground. Her eyes were bright orange, almost orange enough to be a character from one of Dave or Jade's anime's(Jade's animes were actually pretty cool, you really liked Attack on Titans but Dave's animes were just WEIRD. Probably hella ironic though). 

She floated down like an avenging angel and ripped her dragon cane back out of the ground. The crack it had left slowly grew wider and deeper with an unimaginable screech of stone splitting in two. The hole grew into a long tendril crack and then into a gaping chasm separating the room into two. You(still in your cage btw thanks for asking!! yes it is very comfy here), Karkat, AC, Apocalypta were stuck on the larger side of the chasm, the part that still connected to the door and the outside system of caves that you had come from, while Sollux, Dave, Redglare, and Mindfang were trapped on the other side of the chasm. The chasm had to be at least ten feet wide which makes no sense considering the room was only like 15 feet wide before it got completely wrecked, but you guess ANYTHINGS POSSIBLE when you use magic in a virtual reality role playing simulation universe. As for the bottom, well lets just say you sure couldn't see where it ended and it would be a very BAD IDEA to fall unless you had sweet wings like Redglare of course. 

Sollux's bolts of psionic energy had all but disappeared, though the scorch marks all over the room still showed red and blue soot stains, and his bubble of psionic shield had shrunk down to a more reasonable size. Sollux was probably just trying to conserve his energy. Psionic energy makes you really hungry supposedly. One time Sollux had used too much of it and then they had made the mistake of going to a virtual Flarp bar. They had all gotten kicked out after he had challenged(and won) a burger eating contest with 5 other Flarpers back to back. He had also left two eye cannon shaped holes in the roof though that was more because of the vast amount of mead that he drank.

GC: M1NDF4NG YOUR3 UP

At this Redglare tossed her head up and cackled like a psychopath. Mindfang looked up at the roof which was now hold up by two and a half walls like a precarious card tower.

AG: You know sis, whats a thief of light without a little light?

She kicked off her ragged shoes, one by one, to reveal (surprise surprise) blue toenails. Then she flicked her hood back and twirled her hair around. She pulled her blue sweater off slowly and tossed it on the ground next to her feet where it went up in flames. Dave and Sollux(and you) just stood there like what is this chick doing??? She's wearing an orange t-shirt under her blue sweater and you notice how it hugs her tightly showing off her curves and, no of course you're not checking her out!! You are simply describing her shirt you know like ANY HALFWAY DECENT NARRATOR would do. I mean its not like you're gaze lingered too long on her chest and IF IT DID then you were obviously just checking out the design of the sun on her t-shirt. And you most certainly didn't notice that the bottom of her shirt doesn't touch the top of her jeans and you can see a flash of stomach when she flicks her head back and you MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT have any thoughts about how UNFAIRLY SEXY her whole naturally awesome pirate I-just-knocked-you-senseless-with-a-couple-of-dice-you-wimp persona is. NO SIR you were 100% indubitably focused on the fire that turned her sweater into a pile of ashes and is now spreading around her. The fire completes the circle around her and suddenly caresses her toes and the backs of her ankles. It spreads up her body until she is completely covered in orange tendrils of fire that don't seem to harm her at all. Her hair is like a flaming whip or a lions mane or anything else that is BRIGHT ORANGE, and FLAMEY, and AWESOME. A pair of wings sprout from her back though these wings are a darker shade of blue than Neophyte's and much less ephemeral.

She flies up to join her (still cackling) partner and takes her dice out of her pocket. She tosses them up into the air and they burn with green fire as they clatter against the floor with a boom much louder than a couple of dice should've made. 

One by one each of the dice rolls slowly to a stop and bubbles into the ground like stones sinking into a bog. They reappear in her hand once they sink into the ground until she's holding all 8 of them again but where they landed there is now inscribed with a burning octagon shape. The smoke that rises from the octagon is made of magical runes that shine brightly before fading into the air. 

Mindfang smirks and twirls her hand in a magical gesture. Her left eye flashes for a moment and you'd swear that for a couple of seconds it looked like it has seven pupils. The magical runes that had disappeared into the air reappear brighter than ever. They rise with the smoke up to the roof and one by one leave their imprint on the roof in a giant M shape with a tail at the end. The M sinks into the roof and before your eyes the roof melts away. Like an acid, the runes eat away at the roof from the middle outwards and you feel sunlight bleed into the room illuminating every crevasse and corner. 

AG: Much 8etter  
AG: It was getting rather dark in here don't you think?  
TG: Am I supposed to be impressed by your desperate pleas for attention?? Maybe I should give you some applause!! All you did was make a little crack in the ground and melt the roof. You haven't even attacked us yet. I mean I know me and Sollux are pretty awesome but I expected you guys to at least try and attack before you gave up and knelt before me as your rightful master. Karkat back me up here I need your mad profanity skills. Just how lame were those two moves?  
CG: DAVE, I HAD YOU PEGGED AS A WINDHEADED IGNORAMUS WITH A BRAIN THE SIZE OF A WALNUT SO I CAN'T BELIEVE IM SAYING THIS... BUT WE MIGHT HAVE MET TWO FUCKTARDS STUPIDER THAN YOU AND THE PUTRID EXCUSE FOR COHERENT SPEECH THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.   
: LETS JUST SAY THEIR PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR COOLNESS WAS SO SUCH A DISGRACE TO FLARPERS EVERYWHERE THAT IT MADE 49 BABIES IN AFRICA BURST IN TEARS AT THE THOUGHT THAT THEY WOULD HAVE TO GROW UP IN THE SAME WORLD AS THESE TWO.  
GC: ONLY 49? OH TH4TS OK4Y 4T L3AST 1T W4SN'T 50  
GC: B3SID3S COOL KID YOU CAN'T FOOL ME   
GC: 1 C4N SM3LL YOUR F34R 4LL TH3 W4Y FROM H3R3  
GC: TH4T HOL3 MY S1ST3R JUST M4D3 L34DS TOPS1D3 4FT3R 4LL

Well shit. There's a reason 99.9% of flarpers fight in the lower level of the universe in the dungons and caves and cities that don't see any light except the light of torches and the moonmoss that grows on the side of stone. Sure the lower levels have a buttload of monsters that want to disembowel you and bring you home to feed to their young but at least none of the monsters below ground are smart enough to unite together. They all work separately. 

The developers of the Flarp realm had decided to give people who liked sunlight a huge middle finger and make the upper levels a realm of endless warfare between the various races who could, and did, form civilizations. The draconian factions united under the draconian empire banner controlled the plains and most of the flatlands. The eagle winged Aarakocra controlled the tops of the mountain ranges and the skies and held an uneasy alliance with the Drow Elves who lived in the shadow of the mountain ranges. The wood elves protected their forests jealously and with a blinding hatred towards other races except the Floran, the living(and violent) embodiment of the forest they love. The elemental king and his forces controlled the wasteland though they were usually too disorganized to mount any sort of large scale attack on the other races. The tiefling had been nearly exterminated and driven out of their large cities by the Tuathan high elves under the banner of King Tilden. The survivors now bore a festering hatred against elves of all races. There were countless more races and factions. There was the somber elves of the South, formerly called the gray elves until they had been betrayed by their allies and been massacred by the Shadow king and his Demon allies. There were the Aasimar, who had once tried to bring peace between all the factions of elves. They had failed of course, and after the King and his delegates had their heads cut off on a visit to the king of the Aquatic Elves and had their mutilated wings sent back home, the remaining Aasimar had cut off their own wings as a reminder to never again trust the other races of elves. Once concerned only with peace and the pursuit of art, the Aasimar now roamed the land with a bloodthirsty vengeance. 

Basically going topside was suicide for pretty much any Flarper no matter their level. You and Dave had done it exactly once and almost gotten sacrificed by a Tiefling Demon Cult(NOT FUN!!! A carton of apple juice had saved you from being lit up on a sacrificial pyre. Long story, you'll tell it some other time). The only thing the topside races hated more than each other was Flarpers and they delighted in capturing Flarpers and tossing them in dungeons to rot for eternity. True a Flarper could simply disconnect and return to the real world but then they could never Flarp again as that character since plugging into the Flarpverse would simply wind them back up in the Topdweller dungeon. At that point the unlucky prisoner would have to either quit flarping or make a completely new Avatar and start from level 1 again. That was the reason you hadn't disconnected when Team Scourge had trapped you for the first time. That and it was generally considered a pretty cheap move to disconnect in the middle of a fight. Do it too often and the admins could block you from the game. 

So that was why you and every other sane flarper stayed underground. Problem was there was a nice fancy skylight leading topside now thanks to Mindfang and every Monster and NPC Race topside that was within seeing distance would come closer to investigate. And they would find you guys conveniently trapped in a hole in the ground. Yay!!!

You figure it would probably take a couple of minutes for any of the real dangerous creatures to come around so hopefully Dave can get his act together and free you so you all can get the hell out of here like Matt Damon in the Bourne movies and run out of the place before everything goes to hell. 

Yea Dave can definitely pull this off, theres ABSOULTELY NO need to worry!! 

tA: shiit  
There goes the psionic bubble, oh and Dave just met the wall that looks like it hurt. "Hi Dave my name is wall and I just knocked the shit out of you!" Redglare just licked Sollux's face, seems like Dave isn't the only one she's obsessed with tasting like some weird Flarp ice cream cone. Wait no, it looks like she didn't like how Sollux tasted, she spat the taste back out on the floor. Go Dave!! It looks like Dave is still the TASTIEST AND MOST DELICIOUS of your little group at least according to crazy canewielding flarpers. Dave's getting up now maybe he has some secret awesome plan to take them down and it looks like, wait nope, there he goes again. This time he slides almost off the edge of the chasm into the gaping abyss. Sollux sends Redglare into the air with a flash of his eyes but wait no she did a flip in midair and landed on her feet again. Oh and Mindfang is rolling her dice again. They land, and 8 stone spiders crawl out of the ground. They all swarm sollux, he sends two of them flying and kills another four with his Ninja Stars but the last two are almost on him, he punches one away and makes the other one explode. It looks like he's okay. Sollux relaxes right when one of the spiders that he flung away with his powers comes back and jumps towards him(Can spiders jump? You didn't think so but maybe stone magical spiders that came from 8 magically enhanced dice are different than regular spiders?). He sends a ninja star and it cuts off half the spiders body but the spider keeps moving through the air and his fangs are intact and hissing and then he lands on Sollux and you hear a cry of pain as Sollux gets bit on the neck. 

He collapses instantly, his eyes wide as the poison flows through his system. Its not lethal poison or his avatar would have disappeared leaving behind his grist and equipment but it doesn't look like Sollux is going to be doing any fighting in the near future. Dave does his slow down time thing and gets a whole bunch of hits on Terezi while she moves like a fly stuck in amber. He's winning but Midfang just conjured up a tiny little fire wolf(Jade would have gone crazy over the wolf. Just as good that she's taking a break from flarping or she probably would have tried to hug the wolf and gotten a face full of fire) and it looks like its not affected by his slow motion voodoo because he howls and runs to pounce on Dave. Dave backs off starts running toward the chasm. He waved his hand to make himself run in fast motion freeing Redglare from his spell. He reaches the edge and jumps looking for all the world like McCoughney in Reign of Fire when he jumped off the battlements and tried to axe a dragon in the face(hey maybe you can act out this scene later, there has to be another dragon besides Lily around here somewhere). Orange eagle wings spread from his back midjump and brings him to the other side of the chasm. Those are new, you haven’t seen him use that ability before. That makes Karkat the only person on the team who can't fly. Poor chap. 

AC: :33 Umm  
AC: :33 AC doesn't want to interrupt the fight but she thinks that purrhaps efuryone should look up

Everyone freezes and looks up.

AA: Hey its a Balrog!!!  
AA: I've always wanted t0 actually see 0ne in pers0n  
CG: OH YES ITS FUCKING AMAZING TO GET TO MEET ONE!!! THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN MEETING A GIANT ELEMENTAL MONSTER THATS IMPERVIOUS TO MAGIC AND JUST HAPPENS TO LOVE EATING FLARPERS!! LETS GIVE IT A NICE BIG FUCKING HUG AND SEE IF IT WANTS TO PLAY HOUSE WITH US  
AA: S00ry, it just l00ks kind of cute.

Only someone like Apocalypta would say a Balrog was “cute.” It was an elemental(by definition angry and dangerous). A cross between a stone elemental and a fire elemental to be more specific and with the worst characteristics of both. 

It roared and jumped into our room(though it couldn't really be called a room anymore considering it only had half a floor and 2 and a half walls) one leg straddling each side of the chasm. 

There was another cry from topside, and a much smaller figure jumped after the Balrog. A human figure to be exact,

CT: D → Come back here you despicably 100d abomination of nature  
CT: D→ I'll teach you to break my bow and run away  
AC: :33 Equitty???  
CT: D→ Nepeta? Oh hoofsticks, im in tr00ble arent I?  
AC: :33 Equius Darius Zahhak!!!  
AC: :33 Do mew mind tailing me exactly why mew are a Flarpurr and mew have nefur told me?!!!  
AC: :33 Mew told me that Flarping is ridiculous!!  
CT: D → It is ridic00lous!! It is a ridic00lously childish%ample of tomf00lery!!  
AC: :33 Well then why do mew have a flarpurr character?  
CT: D → Well it might be f00lish and childish and uncivilized to the e%treme, but I have found that Flarping can be rather enjoyable... to a certain e%tent.  
AC: :33 Equius I can't believe mew would efur keep a secret like this furrom me!! How long have mew been secretly flarping?  
CT: D → Umm I'd rather not answer that question  
AC: :33 Equius don't make me ask twice  
CG: HEY NOT TO BREAK UP THIS CUTE LITTLE WHATEVER THAT YOU FUCKTARDS HAVE GOING ON, OBVIOUSLY YOU TWO HAVE SOME RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS THAT YOU SHOULD PROBABLY SEE A SHRINK ABOUT BUT IN CASE YOU HADN'T NOTICED, THE REST OF US ARE KIND OF BUSY FIGTING A FUCKING BALROG, SO IF YOU COULD MAYBE SAVE YOUR MARRIED COUPLE DRAMA FOR JUST A LITTLE BIT OR MAYBE FOR EVER THAN THAT WOULD BE JUST FUCKING FANTASTIC, THANK YOU GOOD NIGHT.  
CT: D→ I will deal with the Balrog but in the future please rein in such l00d displays of vulgar language, especially around one or more members of the fairer sex.   
CG: I'LL TALK HOWEVER THE FUCK I WANT AND IF YOU DISAGREE THEN YOU CAN KISS THE MIRACLE THAT IS MY POOPLAUNCHING ASS.

While this conversation was taking place, the rest of us were fighting for our lives. The balrog being impervious to magic and resistant to fire nulled out basically every attack by Mindfang or Redglare. His stone skin made Dave's sword strikes useless. The only one who was doing any sort of damage was Sollux, who was flinging sharp objects and lightning into the Balrog's eyes, one of he few weak spots on its body. Nepeta(cause apparently that was AC’s real name) and Equius went to join the fight, and Karkat frantically tried to free you from your cage.

CG: HOW THE BLITHERING FECULENT FUCK DOES THIS CAGE WORK???  
AA: Back 0ff, I’ll free him

Apocalypta put one hand on the cage and it slowly blew away into the air like Ralph Fiennes as Voldemort at the end of the last Harry Potter movie. Your feet touched the ground and groaned with pain. All that time spent in the cage had made your feet go numb. 

AA: C0me on J0hn, 0ur teams need 0ur help

They had realized that the head was the only halfway vulnerable part of the Balrog. Mindfang, Dave, and Redglare had all sprouted wings again and they made a triangle around his head sending strike after strike at him. Some of their attacks spilled dark oily Balrog blood but it only made it angrier. With a swipe of his stony arm he sent Dave flying against the wall(I warned you about walls bro I warned you!!). Redglare got a faceful of fire which her wards mostly absorbed but her wings caught on fire and she tumbled to the ground. Sollux was appearifying splashes of water over all the fires that the Balrog was spreading with each step so the whole place wouldn't go down in a huge conflagration(Rose taught you that word). 

AA: Hey J0hn?  
EB: Yea Apocalypta?  
AA: Call me Aradia  
AA: Lets g0 kick some Balr0g ass

She switched to full Queen Death apparel, with a crown of bones, a shimmering black cape, and a dark jagged sword made of stygian sword. 

AA: Like my sw0rd?  
AA: I prefer whips but the dead listen better if you use Stygian metal and the Stygian whip is insanely expensive

She took it from her belt and pointed it at the ground. With a couple of words from a language older than that of humans she raised a skeletal dragon to serve her bidding. She mounted it and flew towards the other side of the chasm.

AA: C0me 0n John!! We haven’t g0t all day 

She was right. You all spent the next few minutes throwing everything you had at the Balrog and at one point Mindfang rolled a lucky toss and she got a sweet Rocket Launcher that blew off half the Balrog’s face but in the end it was Equius that ended up striking the killing blow. His power was apparently, being STRONG. That and pulling random HEAVY CRAP out of nowhere(which makes sense because he was a void player). So at first all he did was toss random gas trucks at the Balrog and they would explode when they crashed into him cause 4 tons of gasoline on wheels and probably like 20 tons of fire don’t really mix AT ALL, but apparently even the void runs out of gas trucks. He went to Nepeta(who was making random heart magic in the air that probably caused the Balrog damage but knowing Nepeta could just as easily have been voodoo magic to get Dave and Redglare together) and whispered something in her ear. She tossed him up into the air and Equius grabbed hold of the skeleton dragon’s tail. 

AA: Equius y0u d0 n0t want me to translate what my Drag0n t0ld me t0 d0 t0 y0u. Why are y0u hanging 0n his tail?  
CT: D → Aradia please bring me towards the Balrog’s face. I have some business to take care of with that despicable e%cuse for a monster

Aradia flew in towards the Balrog and when they were close Equius launched himself towards the monster. The next move was SO INSANELY AWESOME THAT IT HAS TO BE SAID IN ALL CAPS AND IN BOLD AND HAS TO INCLUDE AN OBSCURE REFERENCE TO AN OLD NINTENDO CHARACTER THAT WAS GROSSLY OVERPOWERED IN SUPER SMASH BROS MELEE AND GROSSLY UNDERPOWERED IN BRAWL. (Narrator self insertion: Sorry im a huge Super Smash Bros nerd)

**EQUIUS FALCON PUNCHED THE BALROG IN THE FACE**

The vast amount of STRENGTH that went into that punch turned the Balrog into a preposterous amount of grist, a magical helmet, and a couple of fire embers that can be used to alchemize potions. Oh and some random lumps of coal but nobody really wants that(though flarp legend does say there is one legendary monster in the Yenir Caves that can only be defeated by a lump of cold). 

The mass of Flarpers just look at each other like What Just Happened??? Slowly they all navigate around the piles of grist that litter the floor to separate back into the two teams. Your team huddles around you(you are their friendleader after all) and there probably would have ended up being another team fight over who gets to keep all the grist if right then and there the random purple guy that disappeared in ch2(I mean 2 fights ago!!! What are chapters?) hadn’t strolled into the room looking as if he had just survived an avalanche. 

His cloak is torn and tattered and WOAH HIS EYES ARE BLACK. Not like black irises which still would have been weird cuz yea his irises were TOTALLY PURPLE the last time you saw him but now they're SOLID BLACK. 

CA: Dualscar's Home  
AA: Umm Eridan?  
CA: Dualscar is my name!  
AA: Dualscar then, it's great to see y0u and everything we were getting w0rried...  
AG: (Speak for yourself)   
AA: But why is y0ur text black?  
CA: Haha no reason!  
He fingered the luxury custom made Flarp suit that he had on.  
CA: Im always so obsessed with fashion, its rather pathetic  
He rips off his shirt to reveal a toned set of abs. This guy definitely spent way more time in the gym than any person should.  
AA: ERIDAN!!  
AG: Woah Eridan!! ::::)  
CA: Shut up Spiderbitch, I didn't give you permission to talk!!  
CA: I'm not even sure why old me liked you, he had really poor taste

 

Dave grabbed your arm and pulled you away from the group for a private conversation.  
“Hey you remember that one monster that Rose got possessed last year? The one that made her go and snog Kanaya in the middle of a dungeon?”

“Yea what about it?”

“Well when Kanaya told me about it she said that Rose's eyes had turned black. And when Rose told me about it she said that being possessed by it was like a combination of being drunk, high, and drinking the truth serum from Harry Potter, or the luck potion from Harry Potter, one of the two I don't remember.”

“So you think fish dude is possessed by the same monster?”

Dave looked back before answering “Well considering he just walked up to sollux and stuffed his tongue down his throat I'd say its pretty likely” His answer was interrupted by a stream of curses from Sollux. 

tA: get off me you goddamn psycho ii dont even know you

CG: FUCK SOLLUX YOUR EYES ARE TURNING BLACK!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggestions used-   
> HeresyIncarnate: Dave: Remember to shout "caw caw motherfuckers" thus signalling that the eagles are in fact you.  
> Obvos- MAKE EQUIUS PART OF THE STORY. MAKE HIM SUCK THINGS FROM THE VOID AND STRONG FLING THEM EVERYWHERE.  
> Arkaunn- just cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war. Or, what's just the same, let all hell break loose, preferably so that Team Swag can rescue their friendleader and be awesome  
> Kateinator- Bring Equius in  
> HeresyIncarnate- The reason Equius doesn't want nepeta to play is that he's a max level page of void and hes ashamed of this "ridic00lously childish e%ample of tomf00lery" so he doesn't want her finding out.  
> Fennekins- Shadow monsters, they live inside the characters and after some sort of spell they leave the players body and assume an copy form of the player an do exactly what the player really wants to do but can't, and are not able to control themselves
> 
> Suggestion left till next chapter-  
> Arkaunn- let Eridan swap sides on Karkat's command.   
> Fennekins- Transforming monster Flarpvaters  
> Fennekins- Power goes out disconnecting both teams and they find out theyre going to the same school  
> As always thanks for reading, leave a suggestion for the next chapter


	5. Now Kiss!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one in which Nepeta goes grimdark, two characters are forced to kiss, one player falls unconscious, and a challenge is expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh My god im so sorry!!! I would have finished this last night and uploaded it this morning but I don't know what happened and it actually turned out pretty good(im proud of it at least)but there was like two more scenes I wanted to add in at the end and unfortunately it looks like they will have to wait for next week :(  
> Anyway here you go thanks for reading PLEASE drop suggestions/comments/thoughts so I know what y'all are thinking <3

AC: :33 Mew aren't kissing  
AG: Nepeta I swear to god if you don't let us go right now I am going to stuff my dice down your throat and its not going to be pretty.   
AC: :33 Silly Mindfang, mew are helpless, like a tiny little kitten.  
GC: N3P3T4 TH1S 1SNT YOU YOU H4V3 TO F1GHT TH3 MONST3R WHOS POSS3S1NG YOU  
AA: Terezi's right Nepeta!! Call back the tentacles and we'll help get the dem0n 0ut 0f y0u.   
AC: :33 Im a heart player aren't I? My responsibility is to ship and efuryone is staying under meow control until my two newest ships set sail.  
AC: :33 Now kiss! Befur I tell the tentacles to make mew kiss.  
TG: Look Cat Girl as much as I would love to be a part of your weird amateur porn fetish thing, I ain't kissing no crazy ass cane wielding psychadelic chick who's idea of a good time is licking me like a popsicle. Sure im cool with making John kiss spider chick, he's been ready to smooch her since this whole shit started.   
EB: Hey!!  
TG: Hell I wouldn't be surprised if he got down on one knee, pulled a guitar out of his ass, and sang her a love song that he made himself like one of his shitty movie star heroes. But making me smooch Tez over there? Ain't happening. Strider's are lone wolves. We hunt alone. Every once in a while we drop a little sugar here and there cuz a shortage of Strider Sugar means everything goes to shit. Its madness we have Strider addicts just blowing stuff up trying to get some more Strider junk. But other than that we're like eagles. We fly alone.  
GC: WH4TS TH3 M4TT3R COOL K1D? 1 KNOW YOU JUST C4NT G3T 3NOUGH OF M3  
AC: :33 AUUUGGGHHHH ENOUGH!!!   
AC: :33 Mew   
AC: :33 Will   
AC: :33 Kiss  
AC: :33 Now!!!

The tentacles that are holding Dave and Neophyte(sorry Terezi, see this is why you and Dave don't use Flarpnames, they get really damn confusing sometimes) spring into action. They slowly drag the two together despite the best efforts of the two prisoners. The tentacles around Dave move as if trapped in amber and you know he's doing his time thing but it isn't stopping them completely. Some of the tentacles around Terezi fly off as if burnt by her touch and shrivel away into ashes but new ones simply replace the ones that are damaged. 

They're five feet away, then two, then the tentacles finally smush them together. His head is turned to the side so when they do collide Dave's ear crashes into Terezi's nose. Nepeta hisses angrily and flicks her finger at a stray tentacle. It dashes off and tries to pull Dave's face back forward. 

Dave struggles and you can see his lips move as he whispers quietly to Terezi. You're not close enough to hear what they say, if only there was some way to “be Dave” or something but thats preposterous.

**Be Dave**

Yep, your name is Strider. Dave Strider. And you have just landed in some weird ass anime scene. A cat girl is using tentacles(like seriously??? Tentacles?!!) to force you and another chick to smooch. Yea this situation is not cool. At all. If anything this situation is Cool's archnemesis who used to be friends with Cool back in high school until Cool beat him in a competition and then he vowed revenge and spent the rest of his life as a drunken idiot who eventually fell off a bridge and drowned. 

Still at least you can salvage some dying shreds of rep from this burning heap of a ship. If anybody can then a Strider can.

TG: Hey Tez  
GC: 1D LOV3 TO ST4Y 4ND CH4T COOL K1D BUT 1M K1ND OF TRY1NG TO G3T MYS3LF FR33  
Her eyes shine bright as the sun for a couple of seconds and about half of the tentacles that are holding her captive fizzle down to useless stumps of darkness.  
TG: There's too many tentacles. We're never going to get free that way.   
GC: WELL WELL I DIDNT KNOW COOL KIDS WERE QUITTERS  
GC: OR MAYBE YOU SECRETLY WANT MY TONGUE DOWN YOUR THROAT…  
GC: IS THAT IT COOL KID? >:]  
TG: Don’t flatter yourself psycho sis, my chill factor is too strong for your feminine wiles  
TG: Im just looking at the facts. The facts are right in front of me and im looking at them like a lieutenant in an army and im all like “General we can’t win!! All we have are 9 soldiers, two horses, a whole buttload of water guns, and a pineapple” and the general is all like “Okay pull out leave the pineapple behind to cover our escape” and then we come back a year later and just slaughter everyone with nukes and shit  
GC: ...  
TG: Look. The way I see it we got two choices here  
TG: One we keep trying to fight the tentacles until we lose and they force us to put on a show for everyone here  
TG: Or two, we steal the metaphorical thunder and just wreck everyone’s shit. We one up the cat chick and make everyone’s jaw drop so hard there’s a whole bunch of holes in the ground leading to China   
GC: COOL K1D WH4T 3X4CTLY 4R3 YOU SUGG3ST1NG?  
TG: She wants us to make out in front of everyone right?  
TG: Well I say we do exactly what she wants us to do, but we do it our way.  
TG: History Books will remember us as the best forced kiss porn stars of the century. Kids will be told our story before going to bed. The newspapers will go crazy over our one time passion filled fiasco. There will be books written about us and that one violent passionate union of souls that we shared in a deserted Flarp dungeon. Millions of poor lonely depressed teenagers will jack off wishing they could be forced by black slimy tentacles into a kiss halfway as good as the one we’re about to have  
TG: I mean your sister and my bro have already locked lips god knows how many times. I don’t know about you but I ain’t gonna let John one up me in this campaign of raging teenage hormones.   
TG: I say lets show those two bozos what a real kiss looks like  
GC: ...  
GC: COOL K1D 1M BLUSH1NG!!!  
GC: TH4T W4S TH3 MOST D3L1C1CIOUS ONLY HALFWAY CR33PY M4K3 OUT W1TH M3 SP33CH 1’V3 3V3R H34RD  
TG: What can I say? I’m just that awesome  
GC: L3TS WR3CK SOM3 SH1T COOL K1D  
TG: Call me Strider, Dave Strider  
TG: On the count of three?  
GC: ON3  
TG: two  
GC: THR33 >:]

_7 seconds ago_  
Yes you are Dave Strider and however much you try to keep up the Strider coolness and pretend this is just something you’re doing for the sake of irony and being awesome, you can’t help but notice the your cheeks are starting to warm up and your palms are sweating despite the icy coolness of the tentacles. You made a hella ironic speech and she was awesome enough to go along with your crazy plan but now that it comes time to actually put it in action you feel more like an Egbert than like a Strider, all nerves and thoughts racing around in your head. She whispers one with a seductive look in your eye and you don’t even notice your lips moving until you hear your own voice say two over the deafening beating of your heart, so loud that it’s a wonder she doesn’t hear it. She pauses a moment before finally whispering three and that’s when you lose the last trace of coolness you still had. 

She leans forward and as she does her wings burst out of her back cutting the tentacles holding her in half. The severed tentacles writhe helplessly and fall to the floor before dissolving. More rush in to replace them but before they can surround her again her wings grow to twice their size and surrounds you burning through your tentacles like a knife through butter. You close your eyes for a second and when you open them there is only blue crystal surrounding you, a backdrop of ephemeral wings speckled with purple spots. Her wings are all you see. The source of the blue is standing in front of you, the smug look of a god who has just created a massive hurricane or demolished a city, on her face. Her eyes shine bright as the sun, so much that even if she were still wearing the shades you stole from her you’re pretty sure the shades would have just burned up from the intensity of the light 

Your heart skips a beat as she steps closer, close enough to smell her sweet fruity scent, and seductively drags her nails up your arm across your shoulder and through the hairs on the back of your neck before her arm is grabbing your neck and gently pulling you forward.

GC: W3LL STR1D3R?   
GC: 4R3 W3 PUTT1NG ON 4 SHOW OR WH4T?

Okay you can do this. Poker face poker face think of sports. The big man dribbles down the court, no think of football, he’s running down the field, maybe you should throw a football in a jar and keep it in your fridge for irony, okay you’re chill, you’re Strider, Bro wouldn’t back down from this chick. You were the one who challenged her, so step up and be a man. 

TG: You kind of blocked the view of our adoring fans

You wave your hand at the barrier that separates you from everyone else and she giggles softly

GC: SO WE’LL M4K3 1T 4 PR1V4T3 SHOW >:]  
GC: DON’T WORRY IF ANYTH1NG 1NT3R3ST1NG H4PP3NS TH3N 1’LL OP3N MY W1NGS 4ND L3T THOS3 LOS3RS B3 J34LOUS

You stick your hand in your pockets and strive to keep your poker face even as her smell intoxicates you. 

GC: COOL K1D!!!  
GC: 4R3 YOU B4CKING OUT????  
GC: WH4T H4PP3N3D TO TH3 H1STORY BOOKS 4ND TH3 B3DT1M3 STOR13S??  
GC: WH4T 4R3 4LL THOS3 POOR LON3LY T33N4G3RS GO1NG TO J4CK OFF TO MMFFF!!!!

Striders never back out.  
And you prove it to her by stepping forward and crashing your lips into hers interrupting her in the middle of her sentence. Her lips freeze against yours before softening and she wastes no time in capturing your tongue with her own with a ferocity that leaves you unable to breathe. The hand that was on your neck goes limp from surprise before pulling you in closer. You place one hand around her (soft, curvy, amazing) waist drawing a muffled moan from her when you grip her side tightly and you use your other hand to casually stroke her hair back behind her ear before letting your hand rest on the back of her head. 

There's a couple of close calls. Your teeth almost clack with hers from the impulsiveness with which you kissed her. Your nose barely misses colliding with her and there's one moment where you both tried to move your tongue into the other persons mouth and they smacked together awkwardly in the middle. But you tilt your head to the side, let her tongue do most the work(not that she gives you much choice in the matter, her tongue moves as fast as a whip), and slip into a daze of blissfulness that could have lasted anywhere from a minute to several days. You start to draw slow circles on her back with your hand and are rewarded with a soft groan and her body just melts into yours. Her free hand is on your neck now too and as she becomes more adventurous you feel a sharp pain of her teeth puncturing your lower lip that melts into blissful ecstacy. 

The space between the two of you is nonexistant by now, every inch of you is pressed against her supple curves with the fevered passion of a wild animal. You two are no longer different people who simply happened to be pressed together in all the right places, seperated only by thin layers of clothing, no you two are a beautiful mess that had simply not realized they were meant to be together until now.

You're taking more control now and your tongues are doing a weird combination of tag and wrestling in a game of one-upmanship(one-uptongueship? Damn thats ironic). Her tongue teases yours brushing gently over the spot where she left a cut on your lip and you feel your body tremble with pleasure. She feels the involuntary shudder and grins against your lips. You move your tongue forward to retaliate but you get distracted by a whoosing of air as her wings fly open and before you get over your hestitation she's back on the offensive, digging her claws into your neck while the movement of her lips makes you forget where you are and who you are. 

You don't remember when exactly her wings drew you up into the air away from the ground. You also didn't feel when your wings sprouted from your back. Its kind of hard to notice anything but the closeness of her body and the feel of her lips moving tenderly across yours, and the glimpses of her face that happen when you open your eyes for a second. You both open your eyes at the same time and a current go through you when you see her wide orange eyes. Her long slender eyelashes that almost reach yours, how have you not noticed them before

You do notice though, when your wings touch. It was bound to happen, even with Terezi pulling hers back out of the protective cocoon they had made before. Yours had grown to almost her size and when she pulled back just a little on her lips, not enough to seperate, but enough to tease you and drive you crazy, you flicked your wings involuntarily forward and they grazed hers. 

The feeling was unlike anything you'd ever felt before. You forgot what you were doing with your mouth, what you were doing with your hands, what you were doing period, as you felt a wave of pleasure go through you. A moan slipped through your mouth and you would have been slightly embarrassed(not too embarrassed cuz Striders don’t do embarrassment well) if she hadn't been moaning too, her hands grasping into fists at the emotion. Her wings felt scaly, not feathery like yours, but it was so much warmer than yours, and oh god, they touched again, you're losing your cool fast and everyones watching. God who knew wings could be so sensitive?

You breathe, trying to pace yourself, and shit the wings touched again and it wasn't just a passing graze, it was a full on caress, you're going to have to break away before it happens again, because you can't take much more of this, you're not even paying attention anymore to what your lips, to what your tongue is doing, and from the feel of it, neither is she. The kiss is getting sloppy, she's not even moving her lips anymore, or trying to hide the breathy moans that resonate deep within her. You feel her heart racing against your chest. You flap your wings back in a futile attempt to prevent any more wing grazing and with a deep breath you break the kiss, pushing her back as gently as you can manage before gasping for air like a poor fish that was kidnapped from his father and taken to a pet store in 42 Wallaby Way Sydney before almost suffocating until finally dropping into the water. You probably don't look nearly as cool right now as a strider should, your hands on your knees, gasping for breath, but right now you can barely think, and your heart is still beating a million miles a minute, and you can still remember how your wings felt against hers. 

You look up at her beautiful orange eyes. She's a little better than you, not hunched over and half choking, but she's biting her lip as if she was left with just a taste and longing for more, and shit she's gorgeous. Like seriously drop dead gorgeous

She gives you a sly wink before her wings slowly shrink back into her body. Yours are shrinking too, involuntarily, though right now you probably couldn't keep them out even if you wanted to. 

AC: :33 MEEEEEEEE EEEEEPPPPP >:333333 *AC gasps*  
CG: WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK DID I JUST SEE?  
CG: YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW ACUTELY DEPRESSING IT IS TO REALIZE THAT I'M FROM THE SAME SPECIES AS YOU TWO BLITHERING DOUCHENUGGETS WITH WALNUTS FOR BRAINSACKS  
CG: OH SURE ITS NOT LIKE WE JUST MET THIS WEEK AND WE'VE TRIED TO KILL EACH OTHER SEVERAL TIMES LETS JUST MAKE OUT IN THE MOST REVOLTING ASS-SNIFFINGLY OBVIOUS WAY POSSIBLE   
CG: GOD ARE YOUR THINKPANS BREEDING GROUNDS FOR PLAGUE INFESTED GRUBS OR IS IT JUST THAT YOU'RE SO SOCIALLY INEPT THAT ALL SEMBLANCE OF HUMAN DECENCY IS FOREIGN TO THAT ROTTEN SHITSTAIN EXCUSE YOU HAVE FOR A BRAIN?  
EB: Umm Karkat?  
CG: SOMEWHERE OUT THERE IS A TREE TIRELESSLY PRODUCING OXYGEN SO YOU FUCKTARDS COULD PUT ON THAT SHOW OF UNPARALLELED STUPIDITY  
CG: I THINK YOU TWO DOUCHEHEADED BULGESNIFFERS SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO THAT FUCKING TREE  
AA: Nepeta is kind 0f...  
CG: WORDS CANNOT ADEQUATELY CONVEY JUST HOW MUCH DISDAIN I HOLD FOR YOU TWO PANSY CHESTED HORMONE THROBBING ASSWAD LICKING DOUCHEWAFFLE FUCKWITS THAT CAN'T KEEP YOUR TONGUES TO YOUR FUCKING SELF  
EB: Hey Karkat!  
CG: I HATE TO BE THE RAIN OF REASON ON YOUR HORMONE RAGING BONFIRE BUT HAS IT ENTERED YOUR PUTRID ROTTING THINK PANS THA  
AG: Jegus shut up shouty dum8ass Nepeta f8nted!!!!!!!!  
CG: SHUT UP SPIDERBITCH I WAS JUST GETTING WAIT NEPETA FAINTED?? SHIT WHY DIDN’T ANY OF YOU FUCKTARDS TELL ME?  
AA: ...  
AA: We tried 

Everybody huddles around Nepeta until Aradia uses her death voice to tell everyone to BACK OFF and give Nepeta some space. The black in Nepetas eyes is gone and it doesn’t look like it traveled to anyone else. You stand next to Tez awkwardly with your hands in your pockets and your gaze fixed anywhere but on her. Considering that not two minutes ago the two of you were MAKING OUT you should probably be saying something cool and suave right now like “Hey Babe how’s it hanging?” or some other shit like that but you don’t really trust your tongue right now not to say something stupid and besides acting distant is kind of cool right? Even if it makes you feel kind of lonely. If its any consolation she doesn’t seem to want to talk to you either. The few times that you’ve dared to glance at her she’s been staring intently at the cave wall, her cane, her fingernails, anything. 

You look at Aradia and she’s waving her sword over Nepeta while murmuring words in whatever demon language she speaks. Its kind of ironic that the Queen of DEATH is the one who’s trying to REVIVE the unconscious Nepeta but hey its not like you know any healing magic. The only one on your team who actually spent points on learning those spells was Tavros, oh and Kanaya whenever she plays but she’s not really a part of your team any more. Her and Rose usually just do whatever the shit they feel like. 

You wonder what your bro Johns doing? You look and surprise surprise he’s fraternizing with the enemy. You’re going to have to have a TALK with your glorious leader about talking with crazy spider chicks ESPECIALLY when the crazy spider chick happens to have a pair of dice that have a nasty tendency to explode in your face. It never pays to get close with your enemies, take it from a Strider. Then again you’re not one to talk. You look left and catch Tez’s eyes right as they were about to go back to studying her fingernails intently. 

TG: Sup?

Best greeting ever. Works for any occasion, hell its like the chicken of ironic greetings. Simple straightforward. 

GC: NOTH1NG MUCH COOL KID

Okay this isn’t too bad. Not too awkward you can do this

TG: So that was… interesting  
GC: 1NT3R3ST1NG?  
TG: Not interesting! I meant umm awesome, ironic, ironically awesome, sweet, wicked, shit whatever just don’t listen to me

Well that’s it. Strike one, two, three. If baseball had four strikes it would have also been strike four. Shit you need to make a new sport with like a bagillion strikes just so you can use it for metaphors in times like these, you’ll call it some ironic shit like Wankball and make an official website and rules and everything all for the sake of irony of course

GC: Y34... 1T W4S PR3TTY 4W3SOM3

She says it with a smirk in your direction before walking off to talk to Eridan(which is apparently Dualscars real name). He’s still pretty shaken up from being possessed and then what Sollux did to him

Wait you don’t know what Sollux did to him?

Oh shit, see this is why you hate temporal jumps, all they do is confuse the shit out of everyone. Oh well guess you should probably jump into the past so there’s not a huge paradox time break. 

_An unidentified amount of time in the past but not too large of an unidentified time…_

tA: get off me you goddamn psycho ii dont even know you  
CG: SHIT SOLLUX YOUR EYES ARE TURNING BLACK!!  
tA: 2hiit what the fuck ii2 happening?  
TA: ...  
TA: ii feel good   
CG: SHIT SHIT SHIT

Actually you know what? You REALLY don’t want to go back through all that shit again. How about you just give the Strider summary of what happened? Short and sweet with just the right amount of irony(aka all the irony…all of it). That sounds good doesn’t it? Plus it helps to avoid DEAD DAVES and TEMPORAL PARADOXES and OFFSHOOT UNIVERSES which are all REALLY BAD THINGS

">SOOOO… where were we? Oh yea Sollux was going black, like blacker than Will Smith in I Am Legend, like so black he got INSANE RAP SKILLZ. Dualscar was going back to his usual pasty white self a little confused like What The Hell just happened? Oh you just got possessed by some weird ass demon thing. Anyway so he saw the shirt that he tore in half on the ground and legit got down on his knees and mourned its death, tears and funeral and limo ride and everything. Sollux was doing his evil laugh thing little tentacles popping out from all over his body the weirdness factor was reaching UNREAL levels. Oh and his voice got a lot deeper and he lost his lisp. It was kinda like one of those microphones you buy at target that changes your voice to a robots voice or Chewbacca’s voice or some shit like that except this demon was changing his voice to like a really deep masculine voice. Think King Leonidas from 300. Karkat was over there yelling like… well like Karkat cussing Sollux out and saying all sorts of INSANE DEATHTHREATS if Sollux didn’t get his shit together and say Hell No to the darkness and the whole possession shit. But of course Sollux wasn’t even paying attention which isn’t too weird cause who pays attention to Karkat when he goes full cuss mode

So Mindfang rolled her dice like the last round in a game of monopoly and she can win if she just gets an 8 and lands on Boardwalk and hotels the shit out of that place until it’s a posh 5 star hotel for billionaires and gazillionaires , and she got the fucking 8 and did her evil spider grin. A whole bunch of snakes shot out and started to tie Sollux down, like gang-raping him, shit you should start an ironic support group for people who have been gang-raped by reptiles that’s like a BAGILLION DOLLAR IDEA but yea so he was getting tied down and all he did was flick a finger, you’re not sure if it was the middle finger but if it was that would have been PERFECT because in the next moment all the snakes flew off him and turned back towards their master all like VIVA LA REVOLUCION!!! DOWN WITH THE SPIDER ARISTOCRACY!!! CRAZY POSSESED SOLLUX FOR SNAKE PRESIDENT!!! 

So she was busy fighting off her own snakes. Sollux got up dusted some dirt off his shoulder like a rich posh kid from the upper west side and walked over to where Dualscar was still on the ground, shirtless, holding fragments of cloth, and frankly looking scared as hell. 

Sollux just grinned and his eyes flashed black like weird psychedelic halloween flashlights and Dualscar was yanked up into the air by the black tentacles. 

TA: Next time you kii22 me, try not to 2lobber 2o much

He said all chill and then he went and he smooches Dualscar back like some weird demon match made in heaven, and by this point I seriously thought this demon wanted to make an orgy of possessed maniacs and I was about ready to flip some shit and abscond because hell no I’m not staying for some weird ass orgy flarp party but right at that point Karkat got up and shoves Dualscar away and then he tried to push Sollux to the ground but Sollux just burned his hands(Kids remember don’t forget to put on gloves before touching the possessed psionic flarper or else you could burn your hands) 

Karkat backed off but the demon decided Sollux’s body just wasn’t cutting it anymore. He probably was going mad from whatever shit goes through Sollux’s mind, or maybe it just wasn’t comfortable enough, and he all up and went to the landlord and was “Yo Landlord im leaving, there’s this bro Karkat, he’s loud but his mind has a plasma tv and I like to watch the world cup while I possess poor innocent flarpers so I think I’m gonna go to possess him anyway here’s the key im leaving bitches

So the shadow left through Sollux’s ears and the demon was just a dark blob in the air, chilling for a bit, maybe trying to get a tan from all the sunshine that was coming from topside or enjoying the fresh air before diving towards Karkat. So we al thought Karkat was going to get possessed and that would have been some weird ass sight to see but Nepeta decided to save him with a badass dive. She pushed him out of the way like a prince pushing a princess out of the way of a black dragon and then getting chomped and then the princess is all like Ill never love again but the prince comes back as a ghost and tells her to move on and gives her one last kiss and the Princess moves on and marries a male stripper with a WICKED six pack and it turns out the male stripper is actually a reincarnation of the dead prince but he doesn’t remember her or his past life cause of reincarnation bullshit so he just thinks she’s a hot princess with a HUGE pair of… beautiful hands so they get married but her brother doesn’t approve of her marriage so she hires an assassin and… and maybe this metaphor is getting a little out of hand. Anyway Nepeta pushes Karkat out of the way and lands right in the path of the darkness and Equius tries to do the same thing, get like a x2 save the princess combo run going but he’s too late and she gets infected. 

>And that’s when shit gets WRECKED. Sollux and Dualscar as minions was pretty bad but other than some minor dark powers there wasn’t really anything TOO ironically or unironically evil about them. But Nepeta took to the darkness like a fish to water and she became the Cat Queen of evil tentacles. You figure its cause of her alignment or something. That’s usually how Flarp Powers work. If you had to guess, its cause she’s a heart player, and the shadow worked on heart magic so she could take totally amplify the RAD DARKNESS SKILLS like a GUITAR AMP if guitar amps happened to plug into evil flarp monsters

She whispered some words to the lead tentacle and the lead tentacle spoke to the vice tentacle and the vice tentacle informed his generals and the generals informed their lieutenants and the lieutenants informed their captains and the captains ordered their privates around like the no good slacker tentacles they are so that eventually everybody in the room was trapped by tentacles. Even you, I mean you did your best to do some ninja judo cartwheel, dodge them and abscond, but hey tentacles happen to be really fast. And then she started ordering you and Tez to kiss and you were like Hell No and then she ordered your bro John and Spider Chick to kiss and he just blushed while she cussed at Nepeta and that’s what happened. 

Anyway now that we got that story out of the way how about we go back to our regularly scheduled programming

_An unidentified amount of time back into the future(aka the present)_

AA: She's c0nsci0us!

Equius heard this and stopped his sulking immediately. He pushed his way towards Nepeta ignoring the hiss from Vriska when he pushed her aside accidentally. 

CT: D --> Nepeta how are you foaling?  
AC: :33 I am feline purrfectly well Equius  
AC: :33 But I am a little tired  
AC: :33 I think I will purrhaps log off fur now  
CT: D --> Of horse go home and rest  
CT: D --> Does AC still foal like hanging out tommorow?  
AC: :33 *GASP* Mew rp'd!!  
AC: :33 But mew thinks rp'ing is silly!!!  
CT: D --> Well yes it is a rather trivial and f00lish activity but my best friend seems to enjoy it a great deal  
AC: :33 AC would love to hang out tommorow Equius  
CG: (IM GOING TO BE SICK)  
AC: :33 Bye efuryone!!!  
AA: Bye Nepeta!!!  
GC: BY3 N3P!!!

AC'S Rogue of Heart[level 67] has logged off the Flarp Server

AG: Ok8y listen up every8ody!!!!!!!!  
AG: A lot of shit happened today and I got myself a sweet 8alrog Fire Helmet, buuuuuuuut...  
AG: We still haven't answered the question of which is the 8etter team!  
AG: So I say we t8ke a couple days to regroup, relax, and then we fight to the death ::::)  
EB: Or you know we could become friends and not fight?  
AG: Sure if you want to 8e a wimp  
EB: I don't really want to...  
TG: John shut up you're embarrasing us  
TG: What are the stakes spider chick?  
AG: What do you think Tez? All or nothing?  
GC: 4LW4YS 4ND FOR3V3R >:]  
GC: OUR T3RMS COOL K1D 4R3 S1MPL3  
GC: W1NN1NG T34M T4K3S 4LL TH3 3QU1PM3NT GR1ST 4ND R3P OF TH3 OTH3R T34M  
GC: MOR3 1MPORT4NTLY TH3Y C4N 4LSO CHOOS3 4NY FL4RP3RS FROM TH3 OTH3R T34M TO T4K3 ONTO TH31R T34M  
TG: Interesting...  
TG: Rules?  
AG: Even pl8ying field, pro8a8ly Ferlin Dungeons, somewhere without any monsters and with not too many other teams that could interfere.  
AG: No allies to help you, no deck of many things or angel tears cause 8oth of those are cheap as hell  
AG: Potions, spells, enchanted armor, scrolls, the whole 8 yards. Anything goes.   
GC: F1RST T34M TO H4V3 4LL TH31R PL4Y3RS 1NC4P4C1T4T3D OR BOTH TH31R L34D3RS D34D LOS3S  
EB: (I don't know Dave it took us forever to get this high of a level)  
AA: I don't want to lose my flarpvatar either!  
TG: Counteroffer, you ready to hear this, man this shit is golden  
TG: Same rules, same place, nonlethal damage only. And the leaders of the losing team have to be the slaves of the winning team for an hour, follow any and all orders they're given.   
AG: Damn shit just got interesting ::::)  
AG: I don't really like the nonlethal thing, that's more for noobs  
TG: Well that's all you're getting so deal or no deal?  
GC: D34L

span class="john">ectoBiologist opens private chat with [timeausTestified, carcinoGeneticist]  
EB: What do you two think of this deal?  
tA: ii don't liike iit   
tA: but ii gueth iit would be nice to pay back that fith idiot  
CG: SAME  
CG: I'LL PROBABLY REGRET SAYING THIS, ESPECIALLY SINCE THE IDEA CAME FROM STRIDER WHO AS FAR AS I KNOW HAS NEVER HAD A GOOD IDEA IN HIS LIFE, BUT LETS PAY BACK THOSE FUCKTARDS   
EB: Great :)  
ectoBiologist closes private chat

EB: Our team is in, when do you want to do this?  
AG: How a8out next Wednesday at noon? That's when there's the least amount of Flarpers out to get in our w8y  
EB: That's during school...  
AG: Soooooooo?  
AG: Are you to much of a wimp to skip one or two classes?  
TG: Wednesday at noon it is  
GC: C4N'T W41T  
GC: T34M SCOURG3 OUT!

GC'S **Seer of Mind[level 87] has logged off the Flarp Server**  
AG'S **Thief of Light[level 88] has logged off the Flarp Server**  
AA'S **Maid of Time[level 74] has logged off the Flarp Server**  
CA'S **Prince of Hope[level 71] has logged off the Flarp Server**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggestions used: None :(  
> IM SO AHAMED!!!!!!  
> I was so busy tying up lose ends and leading in to some new suggestions :(  
> *single tear of shame*  
> BUT I promise next chapter I have a total of 8 suggestions ready to put into play. Eight!!! Vriska would be so proud ::::)  
> ANyway don't forget to comment and again sorry I promise im not ignoring you guys


	6. Whole bunch of stuff happens I guess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with a new mysterious character, a heathen temple, a mission, karkat yelling at eridan, karkat yelling at dave, The Strider Code, eridan making a rather unexpected offer, and Nepeta meeting Tavros.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its a day early so enjoy!!!  
> HUGE shout out to OBVOS for letting me use his fantroll in this story. If you guys don't know OBVOS that dude's pretty rad. NOT ONLY has he been one of the more dedicated followers of my stories, BUT I see his kudos and comments all over ao3 on all the new and promising fanfics. So yea give that dude a fist bump from me if you ever meet him. 
> 
> Oh and THANK YOU to all ya other peeps including fennekins, kateinator, arkaunn, HeresyIncarnate, and ANYONE ELSE I MISSED. I never expected my writing to get so many views and you guys are uts awesome

cursedVirtuoso begins pestering sereneMelodist  
CV: Thalia?  
CV: ...  
CV: Of course you aren't there  
CV: Listen for all I know you gave up on this whole pallet of shit they gave us  
CV: I wouldn't blame you, honest I wouldn't its been what like 11 months and 12 days and still no sign of anything?  
CV: But you promised you wouldn't, and I promised I would keep looking so here I am...  
CV: looking  
CV: ...  
CV: I have a lead, it could lead somewhere, I don't want to get my hopes up, or yours if you can see this, but there might be some way to track you down   
CV: Im on my way now to the Sylvian Forest  
CV: If I find what I'm looking for then, well I guess I'll tell you  
CV: ...  
CV: I miss you Thalia  
CV: fuck  
CV: you know what?  
CV: chances are you're never going to see this message, or any of the other messages I sent you, so I might as well tell you something I was always too scared to say...  
CV:   
CV: Thalia Spyros,  
CV: I kind of maybe perhaps, I think its possible I,  
CV: Thalia I...  
CV: I love you  
CV: I love you, im completely heads over friekin heels for you, its true and I can't believe I waited so long to say it but im saying it now,   
CV: I love the way you close your eyes when you play your flute, I love the way you twirl your hair absentmindedly when you listen to someone, and the way your eyes light up when you talk about your dreams, and I just love everything about you  
CV:   
CV: Yea so if you can see this then I probably just made a complete fool of myself  
CV: Oh well  
CV:   
CV: Bye Thalia  
CV:  
CV: I'll find you  
CV: Thats what partners do...  
CV: We got each others backs remember?  
CV: ...  
CV: Bye  
cursedVirtuoso ceased pestering sereneMelodist

 

Your name is Mikvos Jarrik and you are an ARTISAN OF NIGHT. Your primary strifekind allocation is SCYTHEKIND but your secondary strifekind is FAR MORE USEFUL AND POWERFUL. Its a BRUSHKIND strife specibus, currently occupied by the "Painter's Bane," a magical brush you picked up in the Forest of Gibraltar. That forest is also where your partner, THALIA SPYROS, found her "Flute of Dreams" the one you currently carry in your sylladex. Not that she needs a magical flute to sound amazing, when she plays, even the songbirds fall silent.

You look around. You are perched on an old wizened oak tree, your scythe lodged into the trunk at easy reach to discourage any monsters nearby from thinking of you as easy prey. Not that you would need your scythe to tear any monster nearby to pieces. You haven't met a real challenge in ages, closest you came was getting ganged up on by **_Gilded Bloodscale Drakon_** (drakons are twenty times worse than dragons), an **_Elemental Soul Reaper_** (the type that summons up a whole bunch of **Elemental Deathlords** , and a nasty group of FlAdmins(those guys have been after you for ages). 

In front of you is a craggy, jagged, despicable excuse for a mountain. It looks like a mountain that had been taken apart by cyclopes and then put back together by throwing the pieces in a pile, given the appearance that the whole thing could collapse at any time. The flmap you have in your sylladex doesn't even have it labeled, and the local driads call it _nor-dorgannas_ or _nor-fannas_. The dryads usually speak a woodland tongue derived from the Fendas language of the Suthian Rangers that inhabited this forest centuries ago which would roughly translate the name of the mountain into "Terras Fist," Terra being the ancient woodland deity of the rangers but you believe the name actually comes from the Sylvian tongue, from the yugwar woodelves that were driven out by the rangers, which would mean the name of the mountain actually means "rocky gateway," or "moon gateway," you're not quite sure which. The sylvian tongue is one of the hardest to learn given that the few woodelves that still speak it rather enjoy hunting enemies at night with their poison tipped arrows, enemies being any species not their own. It tends to put a damper on their otherwise exemplary hospitality and it also means that its one of the few topland languages you don't have a mastery of. 

If your suspicions are right, then when the moon shines on the mountain then it will open a doorway into a temple, a temple of the old heathen gods, and there might be something to help you. A Stone of Finlor to be exact, one of 3 identical one's. The elemental king broke the first one that he stole from the elves in a fit of anger when he found out he could not use it. The explosion created the Ravine of Yarew to the east and also left the elemental king hideously scarred, scars that can be seen no matter what form the elemental king decides to take. An Aquatic Elf by the name of Wervin stole the 2nd one from the crown of the Aasimar King, right after he cut off the Assimars wings, and as punishment he was cursed to lose everything he held most dear. Wervin scoffed at the curse right up until the last and oldest Hellborn Darkscale Drakon, Raggwefer, burned his town to the ground and swallowed him whole, his hand still clutching the stolen seeing stone. The stone burned out Raggwefer's eyes from the inside and he fled to the depths of the Ferin Mountain Ranges, far above the reach of even the Aarakocra. The third and last stone, the one you were hoping to find, was lost from memory after the high elf king Horrjar, tossed it into the sea in a fit of madness when he saw his dead wife and son in the stone(he eventually went crazy and ordered his guards to kill his wife and son in order to spite the "demons" that plagued him)

Not long to wait now, the night was waxing and the moon peaked out from her hiding place behind the clouds. Soon the place would be bathed in moonlight and you would either have your suspicions confirmed, or your hopes denied. You leg shakes in nervousness, this was the farthest you've ever come in all your 11 months of searching desperately, bribing other flarpers, blackmailing toplanders, following every single lead you could think of, looking for a single clue of how to find her and to have to start over now, with nothing to show for it... 

Your somber train of thought is interrupted by a red holographic message popping up in front of you. Oh these guys again... sure you could do with a laugh

flarpAdmin begins messaging cursedVirtuoso  
FA: Sir I am Flarp Admin 223 and I just wanted to inform you that your actions in the past 24 hours have violated the Flarp Terms and Conditions and if you don't desist then I will be forced to ban you from our server.  
CV: Of course "Admin 223," I will correct this problem immediately this is completely new information to me.  
FA: Thank you sir  
FA: I appreciate your cooperation  
CV: I mean ONLY the last 24 hours??  
CV: I'm a little ashamed of myself to be honest. This is going to completely trash my reputation!!  
CV: What about the Admin I stabbed through the head the day before yesterday?  
CV: Or breaking into your little "emergency weapon stash" last week behind the hidden door in the basement of Quency's Quills?  
CV: Thanks for the loot btw ;)  
CV: The traders down in the Black Hawk Corner paid me some good grist for that supply of invisi-cloaks  
FA: Sir  
CV: Oh and I almost forgot!!!  
CV: Trading down at Black Hawk Corner is illegal isn't it??  
FA: Sir   
CV: Silly me!! I just can't do anything right can't I?  
cursedVirtuoso has been banned from the Flarp Server indefinitely. If you feel this player was wrongfully banned please send Flarp Support a petition for punishment revocation at flarp.com or call our help desk at 407-364-5767 and dial extension number 333  
CV: Wow so this is what it's like to be banned...  
FA: Sir how did you bypass our server ejection command?  
CV: Now wouldn't you want to now...  
FA: Sir I insist you tell me  
CV: Listen up newbie here's the deal  
CV: You must be new over there if you haven't heard of me, go have a little chat with your boss ask him about The Painter  
CV: You guys can do NOTHING to me  
CV: You can't ban me  
CV: You can't kill me with those joke of a fighter Admin Flarpers you send buzzing around like flies.   
CV: You don't even know where I am half the time  
CV: "Mr. Admin 223," the truth is I won't rest, I won't stop until I find the partner you stole from me  
CV: Keep chasing after me and see what happens  
cursedVirtuoso ceased messaging flarpAdmin

You smile as you look back at the mountain. The light from the slender moon bathes it in a silverish glow and as you watch a small gossamer-strand of white fire bursts from the ground, fluttering and disappearing with the wind at first before emerging forth again. First one flame , then two, a couple of feet away. Seven miniature flames of white magic, outlining an archway and the runes and curved lines connecting them fade into view. No elven runes from the high elves or even the wood elves adorn this gateway, these runes are far older. The image of a man emerging from the stone burns brightly in the middle of the seven flames before trickling outwards, solidifying the outline of the door, once hazy and shadowy lines hardening into smooth black stone. There's no handle but that doesn't surprise you. The old heathen temples rarely have handles, or even clearly defined entrance points though this door is clearly the exception. 

You equip your brush and absentmindedly draw in the chill night air as the door finishes solidifying. This brush needs no paint, it makes its own, nor does it need canvas as it can use the very air as a surface. You don't draw anything in particular, letting your powers guide your brush strokes and your hands. In front of you the shape of a girl starts to take form. You've seen this girl before, many times in fact. Lately, she's all your visions have been letting you draw. The brush switches to a jet black paint and you sweep up and down automatically letting her long dark hair reach down to her dark blue jeans. A couple strokes later and you see the now familiar sign on her shirt, a scorpio. Her face is always where your visions fail you, your hand loses direction as you move it to draw her eyes, her nose, and the painting remains incomplete, unfinished.

But this time its different. You almost lose concentration and drop your brush when the shape of lips appears, a dark blue shade not unlike the blue highlight in her hair. The door still hasn't materialized completely and you pray it won't until you finally finish the painting, until you finally see this girl's face, the girl who might possibly be a clue in finding Thalia.

Her nose, then a stray lock of hair coming down over her face spill out from your brush. So close, only the eyes are left. Your brush slows and you fervently hope that the vision will last long enough. You draw her right eye first, long black eyelashes spilling out from over it. Then her left eyelashes and the brush moves quicker and quicker, drawing the outline of the eye, switching to white to color it in and you start brushing quickly back and forth, small short strokes, when the brush slips from your hand and falls in the mud at your feet. 

The left eye remains unfinished, and as your nails dig into your claws in anger the girl fades into the wind, ephemeral as ever. So close. 

*****

caligulasAquarium begins pestering  carcinoGeneticist  
CA: hey karkat right?  
CA: Its Dualscar  
CG: WHY IN THE EVERLOVING FUCK ARE YOU PESTERING ME?  
CA: wwell wwhy the hell not?  
CG: WERE KIND OF ON SEPERATE TEAMS DUMBASS  
CG: YOURE WITH SPIDERBITCH AND CRAZY LAWYER CHICK  
CG: WHY DONT YOU GO BOTHER THEM? SEE IF THEY GIVE HALF A FUCK  
CA: i dont really like any of them, any of the people on my team that is. I thought i did but a couple of things happened that forced me to open my eyes  
CG: OH HEY LOOK I ALMOST ALMOST GIVE A FUCK  
CG: OUT OF LUCK BUSTER PLEASE TRY AGAIN ANOTHER DAY OR YOU KNOW, NEVER  
CG: NEVER SOUNDS PRETTY FUCKING GOOD RIGHT NOW   
CA: wwow do you evver stop talking?  
CG: OH MR WISEGUY TAKE A FUCKING LOOK AT THIS   
CG:  
CG:  
CG: HOLY SHIT I WASN'T TALKING ITS LIKE A FUCKING MIRACLE  
CG: I CAN'T STOP TALKING, ITS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO INFORM ALL THE FUCKTARDS OF THE WORLD WHAT EXACTLY THEY CAN DO WITH THEIR PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A BRAIN.  
CG: IN YOUR CASE IM THINKING STICK IT IN A BLENDER AND MAKE LIKE A SMOOTHIE OR SOMETHING.   
CA: oh shut the fuck up for twwo seconds  
CA: do you think that kiss meant something?  
CG: WHAT KISS???  
CG: I HAVEN'T FUCKING KISSED YOU OH GOD I SWEAR TO THE TAINTLOVING ALLMIGHTY GOD THAT IF YOU SPIKED MY DRINK WITH ROOFIES OR SOMETHING THEN IM GOING TO SHOVE SOMETHING HARD AND PAINFUL UP YOUR...  
CA: not wwith you you fucking idiot!  
CA: wwith sol  
CG: SOLLUX? WHO DIED AND GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO CALL HIM SOLL? NO I FORBID IT, IF YOU ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT HIM THEN YOU WILL REFER TO HIM AS "THAT FUCKTARD WHO'S ABOUT TEN THOUSAND TIMES SMARTER THAN ME EVEN WHEN HE ACTS LIKE A STUPID FUCKING WRIGGLER"  
CG: AND OF COURSE IT DIDN'T FUCKING MEAN ANYTHING YOU TWO WERE POSSESED BY A FUCKING ORGY DEMON YOU FESTERING PIECE OF OCTOPUS SHIT.  
CA: he kissed me back...  
CG: NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK. AND THE PRIZE FOR CLUELESS HORMONE WASHED SHITWAD GOES TO MR. DOUCHEPANTS OVER HERE CONGRATULATIONS IN ALL MY YEARS OF NOT GIVING SHITS TO THE FUCKTARDS OF THE WORLD, YOU ARE THE ONLY FUCKTARD FOR WHOM ZERO FUCKS IS TOO GOOD. I NEED TO START GIVING YOU LIKE NEGATIVE FUCKS NOW SHIT YOU MESSED UP MY WHOLE SYSTEM.  
CG: OF COURSE HE KISSED YOU BACK HE WAS POSSESED.  
CA: wwell yea but...  
CG: LOOK THATS BESIDES THE FUCKING POINT, THE POINT IS WAY OVER THERE AND FOR SOME BLITHERING SHITSTAINED REASON WERE RIGHT HERE NEXT TO YOUR DELUDED ATTEMPT AT LIFE.   
CG: YOU'RE ON SEPERATE FUCKING TEAMS SO EVEN IF SOLLUX WAS INTO PRETENTIOUS DOUCHEBAGS WITH GAY ASS CAPES THEN NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN  
CG: ZERO, FUCKING NADA, ZILCH, GOT IT YOU INSIPID GRUBFISTING DOUCHEHAT?  
CA: hey my cape's awwesome!!  
CA:   
CA: i could join your team...  
CG: wait seriously?  
CG: FUCK  
CG: I MEAN IS YOUR THINKPAN FUCKING SERIOUS OR IS THIS SOME MORE FISH GLUBBIN BULLSHIT?  
CA: wwell yea   
CG: OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT JUST HOLD YOUR AUTISTIC BRAIN HORSES FOR TWO SECONDS ILL BE RIGHT BACK  
carcinoGenticist is an idle chum

carcinoGeneticist starts pestering turntechGodhead  
CG: SO I CAN'T BELIEVE IM LOOKING FOR ADVICE FROM LITERALLY THE DUMBEST PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET BUT THE REST OF OUR TEAM ARE BEING PIECES OF SHIT AND NOT ANSWERING ME  
TG: Gee I wonder why? I mean it can't be your warm and friendly personality.  
CG: OH GO STUFF A POPSICLE UP YOUR ASS  
TG: Im sensing a repressed fetish over here. You sure that's not your dream, sticking a nice sweet juicy strawberry popsicle up your a hole and drinking up the juice that leaks out?  
CG: WHAT??? FUCK STRIDER CAN'T YOU BE A NORMAL HUMAN FOR TWO FUCKING SECONDS?   
TG: Goes against the strider code bro  
CG: THERE'S NO SUCH THING  
CG: YOU JUST ENJOY BEING A PERVERTED SON OF A BITCH  
TG: Nah dude I have the actual book and everything. Its in a pedestal in my room and it lists all the 6666 rules in the Strider Code. Like number 2546 says "Thou shalt make sure to annoy the living hell out of any shouty bitches named Karkat"  
TG: Number 420 says "Thou shalt get high on life, music, or if that fails then copious amounts of weed"   
CG: I CAN'T EVEN...  
TG: The holy book was passed down from my bro, and from his bro before him tracing its lineage all the way up to the greatest strider of our time, Barneus Strider, a man so legendary he taught Micheal Jackson how to moonwalk, showed Caesar how to make the perfect salad, and dj'd at the Virginia Convention.  
CG: ...  
CG: YOU DONE?  
TG: He completed the perfect week, 7 dj gigs in 7 cities, in 7 nights  
TG: without a single repeated song.  
TG: And during that week he spun so many sick beats that a plague broke out in each place that he played.   
TG: They called it the black plague or some other shit like that.  
CG: I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU  
TG: His shades were made up of a gold titanium alloy and when all the coutries of the world asked him to be the president of earth he just looked at them and walked away.  
CG: WHY IN THE EVERLOVING FUCK DID I THINK THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA?  
TG: I'd tell you the story of how he said "Let them drink apple juice" to the french peasants and made Morgan Freeman into an honorary Strider but then you'd have to become a strider disciple cause you'd know too much and frankly it would be kind of depressing to have you in our temple yelling shit all the time   
TG: So yea what'd you want to ask me?  
CG: ...  
CG: AND THEY WONDER WHY I HATE PEOPLE  
CG: SO IM GOING TO PRETEND THAT PUTRID DISPLAY OF HUMAN BALLSACK IGNORANCE NEVER HAPPENED FOR THE SAKE OF THE SMALL AMOUNT OF MY REMAINING SANITY THAT HASN'T WASTED AWAY   
CG: SO I HAVE A CHOICE HERE AND BOTH OPTIONS SUCK BALLS  
CG: FISH DUDE, REMEMBER HIM?  
CG: YEA HE THINKS HE HAS A CHANCE WITH SOLLUX  
TG: Sollux? Not a chance  
CG: YEA THATS WHAT I FUCKING TOLD HIM BUT HE WANTS TO JOIN OUR TEAM CUZ OF IT  
CG: SO IF WE LET HIM JOIN THEN WE BASICALLY SAY FUCK YOU AND FLIP OFF THE REST OF HIS TEAM PLUS ITLL BE LIKE 6 ON 4 OR WHATEVER WHICH MEANS WE'LL PROBABLY KILL THEIR ASSES  
CG: BUT ITS FISH DUDE, AND SOLLUX WILL PROBABLY EITHER KILL HIM OR KILL US FOR LETTING HIM JOIN  
TG: Eh let him join what's the worst that can happen?  
CG: IM NOT EVEN GOING TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION  
CG: FUCK   
CG: I'LL TELL HIM YES BUT IF THIS LEADS TO A WHOLE BUNCH OF FISH GUTS SPEWED ACROSS THE FLOOR THEN YOU'RE HELPING ME CLEAN THE MESS UP   
turntechGodhead ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist 

***** 

"Nepeta dear" 

"Yes mom" 

"Can you do me a favor and go grab me some flour from the supermarket? Im going to bake us some apple pie later" 

"Sure" 

You open the door and start running down the sidewalk. Why do people always walk everywhere, its so much more fun to run, or to stalk. You jump behind a tree and search for potential prey. Old lady at 2 mew clock, she would be easy prey but the furrocious and mighty huntress does not hunt old ladies. Still now is as good a time to practice your stealth as any. You keep your breathing quiet and your form hidden from view as she passes. Slowly you tiptoe past her before breaking into a dash. She'll nefur catch you now!!!! 

Old ladies are simply no match for your insane hunting skills. You turn your head to look backwards at the old lady, she's still walking. Score one for Nepeta!!!! 

You turn your head back forwards and windmill your arms helplessly in an attempt to stop yourself from running right into a person. 

"WATCH OUT!!!" A guy around your age actually, you notice as your shoes skid against the sidewalk and you crash against him knocking both of you onto the ground. A cute guy around your age you notice as soon as your head stops spinning and you can lift your head up from his chest to see who exactly you assaulted. 

"Im so sorry, oh my god are mew okay I didn't mean to crash into you, I was just running and then I looked back for a couple of seconds and when I turned back mew were there and..." You take a deep gasp of air before you realize you don't really have anything else to say. Is he going to be mad? You get up off him and see a large coke stain on his shirt next to a (now empty) coke bottle. 

"I made mew spill your coke!!!" Your face turns red in embarrassment. 

"u-mm n-no its okay, re-really it-its no big deal. I-ill just umm go home I gu-guess a-and ch-change shirts" He has a pawsitively _adorable_ little stutter and his voice is soft and pleasant to listen to, like vanilla ice cream or apple pie. 

"Nonsense!!! Here my house is down the street, we'll get mew changed into something dry and then I can buy mew another coke. How does that sound?" You hold out your hand to help him back up since so far he hasn't made any attempts at rejoining the world of the standing and he takes it hesitantly. His hands are small like yours. You've always wished your hands were just a little bigger, even though your sister Meulin always tells you that guys like girls with small hands, its always made you feel a little self conscious. You don't feel self conscious with this stranger though, even though you did knock him down and spill his drink. He just seems so nice and maybe a little unsure of himself that makes you feel as if he could be one of your friends . 

"ok i gu-guess... i-if its no pr-problem" 

"No problem at all!!! My name's Nepeta by the way but you can call me Nep if you want or The Furrious Pouncelor" 

He smiles at that and he loses a little bit of his nervous stutter when he answers. "The furrious P-pouncelor?" 

"Yep" You say with a smile. "Im a deadly cat warrior so you better watch out" You show off your(nonexistant) claws and growl playfully. 

This earns a small chuckle from him and you give yourself a mental high-five. Way to go Nep!!! You made him laugh. 

"th-that explains the cat puns I guess" 

"Whatefur are mew meowing about!?? I nefur do cat puns!!" You grab his hand instinctively to turn left into the street where your house is and then let go immediately after you realize what you did. Hopefully he doesn't notice the red tint that you feel coloring your cheeks. I mean it didn't mean anything!!! You were just showing him which way to go. You breathe a sigh of relief when he seems to ignore it. 

"So what's mew name??" 

"ta-tavros" You get a faint sense of deja-vu when you hear his name. Where have you heard that name before? 

Your thoughts are interrupted when you reach your house, a small two story house wedged in between an apartment complex and a used bookstore. The small strip of grass you once had as a pitiful excuse for a lawn has long since died from the combined urinic acid and stool excrement of the multitude of dogs(and for a brief period of time a pair of pigs named Milly and Molly) whose cacophonic barks you can now hear all the way from the sidewalk. 

"th-that sounds like a lot of dogs" He says and you wonder if he's afraid of dogs. That would be just splendid bringing someone who's afraid of dogs into a house chock full of animals. Why didn't you think of this before?? Stupid, stupid. 

"Yea, most of them are my sister's. We foster a bunch of animals from the local pet shelter. Are you okay with them?" You ask fervently praying that the answer is yes.  
"y-yea I love dogs!!" He says and you hear excitement for the first time in his voice. It suits him, not that the whole nervous stutter act isn't positively _adorable_. "i lo-love all animals actually, but m-my mom doesn't re-really like any of them so I never g-got to keep any at home" A wistful tone in his voice makes your heart melt. 

"Well then mew are going to _love_ my house" 

You drag him inside and after giving him one of your more gender-neutral shirts(he said no to the pink Blair t-shirt from Soul Eater and the pink Fairy Tale sweater before finally acceding to the the black Neko-96 t-shirt) 

"d-do you have any clothes that don't have cats on them?" He says jokingly 

"I think I might have a Frozen sweater somewhere around here" You say with a smile. 

He refuses your offer to buy him a coke at the supermarket so you two spend an hour just talking. After you find out he plays Fiduspawn too you MEEP with excitement and pull out your ds so you can show him all your different fiduspawn. Your Horsepony is almost high enough to evolve into a Horserony. He shows you a glitch he learned to get a Catwhale and you hug him from the excitement when it pops on up on your screen. 

You show him all your cats, including Frigglish, Mr. Snout, Blake, Tootsie, and Ginny. 

"S-so are these all your cats?" His stutter is barely even noticeable now. 

"Well not really. I'm just taking care of them until somepawdy is nice enough to adopt one of them. I like to think they're my cats though because otherwise I think about them leaving and it makes me sad" 

"w-well its very nice of you to take care of them. Im sure your house is much nicer than at the shelter" 

The two of you are sitting on the carpet facing each other and you study the boy in front of you. He has long brown locks of hair that match his gorgeous hazel eyes. He's skinny, but not too skinny, and he has a little half smile always present on his face. He doesn't notice you memorizing every curvature of his face because he's busy scratching Mr. Snout's belly, but when Mr. Snout rolls of him with a dignified hiss and struts away he looks him and you feel a current of static run through your fingers as your eyes meet. 

He smiles and you give him the widest goofiest anime grin that you can, not even caring if he thinks you're silly because damn it you are silly and you want him to know that you are. Besides its easy to smile around him. 

You still can't remember where you heard his name before. Tavros... No doubt you'll remember it as soon as he goes home, when you don't have those clear hazel eyes watching you. 

Ginny walks up and lays down in between you two, placing her belly upwards and giving you a look like "Come on get on with it, my belly ain't gonna rub itself." Ginny's a two year old Japanese Bobtail that animal control found caged up in an abandoned home after days of no food or water. When you first started fostering her she was skinny as a stick and wouldn't let you even come close to her. After weeks gaining her trust you woke up one morning to find her curled up with you under the sheets. Now she struts around like she's queen of the house and she's not afraid to let you or the other cats know it. 

Both you and Tavros lean forward to pet her and for the second time that day you head bumps into his. 

"oh im sorry" You say before you realize that you're only a couple centimeter away from him. His eyes look even clearer from up close, is it even _legal_ for a guy to have eyes that cute. 

For a second or two, you think of what it would be like to just lean in and kiss him. His lips are so close and it would be absolutely magical, just like in the movies. What you don't expect is for him to move back suddenly and start sneezing uncontrollably 

"s-sorry ACHOO im a little ACHOO a-allergic to ACHOO c-cats" 

"Mew are allergic!!! Why didn't mew tell me????" 

He waits for the sneezing to stop before replying "We-well normally its not too bad, i-its only a mild allergy" 

He looks up at you and you feel the current pass through your body again, this time stronger. 

"Besides it was worth it" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggestions Used-  
> "This should have temples" -Fennekins  
> "What about fantrolls?" - Kateinator  
> "WHERE WAS TAVROS"- A Nobody  
> Mikvos Jarrik - OBVOS  
> "Let Eridan switch sides on Karkats orders" - Arkauun  
> "What about Tavros?" - Kateinator  
> Suggestions postponed-  
> Fennekins- Power goes out disconnecting both teams and they find out theyre going to the same school


	7. Intermission/authors note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one in which an omnipotent author is extremely sorry and offers up an intermission as apology for writing really slowly and lamely(yes I know lamely isnt a word)

Your name is HALEST0RM3 and you write a series of halfway decent fanfics on this site called ao3. Thats not your real name of course, you keep your real name hidden to protect yourself from getting culled by identity thieves and stalkers. Yesterday night at around 11:45 you were looking at what was going to be the next chapter for this fanfic, and you realized WOW THIS SUCKS. And of course being the perfectionist you are, you can't give your adoring fans sucky writing, right? So MOST UNFORTUNATELY you have been forced to postpne the continuation of what is sure to become a riveting and heartwarming story about love, betrayal, and life in general in lieu of this tacky and cheesy intermission. You are terribly sorry and hope everyone will forgive you because your readers are all AWESOME PEOPLE.

As an apology and to not leave your peeps completely out to dry you quickly type out a rather hilarious pesterlog you found on tumblr a couple of weeks ago:

stole your glasses!ectoBiologist joined chat  
gallowsCalibrator joined chat  
EB: heh.  
GC: JOHN G1V3 M3 MY GL4SS3S  
EB: Im sorry what glasses?  
GC: YOU STOL3 TH3M  
GC: 1 SM3LL TH3M ON YOU  
EB: Oh yeah?  
EB: Maybe I just wear red glasses now.  
GC: :|  
GC: THOS3 4R3 M1N3  
GC: G1MM3  
EB: Why should I?  
GC: JOHN HUM4N  
GC: W3 BOTH KNOW TH3 SUP3R1OR H3R3  
EB: That may be so.  
EB: but I have an advantage   
GC: WH4T?  
EB: *throws down a red smoke flare*  
EB: *red smoke is now everywhere*  
EB: I can see!  
GC: *4ND SUDD3NLY SH3 W4S G1V1NG TH3 D33R 1N TH3 H34DL1GHTS LOOK*  
EB: hahahahaha!  
EB: HAHAHAHAHA!  
EB: you are now powerless  
GC: TH3 CH3RRY 1S 3V3RYWH3R3!  
EB: Your shades are mine forever!

 

SORRY,  
I PWOMISE NWEXT WEEK WILL BWE A SWUPERDWUPER AWESOME CHWAPTER  
Halest0rm3


	8. I wasn't as8ing!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with a secret waterall, two kisses, mind control, and a last stand

_“Nepeta pounces on Tavros and knocks him to the floor with her mighty paws”_

_“Ta-tavros laughs and says hi to the furrious mighty pouncelor”_

_“Why do mew text with a stutter? Just curious”_

_“I-i don't really know... Its ju-just who I am I gu-guess”_

_“Well Nepeta thinks its cute”_

_“We-well Tavros thinks Nepeta is cute”_

_“Awwww <333”_

_“ <3”_

It's been only a couple of days since you met Tavros and you have already decided that he is the most purrfect, adorable, cutest guy a girl could efur ask for. He gave you his number before going back home and since then you two have been texting nonstop making your sister Meulin tease you about your new secret boyfriend. 

_“Hey are mew doing anything today?”_

_“N-not really, why?”_

_“Well I thought purrhaps mew would want to maybe, mew know... hang out with me?”_

_“Ta-tavros would looove to hang out with Nep but unfortunately his parents aren't home so he isn't allowed to have anyone over or leave the house”_

_“Oh... :(“_

_“W-we can still text, o-or talk on the phone...”_

_“Yea, Nepeta thinks that sounds like fun”_

_“O-or... do y-you by any chance Flarp?”_

_“YEA!! I LOVE FLARPING!!! I mean, Nepeta loves Flarpurring :33”_

_“W-well then does Nepeta maybe, possibly want to flarp with me?”_

_“*Nepeta jumps up in excitement and gives the loudest purr EFUR!!!*”_

*****

AC'S Rogue of Heart[level 67] has logged on the Flarp Server  
AT'S Page of Breath[level 51] has logged on the Flarp Server

AC: :33 Hi Tavros!!!!  
AT: H-hey Nepeta  
AC: :33 Soo what do mew want to do??  
AC: :33 We could do a dungeon together,   
AT: I a-actually wanted to show you one of my favorite places here  
AT: I-if thats okay with you of course?  
AC: :33 Sounds purrsitively delightfurl!!!!   
AT: Gr-great!!  
AT: Follow me, its through here.

*****

AC: :33 Wow   
AC: :33 Its beautiful!!!!   
AT: Don't you mean beautifurl??   
AT: A-anyway thats still not the best part   
AT: Follow m-me

 

At first you had no idea where he was taking you. He passed through endless rooms and teleporters with the ease of habit and you had long since stopped trying to make any sense of where you were at all. There were a couple of monsters and Flarpers that had shown interest in the two of you but he had just kept dragging you along without paying attention to them and that was how you two had gotten to where you were. 

It was paradise. Simply paradise. The rock walls and jagged crevasses had given way to moist soil and bushy plants. Flowers painted the room in a swath of colors and smells. Little tiny cockatiels and hummingbirds flew from one fragrant nectar-filled flower to another, one of them almost getting caught in your hair but veering up at the last second. 

In the thick of the trees and flowers there is a single glistening waterfall. Water cascades down rocks into a small shallow pool. A warm tropical breeze ruffles your hair and intoxicates you with a coconuty smell. How is there a breeze in a cave? Then again how is there a mini paradise, or a waterfall, or an astounding number of songbirds, or even a cute guy next to you? It all seems like a dream, the type that you never want to wake up from. 

You follow him up next to the waterfall, close enough that the water splashing down on the rocks bounces up and sprays you in a thin pleasantly cold mist. He places one foot in the pool and starts to walk into the fierce downpour and you grab his hand to stop him. You have to shout to get him to hear you over the din of the waterfall. 

AC: :33 WHAT ARE MEW DOING?   
AT: Tr-trust me   
AT: I've done this before   
AT: The water isn't as strong as it looks   
AC: :33 …   
AC: :33 Fine!! I trust mew   
AC: :33 But I swear to god if we both die because we walked straight into a waterfurl then mew owe me BIG TIME   
AT: De-deal

He walks into the waterfall and you watch with an altogether not appeased sense of fear as he disappears from sight 

AC: :33 TAVROS!!   
AT: I-Im here   
AT: Be-behind the waterfall

He is CRAZY, you decide as you step closer and closer to the roaring downpour. That water looks really cold... and painful.

Oh well you are sure as hell not going to back out now. You take a deep breath and close your eyes before taking a couple hasty steps forward. 

The water is surprisingly comfortable, the pressure no stronger than that of a shower hose. Your clothes stick to your form as they get instantly wet and you feel your hair fall down on your forehead in damp clumps. A hand grabs yours and pulls you forward, startling you almost as much as the sight that greets you when you open your eyes. 

Its a cave behind the waterfall, a cave like the thousand other caves in the Flarp world, right? WRONG. For starters, its bright as day and you don't realize why until you notice the grass on the ground. The grass covers the whole floor like a soft carpet and its luminescence lends a dim yellow glow to the whole room. For another thing there are about a hundred butterflies flitting around in a space barely big enough for half a dozen people, less than 5 feet in each direction. The butterflies land in you hair, on your shoulders, wings brushing against your face making you sneeze involuntarily and the myriad of colors swimming in front of you as a swath of nature's beauty. 

AC: :33 tavros...   
AT: D-do you l-like it?   
AC: :33 Like it?????   
AC: :33 I LOVE IT!!!!   
AT: re-really?   
AC: :33 Mew have NO idea :33   
AC: :33 How did you even find this place???   
AC: :33 It's amazing!!!   
AT: U-umm it was actually a bird I g-gave some food to t-that told me about it   
AT: Ap-apparently it was supposed t-to be a part of a quest but the qu-quest got deleted in the latest patch.    
AC: :33 OHMYGOD this butterfly has a heart on its wings :3333   
AT: M-my favorite is th-this butterfly   
AT: It-its transparent   
AC: :33 MEEP :3333   
AC: :33 Tavros thank you!!   
AC: :33 I nefur imagined a place like this could even exist

You look at him and see a little blush on his face as he looks back at you with a nervous smile. There's a warmth inside you that has nothing to do with the temperature and your gaze falls to his chest as you wonder what it would be like to cuddle up with him and watch a movie together listening to his heartbeat. 

You do the next best thing. You pounce-tackle him in your sudden exuberant joy as your arms reach around him and you smell his scent as you hug him and pull him closer toward you until the air between the two of you disappears and you can honestly say this feels perfect. His body is warm, warmer than you, and after a moment of hesitation his hands close around you and enveloped you in a cocoon of happiness, coaxing out involuntary shudders with every movement of his fingers against your back. The two of you fall to the floor and you realize there's something even more beautiful than the paradise right in front of you. 

AC: :33 Silly Kitten you have a butterfly in your hair

You use your finger to gently pry away a small light green moth from the top of his head and for some reason you can't stop smiling, stop smiling he's going to think you're crazy, oh who cares you are crazy and damn it you feel like you can reach up and pluck the stars out of their place tonight. Tonight you are invincible. 

AT: Yo-you do too s-silly

His hand brushes through your hair and you see rather than feel a violet monarch fly off you and rejoin its brethren in the air. His hand doesn't leave your hair though and you feel something in your chest move as his fingers trail through your hair and down to your cheek, each digit of his hand leaving a trail of tingles on you. Your next words are purely emotional, your brain checked out at around the time his fingers started making you feel oh so wonderful and you don't need a brain to know how you feel and what you want right now,

AC: :33 Nepeta would like to kiss Tav now   
AT: Ta-tav...   
AT: Tav would like that

The next thing you know your hand is on his waist and you are tilting your head and leaning in towards his lips. His hand on your cheek is still oh so gentle and as you see his hazel eyes get closer you start to think that if you ever buy a pool then you are going to make sure the water is hazel colored somewhere because right now you are drowning in his eyes and it feels purrfect. 

Your hands have become alien things. You don't know where to put them, or what they usually do, or how they're supposed to feel, like this is the first time you've ever had hands and maybe they belong to you and maybe they don't. His hands know what they're doing though. The one on your cheek slowly caressing its way to the back of your neck and now its bringing you closer and closer and you can feel each finger send electric shocks through your skin making you feel alive for the first time ever. His other hand left its lingering touch all the way up your leg like a series of invisible hickeys and as it grasps your thigh in a oh so subtle hold you feel a shiver run through your whole body all the way up to your lips that are oh so close to his, close enough that you can catch his warm breath with yours. 

He holds back from the kiss, perhaps savoring the moment, perhaps simply nervous, but he holds back for a little too long and before you realize what you're doing you move forward and gently press your lips against his, letting them bend against the contours of his to make a perfect fit, feeling his lips tighten in surprise before melting back into you. 

Meulin, your sister, gave you tips for how to kiss. She had told you where to put your hands, how to deal with a tounger or a slobberer, how to use your tongue to bring any man to his knees. Long story short you forgot everything she told you, Tavros's scent enveloping you in an intoxicating bliss. 

He is very shy with his movements, his tongue shying away from yours and his lips choosing to respond to your movements rather than take control. Its somewhat adorable to be honest and you can't say that you aren't enjoying being in control. You let your tongue tease his with a fleeting touch and he rewards you with a throaty moan. 

You remember one thing Meulin told you after your throat clenches reflexively in need of air. “Remember sis to breathe from your nose. It might seem romantic for both of you to breakaway from the kiss and gasp for air but its actually kind of pathetic so don't forget to breathe!!” With the rush of air to your lungs you can relax and relax you do, letting your lips break from his by a centimeter or two before joining again. Each time you pull back his body leans forward a little and everytime you lean back in again you feel him melt. The pauses in between kisses make everything seem more real, every inch of your body from your legs to your arms focused in towards that one place where the two of you fit perfectly. 

He breaks away this time surprising you. Your body groans involuntarily in complaint and you fervently hope he didn't hear that. You wait for him to lean back in and give you what you need but he stays back away from you and when he whispers to you his voice is uncertain. 

AT: Ne, Ne-nepeta?   
AT: Do-does this me-mean we're umm..   
AC: :33 We're what?   
AT: You, y-you know...   
AT: umm to-together?

You lean forward and kiss him with a hitherto absent passion. Gentle sensual kissing is all well and good but right now you forgo technique for energy and though your teeth almost knock together he rewards your effort with a small adventurous bite on your lower lip. You pull away and smile when you see all traces of his nervousness gone in lieu of a beautiful grin. 

AC: :33 Does that answer mew question?  
*****

CC: Whale...   
CC: I bereef this is it eh best frond?   
AG: Meenah, this is all completely your fault. I told you don't go in that dungeon you're not a high enough level yet and what do you do you go in that dungeon I mean when do you ever listen to me, you know you can be really insuff...   
CC: Aranea girl stop clam-ering so much. Yea you were right but sometimes a gills gotta do shit for the halibut   
AG: That's exactly my point. You're always so impulsive and its what I love about you 8ut   
CC: Hell yea!!   
AG: No its most definitely not any sort of hell yea or indeed any sort of yea, 8ecause your impulsiveness is a8out to make us lose our flarpvaters, I mean judging from the timing of the previous attacks I can only assume that he's going to attack sometime in the next couple of minutes and I don't recognize him from the monster manual 8ut its safe to assume that he's stronger than 8oth of us com8ined.   
CC: Speak for yourshell I got this shit clam-med up tight. That beach is gonna regret messing with Meenah Peixes.   
AG: Meenah he snapped your trident with a single 8ite   
CC: Pshh I can krill him with my bare fins

Your name is ARANEA and you really hate your best friend sometimes. Okay thats really not true... no matter how stubborn, pigheaded, idiotic, impulsive, destructive, rude, selfish, (insert deprecatory adjective here), Meenah can be she is still your best friend and as such the most negative feeling you could ever muster toward her would be a mild annoyance. 

Which doesn't change the fact that she lead the two of you into a death trap. You HAD TOLD HER to avoid this dungeon. It was labeled as a level 7 dungeon, the second highest level possible and the two of you were nowhere near strong enough to pass it. But of course she heard the word danger and that decided it for her. And of course you couldn't let her go alone so what else were you going to do but accompany her, albeit begrudingly? 

They had actually gotten farther than you had expected. The fire wyverns in the first room had posed almost no problem and the ice wraiths had been only slightly more difficult to “krill” as she would say. What Meenah's tridents lack in maneuverability they made up for in range and strength, not to mention her sheer spunk and nerve made her one of the most formidable fighters you had ever seen. You wish you could be like that, daring and reckless as the sea, but it seems you were doomed to be the cautious one, the one who always had to keep her out of trouble. 

And that was when they met the black demon dog. It was somewhat funny, albeit in a morbid and ironic way. If they had faced him in one of the earlier rooms then they probably could have just retreated and gotten out of the dungeon, safe and sound. As it was their retreat from his attacks had been cut short when one of the rock arches collapsed sealing off the exit to the dungeon and leaving them trapped to the intermittent and devastating attacks of the demon dog. 

What most worried you about him was that you had NEVER seen him before. You had read all four editions of the Flarp Monster Guide(and even an unpublished fifth edition manuscript that a friend had managed to get for you). You knew the names, the habitats, the appearance, and the stats of EVERY monster in the Flarp server, NO EXCEPTIONS. 

Except this one. A grotesque four meter tall mess of black scales, bloody cracked carapace, and jagged wings. Its beady yellow eyes looked impossibly small on its deformed dog face. Scars on its face oozed black blood instead of red. When it smiled, a cruel grimace of madness and evil, you could see each of its razor sharp canines, so drenched in the blood of its foes that they looked completely red without even a glimpse of white to be seen. The jagged wings that sprouted from its back were so riddled with holes and scars that you were frankly surprised it could fly at all. 

Its voice, if it could be called a voice at all, was probably the worst part. Half growl half human voice, echoing over and over in your head, getting louder louder louder, get the voice out of your head why is it in your head his mouth isn't even moving!!!

He attacked 7 times so far, each attack more devastating than the last. On the 4rth attack he had snapped Meenah's trident. On the 5th attack you had run out of Mana which rendered your magickind specibus useless forcing you to switch to your secondary strife specibus, pistolkind. On the 6th you narrowly avoided death when one of his claws missed your heart and instead gashed open your left arm. Some healing magic had staunched the bleeding but the scar still sent shooting pains up your arm whenever you moved forcing you to shoot lefthanded. 

A low growl trembles throughout the cave, resonating through the stone and into your very body bringing out a sense of primal fear in you that you know is completely illogical yet can't rid yourself of. 

CC: Dog beach is back for more    
CC: Lets show him what happens to fishes that mess with Meenah Peixes

She lifts up the two broken pieces of her trident one in each hand like nunchucks and flicks her braid back out of her face. You check the barrel of your pistol for the 8th time and keep your senses aware for any movement. 

A flicker of black and your cry comes too late as the demon swings a wicked serrated black blade towards Meenah's exposed back. Luckily her reflexes are sharper than yours and one half of the trident blocks the path of the sword while the other swings downwards onto the demons head. He looks up and bites down on the golden weapon as it comes closer and with an inhuman growl tears it from Meenah's grasp and sends it flying across the room. His blood stained canines turn towards Meenah's exposed neck, her trident still busy blocking the sword from gutting her like a fish. He moves to lunge but recoils back as a bullet lodges in his left cheek gushing forth a fountain of black blood. You shoot twice more in rapid succession and the first shot clips one of his wings prompting a screech of deadly pain. The second shot veers left and your gun is wrenched from your grasp when he gashes you with one of his claws, a rush of endorphins masking the pain of blood gushing from a wound that he opened on your left hand. He raises the sword to drive down into your chest and you have no strength to stop him. His claw is pushing you down into the ground and you can't even breathe as you finally accept your death at the hand of this psycho dog. You close your eyes as the sword swings downward and hold your breath for until you hear a familiar cry and you feel the weight lift off your chest. 

CC: forgot me stupid dog beach   
CC: NOBODY and I mean glubbin NOBODY messes with my best frond!   
CC: Got it??

You gasp for air as your vision slowly comes back from a swimming haze of blurry spots to actually being able to see. Meenah is holding her own against the unnatural speed and strength of the monster. She uses her half trident to catch his downward strike and twists it to send his sword flying away. Stupid, stupid! Meenah should have just deflected it. That was a dangerous move, one that could have easily gone awry and left Meenah with half a body. Still Meenah lives on risks and this one worked out in her favor. Now she's armed with half a trident and all he has is his claws and teeth(as if that wasn't enough). 

You push yourself up to your knees ignoring the screams of protests from your limbs and muscles. You manage to get up on your knees but when you reach for your gun your hand spasms and the clotted scar breaks open again staining your arm once again with fresh blood. Looks like you aren't going to be picking up a gun anytime soon... but Meenah needs your help, she needs your help, you need to get up Aranea okay? You need to GET UP.

You get up ignoring the spots flashing in front of your eyes threatening you with unconsciousness and sweet blissful sleep. You switch back to your magickind strife specibus and reach out with your mind experimentally, tracing the lines of magic to their source. The connection is weak and with what mana you have left casting even the simplest spell would require intense concentration far beyond what you can muster right now. Mana isn't necessary for spelltasking necessarily, but right now you doubt you could lift a teapot without the help of more mana, let alone help Meenah in her fight against dog demon. 

You don't even feel your eyes close again and you slump against the wall in a state of half consciousness until Meenah crashes against the wall next to you with a sharp crack, the sound of her back smashing into the hard stone shaking you out of your weakness. She lets out a gasp of pain and that's when you decide that the demon has to go. Nobody hurts your Meenah. 

You don't even feel the pain that racks your body as you cast a spell without the help of mana or incantation. Its instinctual. Your partners hurt so you do everything you can to save them. No matter what the cost. The blue lines of spellcasting emanate from your body and shoot out as ribbons of light, tying the ankles and arms of the demon together and binding him to the opposite wall with the fury of an eldritch god. He isn't happy and his aura pulses with fury but even a hell spawned demon such as him can't break through the eldritch ribbons in an instant. Its the most powerful magical binding available to spellcasters, albeit one that comes with a price. 

AG: Meenah?  
AG: You okay?  
CC: Yea... eeling reelly glubbing whale   
CC: Hey couldn't ya have done that sweet move before the beach knocked me against the wall?

You shake your head, not trusting your voice to conceal the pain that the spell is inflicting on you. 

AG: Meenah...   
AG: You have to go   
CC: Yea lets blow this popsicle stand 

She holds out her hand for you to take but you shake your head with a tear in your eye.

AG: Meenah, you have to go alone...   
AG: I can't move from here, not until the spell is 8roken    
CC: So break it!!   
CC: I ain't leaving ya Aranea

Your concentration slips a little as you look up at her and realize that she's worried for you. Meenah, who's never worried or scared about anybody, is worried about you. As your concentration slips you feel the magical bonds loosen just a little. The demon barks loudly before roaring with a fury that means that despite your lapse in concentration he still can't free himself... yet anyway. 

AG: I said GO Meenah   
AG: I order you to leave me 8ehind and get yourself to safety.    
CC: Cullshit!! We stick together and thats final.   
AG: Meenah, I wasn't asking

You brain feels like its splitting in two as you attempt yet another spell all while keeping the demon trapped and your sanity intact. For a second you lose it, the bonds wither and begin to fade but you desperately tighten them again into existence and as you slump against the wall fighting unconsciousness and madness you finally work your second spell, one specific to your aspect that permits you to command the will of another as if it was your own. 

CC: Aranea, don't you glubbing dare!!!

Her mind fights against yours. She has a strong will and whats more she knows what you're trying to do and is doing everything she can to stop you. Normally this power is more effective if you implant subtle suggestions into the victims mind and make them think they had the idea instead of having it implanted into your head. But the time for subtlety is gone. There's no time and if Meenah doesn't leave soon then she won't leave at all. 

CC: It won't work Aranea   
CC: I won't let you!!

She resists your advances and in your desperation you come up with a plan that might actually work. She's curled up on the ground holding her head forcing you out. You drag yourself over the ground ignoring the pain and the cuts that reopen on the concrete to spill even more of your candy red blood. 

You reach her and pushing her hands away from her temples you jam your cracked bloody lips against hers. As your tongue forces its way into her mouth and caresses hers you feel her mental defenses waver and you almost gain entry. 

She tries to pull away from you recognizing what you're trying to do but you're not going to let her get away until your spell takes effect. You bite her lower lip hard enough to draw blood while your hand grabs her braids and roughly holds her head in place. She moans and you break the kiss to move your mouth down to her neck and not so gently break the skin on her neck with a bite. She gasps and bucks against you instinctively as you lap up the blood that comes out and with a second juicy bite you finally break her defenses and your mind invades hers. 

AG: Sorry Meenah   
AG: Please forgive me...

As you force her to flee from the cave you let hot salty tears drip freely down your cheeks and mingle with the pool of dirty blood on the ground. When the demon finally rips its bindings to shreds and lifts its sword to cleave you into two you close your eyes tightly. All you see behind your closed eyelids is the look of betrayal she wore when you broke the promise you had made her a long time ago. 

AG: I love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggestions Used-  
> Kateinator- All theDancestors... All of them(2/12 so far Just a quick warning a lot of them are probs gonna die cuz otherwise its WAY too many characters to keep track off xDD)  
> Fanfic Rec of the week- Jezebel by thelastinvisiblegirl (this fic made me cry, it is seriously SAD )


	9. John Stop Being Such A Hug Slut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with a desert standoff scene, a john/vris makeout scene on top of the clouds(since apparently some of y'all have an obsession with seeing them swap spit), two team betrayals, several knockouts, two hellspawned creatures, psionic explosions, two air dives without parachutes, three unexpected surprises, and one lovestruck sacrifice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah sorry about being two days late I was at college orientation aka not with my laptop aka suffering from laptop withdrawal and internet withdrawal and my ohone died so I couldn't even check tumblr but I did meet some cool people and found a door that led up to the roof so I took selfies on the rof with the chicago skyline behind me and it was AWESOME at least until we got yelled at by a counselor. 
> 
> ANYHOO so yea this is MY LONGEST CHAPTER EVAAAAAA!!!!!!  
> ALMOST 9000 WORDS LIKE ITS A FRIEKIN MIRACLE

ectoBiologist opens TeamSwagChatRoom  
EB: Hey guys so today is the big battle between us and Team Scourge. We agreed on Wednesday at noon which is during lunch so everybody needs to meet in the computer lab and depending on how long the battle takes we may have to skip 5th period which I'm sorry about but this is really important. If we can beat them then we prove once and for all that we're the better team.  
EB: So yea meet at 11:45 in the computer lab(building 2 if you've never been there) and lets show them what Team Swag can do  
EB: Dave anything im forgetting?  
TG: Naah I think you got it all  
TG: See y'all at 12  
CG: WAIT ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS STRIDER?  
CG: NO METAPHOR, NO RANT, NO STRIDER BULLSHIT TO MELT OUR BRAINS INTO TINY LITTLE PUDDLES OF RADIOACTIVE GOO?  
TG: Its called being on time to 2nd period. You should try it sometime  
TG: I mean I could be like a gay freshman all walking around the halls with my phone in front of my face, giant backpack full of heavy ass textbooks, shoe laces untied, the whole metaphorical 9 yards but you're not even worth the effort so see ya around  
turntechGodhead left the chatroom  
EB: Karkat!!  
EB: You made Dave leave :(  
CG: AND IM SUPPOSED TO GIVE A FUCK... WHY EXACTLY?  
EB: Oh well I was just about done so might as well close this chat  
EB: OH WAIT  
EB: No don't go!!! There's one thing I forgot to tell you.  
EB: Eridan, also known as Dualscar, left Team Scourge to join our team.   
TG: He's also known as Fish Dude by a lot of people  
TG: Im talking like a LOT of people!!!  
TG: Like over one  
CG: WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU LEAVING STRIDER??  
CG: THAT WAS LIKE THE BEST FUCKING 2 MINUTES OF MY LIFE  
TA: 2hut the fuck up kk  
TA: are you theriiously telliing me you let that fucktard on our team?  
TA: oh god ju2t kiill me now    
TA: kk let me borrow your 2iickle   
TA: ii need thoomething 2harp to drive iinto my brain   
CG: DONT BE SUCH AN OVERDRAMATIC POMPOUS EMOTION DREGGED SHITWAGON OF SELF-HATE AND PATHETIC DESPAIR  
CG: THERE IS EXACTLY ONE THING I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT RIGHT NOW AND THAT IS SHOWING THOSE EGOTISTICAL SONS OF BITCHES JUST HOW FUCKING PATHETIC THEY REALLY ARE   
CG: SO WERE USING FUCKING FISH DUDE WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT  
CG: AND TRUST ME I REALLY DON'T FUCKING LIKE IT  
EB: Great now that we got that settled iim closing this chat  
EB: See all of you at 12:00!!  
AT: u-UMM I ACTUALLY DO H-HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY,,, i-IF THATS OKAY OF C-COURSE,,,  
AT: s-SEE THE TH-THING IS I KIND OF UMM  
EB: What Tavros? What is it?  
AT: i-I MIGHT H-HAVE MAYBE, KIND OF, P-PERHAPS,,,   
CG: SPIT IT OUT TAVROS WE DONT HAVE ALL FUCKING DAY  
AT: Fine!!  
AT: i-I KIND OF SW-SWITCHED TO THE OTHER TEAM  
AT: wHICH KIND OF MEANS,,, i-IM NOT GOING TO YOU KNOW  
AT: BE ON YOUR SIDE   
AT: i-IN THE FIGHT  
CG: WHAT???  
TG: Woah Tavdude you're leaving us out to dry??  
TG: What are we like your one night stand team? You buy us a drink, stick with us for the night, show us your inner dragon taming powers, and then just leave in the morning before we wake up? Did you at least leave a note, did you even care?  
TG: I thought we had something special... what about that moment we shared in the dungeon  
TG: Tavros be honest with me, was there another team?  
EB: Dave lay off the dude not everyone can handle your ironic rants  
EB: No but seriously Tavros why did you switch to their team?  
AT: w-WELL I,,, IM DATIN NEPETA :)  
TG: Dude  
TG: Bros before hoes man  
AT: s-SORRY...  
AT: i-I R-REALLY AM, YOU KNOW, S-SORRY  
AT: a-AND I RE-REALLY LIKED THIS TEAM AND EVERYBODY ON IT  
adiosToreador logged out of the chatroom  
TA: well shiit  
TG: Yea  
TG: “well shit” pretty much covers the situation. 

 

AdiosToreador joins chat T34M Scoooooooour8e  
AT: h-hey ev-everyone  
AC: TAAAVVVRROOOSSS!!!  
AC: Hey efuryone this is my new boyfurriend!!  
AC: We met last week and   
AG: Yea whatever  
AG: Can he fight?  
AC: Whiskers!!   
AG: Whaaaaaaaat????????  
GC: H3 H4S 4 P3T DR4GON   
GC: 4ND 1F H3 C4NT F1GHT W3LL W3LL JUST ST1CK H1M 1N TH3 M1DDL3 OF 3V3RYTH1NG 4S 4 D1STR4CT1ON  
AC: AC is not happy with her teammates right now   
GC: N3P3TA W3R3 JUST M3SS1NG W1TH H1M >:]  
AG: Yea we wouldn't reeeaaally put our newest team8te in danger(at least not on the first d8y) ::::)  
AG: So where's our other two team8tes?  
AA: 0h im here  
AA: I was just busy finishing up s0me h0mew0rk  
AA: Nice to meet y0u Tavr0s!  
AT: n-NICE TO M-MEET YOU TOO  
AG: Ok8y thats Aradia now where's Eridan? I swear to god if he fl8kes out on us then im going to take that stupid c8pe of his and...  
AT: u-UMM I THINK I MIGHT KNOW WHERE HE IS

*****

 

Your name is JOHN EGBERT and you are having a LEGIT WESTERN DUEL STANDOFF EPIC MOVIE MOMENT with Vriska. The two teams are in Ferlin Dungeons which is basically a giant desert full of man-eating cactus's and flying potato spud monsters. You stand in front of your team, your hammer in your hand, your eyes fixed on your adversary. She's holding her dice loosely in her grip and her team stands behind her all holding their weapons. She changed her outfit, switching from colorful with a predominent blue trend to a very intimidating black getup. What looks like dragonscale boots reflect the glare of the sun directly into your eyes. A black trenchcoat reminds you of Kate Beckinsale as Badass Vampire Selene in the movie Underworld and you have to admit the effect is somewhat... breathtaking. 

No but SERIOUSLY this is REALLY COOL!! Like this is a legit epic western movie scene. Now all you need to say is “There's only room for one of us in this town” and draw out your pistol(if you had one). Oh and its missing the stray gust of wind that shows off the movie protagonists awesome hair. Well that’s one thing you can take care off. You flex one of your fingers imperceptibly and a dry gust of wind rolls down the middle of the standoff raising a thick cloud of dust and breaking the silent monotony of the scene. PERFECT!!!

Now if only there was... come on there has to be. You send a couple gusts out to search the area and come on its a desert there has to be, YES, YOU FOUND TUMBLEWEED. MOVE OVER SPIELBERG CUZ YOU ARE BOUT TO GO ALL DIRECTOR ON EVERYONE'S ASSES. 

A thick large mass of tumbleweed bounces up and down on the sand, constantly pushed onward by the breeze and you force yourself to keep a straight face as it rolls between the two groups before finally slowing to a stop.

A private message from Dave pops up on your glasses(reading messages from your flarpglasses is annoying as hell but a flarphelmet or flarpvisor didn't really fit into the whole western scene).

TG: …   
TG: You didn't!!!   
TG: Okay I have to admit that was pretty awesome   
TG: I would give you a fist bump for irony but we're kind of in the middle of something. 

You study your rival(all while giving an intimidating glare of course) ignoring the little flutter in your stomach when you notice how her hair shines in the sun(flutter, what flutter?). She breaks the silence first and you unconsciously find your gaze settling on her (inviting, perfect, SHUT UP) lips noticing that her lipstick is a darker shade of blue of before. Not that you're complaining or anything, I mean you're okay with any color or lips, or you know her kissing you, or whatever, what are you even thinking about you’re letting yourself get distracted, god just focus on the conversation okay you're here for a fight. 

AG: Hey Dualscar   
AG: Fancy seeing you here

She ignored you!! Not cool, she's not even looking at you anymore this sucks! You mean, not that you care or anything, its just... well you had this awesome movie scene playing out and then she ruined it I mean that's why you're complaining not because of, well any other reason at all. Okay time to speak, you're the friendleader of this team after all!

EB: You got Tavros we got Eridan   
EB: Numbers are even so why don't we get on with it and see who the better team is?

She gives a cocky little laugh and tosses her dice up in the air only to catch them again in her fist. It might be your imagination or the angle of the sun but her hair seems to catch on fire, nope that’s not your imagination her hair totally caught on fire and its dark blue and its really awesome and wow you're getting distracted again you should really stop doing that. 

AG: You s8y it like it's even a question   
AG: The better team is the one with me in it 

With a flick of her wrist, faster than your eye can track, she pulls out a dagger out of thin air and with one fluid motion closes the space between the two of you to stick the cold metal against your neck. You freeze and you hear a gulp stopped halfway down your throat because if it continued any further than you have no doubt that the very sharp blade would draw blood from your Adam's apple. 

There's a sharp scrape of metal against scabbard as Dave pulls out his piece-of-shit-sword(no that's not an adjective you made up, it literally says “piece of shit sword” when he opens his sylladex) Its nice to know Dave has your back but right now you really don't need it. You're a Heir of Breath after all, one tiny dagger doesn't scare you. 

You turn your head to the side, as if to shirk away from the blade of the knife, and with a smirk she relaxes her grip just a little. A little's good. A little's really all you need. You bring your foot behind the back of her left calf and slam it forward causing her knees to buckle and her to fall backward. She tries to force the knife forward and keep it on your neck but the move caught her by surprise and as she flails wildly you kick at the blade of the knife and with a little help from your AWESOME WIND POWERS you send it flying from her grip and into the sand a couple feet away. 

As she falls on her back into the sand, she growls at you and without warning rolls quickly tangling your legs up in hers and twisting so they have no choice but to flail wildly and send your body crashing down to the ground. Your hammer falls to the side as you crash down and you leave it there. A hammer might be awesome in a fight against multiple people, or when you just feel like being all NORSE GOD and calling down lightning and shit on huge orks and giants, but in this agile mess of move or die it would simply slow you down. She forces herself on top of you, digging her knees into your legs to restrict your movement and holding your wrists into the burning sand with a strength incongruent to her supple form.

You ignore the fact there is a DROP DEAD GORGEAUS chick on top of you. Chick, what chick you don't see no chick al you see is an enemy that you have to beat. Just like any other foul orc that might wander around here. Not that you're saying she looks like an orc, I mean that’s just completely absurd, what kind of orc would have that kind of hair, or those long lashes that you are seeing YET AGAIN. How many times have you seen them so far, but seriously they're LONG and its like almost impossible NOT to look at them.

Okay she has you pinned down, no biggie. The sand is burning your back even through your Horksnout Tunic(+250 hitpoints). All you have to do is fly. Flying solves most problems actually, now that you think about it. 

You spin off a thousand mini wind devils between you and the sand, all propelling upward. She clenches instinctively at you as you both shoot up hundreds of feet into the air supported only by an invisible cushion of air that could pop at any moment. With the help of a couple stray wind devils you flip both of you upside down and suddenly you're the one pinning her, not the other way around. 

You look down at the ground and realize that nobody else is actually fighting, they're all just standing there looking up at you two. Typical.

“Can you believe our teammates? They're not even fighting”

She twists out of your grip and dives headfirst towards the ground before four iridescent blue wings sprout and she twirls in the air before lazily flapping them to climb back up to your height. 

“L8zy sons of bitches, guess you and me are the only two natural born fighters in the group eh?”

Wait was that a compliment to you? You're not sure...

“What's with the wings? I thought you only had two before”

“And who told you you could check out my wings!!!” Your face turns red before you catch a smirk on her lips and you realize she's just messing with you. “Two wings let me go faster, four give me more maneuverability. I managed six once but it looked god awful”

“Hmm interesting” While talking the two of you have begun to circle each other, like fencing partners moving in tandem, visually assessing the other persons defenses before striking. 

She makes the first move, as always. She leans towards the left and you mistakenly assume she's going to continue the circular motion demonstrated thus far so you move your right leg to move to the right but right as you're off balance she beats her wings once and launches herself towards faster than should be physically possible, her expression drunk with a wild unrestrained rage she chugs in large quantities while normal humans like you can only take small sips. 

She hits you with a mana thrust, a simple hand attack that shoots out a pentagram of raw energy to hurt whoever is in front. Wasteful, not at all elegant, and far too elementary, but it gets the job done and its quick. Her mana shoots out not in the form of a pentagram, but an octagon. Figures...

The jolt of mana through your system sends you reeling backwards and your body flips through the air in crazy unrestrained chaos until you finally get the wherewithal to concentrate and stop your motion. She's giving you a sassy smirk, time to pay her back. You craft several wind birds and whisper life into the ear. The name you whipser to them when you create them is the prey they will hunt until they die and you whisper Vriska's name to each and every one of them. 

She dodges the reckless dive of the first bird. Her dice go back into her belt since their isn't any place for them to land and she pulls out twin daggers, both a dark blue ebony 6-inch, one with a gold engraved handle, and the other with a silver engraved handle. 

The second bird dives towards her, razor sharp teeth solidifying to show a full set of fangs that shouldn't be possible in a bird. That's the only time that a wind bird is vulnerable, when they materialize to strike its prey. Otherwise they're just made out of wind. That's all the time Vriska needs though. She doesn't even try to dodge the bird and with two swipes, one with each dagger, the dismembered body of the bird plummets to the ground before slowly fading back into the wind from where it came. 

Two more get sliced up, and the third manages to draw blood on her neck and dig its claws into her chest before she leaned her head down and ripped it away with her teeth sending it flying back into the air before swiping downwards with her silver dagger and finishing the job her teeth started. 

She spits windbird blood out of her mouth and you see that its a light blue. The color of the wind of course and you don't need to look to know that the blood melted back into its brethren on the way down.

The fourth flies around in an erratic pattern for a couple of seconds before it divebombs the fifth. Its actions are erratic and confused, as if its not sure why it should be attacking its own kind, but even with the birds reluctance it eventually rips open the fifth bird's throat and rakes its claws against the sixth birds face before being killed with a bite to the chest.

The sixth is bloody and angry and aims straight for Vriskas face but she gestures and it shrivels to ash on its desperate journey toward its prey. The seventh and eighth spontaneously combust into little mushrooms(no seriously little mushrooms like the kind you buy at the supermarket, not even joking).   
She gives you a sly wink before spinning into the air and disappearing from view. An invisibility spell? You give her props, that's one of the hardest spells to use, especially in the middle of a battle, but she doesn't know that you can still see her. She occupies space in the air, and the air whispers to you exactly where she is. What is she doing? As far as you can tell she's just flying around in random patterns and OOF. 

The warning from your little wind friends comes too late and you feel her crash into you and her hands grip you tight as she dives headfirst towards the ground in an exhilarating blur of speed. The rush as you plummet hundreds of feet through the air at a breathtaking pace is SO much better than any rollercoaster because there is no roller coaster where besides falling you also spin sideways and upways and downways and diagonallways and basically whichever way exists, and also because there's no track and no seat and its just you holding on for dear life to this chick with wings who maybe knows how to stop without leaving a huge two person crater in the desert or maybe doesn't and in about 5 seconds you're going to be pancakes but its okay. 

Because this is fucking awesome. 

She pulls up about an inch away from the fround and you feel the sand rise up and hit your face as the two of you glide over the desert and suddenly whatever part of your brain is responsible for doing stupid crap is all like lets do that again because you shoot upwards again and somehow in that plummet to the death you and Vriska got your hands intertwined and you are sure as hell not going to let go. 

 

You go up even higher this time, until the people on the ground fade into dots and then into splotches of color, and then finally disappear from sight. Until the air becomes thin and you have to make air pockets so that you can get oxygen into your lungs and you finally just stop and tell the air to make a little patch of floor beneath the two of you and everything looks beautiful because the clouds are way beneath you and from here you can see the whole horizon, a vast line of blue extending as far as the eye can see, and you think, not for the first time, that whoever designed this Flarpverse was a goddamn genius. 

“So what now?” She asks and you look over at her to see her eyes lock with yours. 

“I don't know, keep fighting I guess” A look of almost... disappointment flashes across her face and you curse yourself inwardly. What was the right answer? What were you supposed to have said??

She turns away from you to look back at the horizon. “Its not bad up here... kind of pretty I guess”

“Pretty? Just look at it, its breathtaking!!! Its amazing, like I've never seen anything before because it feels like im at the top of the world and I've just figured out that at the top of the world there's actually a whole other world which means the top of our world is actually like the bottom of another world and isn't that amazing, like even if its not real doesn't it just make you stop and think and I don't know about you but...” You stop because she's looking at you with an expression you don't recognize. Amusement maybe... but warmer, kinder. 

“What're you looking at me like that for??” Maybe you have like food stuck in your teeth or windbird poop in your hair or something.

“Noooooooothing” she says “"You're just a little bit of a dork”

“Am not! You're the dork!!” You are painfully aware of just how much like an immature 6 year old you sounded like but much to your regret there is no undo button for conversations even in the Flarp world.

“Hey John, do me a favor and shut up” She gives a lazy flap of her wings and suddenly the space between the two of you is nonexistent and her chest is pressed against yours, her hands fitting in the grooves of yours perfectly like pieces of a puzzle. A Medusa's gaze is nothing compared to her sea blue eyes(you speak from experience unfortunately), and you are suddenly very aware of how close your lips are to hers and how warm her hand is against yours. 

“That trick only works once Vriska” You say before pulling away with more effort than you care to admit. 

“No tricks” She says with a sly smirk. “I just want to have a little fun before I kick your ass” She pulls out her daggers by the hilt and tosses them backwards. They both make a couple flips before coming to a halt and floating just out of reach of either of them.

“See, no tricks” Her “im innocent” face looks a lot like her “im going to kill you in a really awesome way” face and its against the advice of about 97% of your common sense when you intertwine your fingers back with hers and pull her closer to you. 

“One kiss and then we go back to killing each other, deal??”

“Deal” A wink, a smirk, and suddenly her lips are pressed against yours, and her legs curling around yours nails scratching seductively against your skin drawing lines of pleasure through your body, making you shudder and gasp. She guides your hands to the small of her back and leaves them there to slowly trace their way up your chest and behind your neck. 

Her feet come up from the ground to trap you in the beautiful jagged mess of limbs that is Vriska Serket and you realize that she is hanging on you, the hands on your neck and your hands enclosing her waist the only support she has against falling down. Her hair brushes along your face as she works her magic on you and she might as well be a witch because right now you're trapped in her spell. 

Her lips play a symphony of softness and gorgeous melody and if only you knew how to hear it but you can feel it and its making you feel very alive so that every second feels like an hour and suddenly the horizon doesn't seem quite as beautiful because her eyelash caught on yours and when she opened her eyes you saw a blue more precious than any sky or sea. 

Her tongue makes war on your territory, humiliating yours with its strength and dexterity and when you gather the nerve to launch a counterattack her teeth close in a soft warning bite and you take it to mean that she's taking control of this kiss. Not that you're complaining of course.

She breaks away, first her teeth suckling your bottom lip as her lips separate from yours, then she lets go and moves her head back and straightens it so that your noses are touching and your faces are perfectly lined up. 

“When I kiss you again hold on to me and don't let go no matter what, got it?” Its not a question, its a command and you find yourself nodding even as your brain reels in confusion and an ecstasy muddled state of arousal wanting only more of the drug that is her kiss. 

She obliges, roughly, violently, and the chaotic mess of lips and tongues is so intoxicating that you barely even notice the two of you tilting downward. The first clue is her wings brushing past your hands and enclosing you in a cocoon. You free one of your hands from her supple waist to caress her wing and are rewarded with an unearthly vibration through her whole body as she completely melts into you. She goes slack against you and you hear her moan. 

“d-do th-that again” Well you are a GENTLEMAN, and a gentleman never denies a lady's wishes. You use a single finger to brush a circle on her wing, feeling the tiny hairs on it curl around your finger even as her body shudders against you with an intensity you didn't think was even possible. She pulls her lips away and her arousal is evident in the way she bites her bottom lip and the wistful look in her eyes. 

Arousal mixes with playful vengeance and you half expect it when she bites your neck with just enough reticence to not draw blood and little more. That you expected it doesn't stop the waves of moremoremore arousal and pain that rack your body and make you forget where you are and what you're doing because all you want is for her to bite you again and maybe you'll bite her and that's what you're thinking when she pushes both of you over the cushion of air that you had made and sends you plummeting downwards trapped in a cocoon of wings with her so all you see is her and not the ground that is certainly rapidly approaching and not the clouds that you are leaving behind.

When you try to call the winds to slow your fall she digs her nails into your already sore neck and you take it to mean that Vriska, and Vriska alone will be responsible for the two of you not becoming a set of flat pancakes upon landing. 

She goes back to teasing your lips with hers, not quite kissing, and the exhilaration of falling makes every single touch and every single stroke feel so much more vivid and colorful. 

Her wings open and you gasp as the feeling of vertigo increases a thousandfold. Everything looks like a blur of blue and brown as you spin over and over and you fall faster and faster and you would probably throw up except you can't because your brain is still addled from her spell and you should probably be scared but you're not, you're busy kissing her with renewed enthusiasm and keeping your eyes open because you don't want to miss a second of this breathtaking plummet from the heavens.

 

She's crazy. She's fucking batshit crazy, but its okay because you never knew that being crazy could be this fucking awesome. You want to laugh and cry from joy and whoop but your lips are kind of busy suckling on her neck like a vampire and you must be doing something right from the way she tenses and the way her hands grip against you and the moans you shouldn't be able to hear over the deafening screech of wind but you do and wow you are both going to die when you crash but its so totally worth it. 

The people on the ground are no longer just dots, they're visible, and recognizable, and they're getting bigger. Any second now... any second now...

It comes as a shock when she extends her wings like a parachute trapping the air with a deafening whoosh and you almost get wrenched from her with the speed with which your fall is stopped. She laughs at your expression, and with her laugh still ringing in your ears, a laugh full of concentrated life, she kicks you away and uses your body as a launchpad to backflip elegantly onto the ground looking for all the world like Selene Kyle in The Dark Knight. 

You wish you could say you had an equally awesome landing, something like a slow descent with a mini tornado around you as you step carefully onto the ground, but the truth was that your landing was actually somewhat of a backflop onto hard sand and it HURT... A LOT. Every limb ached in protest as you picked yourself back up and you could have just ran a marathon judging from the soreness in every muscle of your body.

GC: H3Y JOHN >:]

The sight that greets your eyes is less than favorable for your team. Sollux is standing over an unconscious and bleeding Eridan, murder in his eyes as his hands crackle with psionic energy. Aradia is floating a couple of feet away, matching his psionic energy with her dark tendrils, littered bones showing the remains of her undead soldiers, and a wicked black crown stealing the light around her, a single patch of darkness in an otherwise burning desert. She has a wild look in her eyes, the look of someone who enjoys this far too much and as you watch one of her shadow dogs claws Sollux's face with two wicked gashes before dissipating back into the shadows. 

TA: FUCK    
TA: ii fuckiing hate these stupiid dogs

You turn and oh hey Karkat isn't doing any better. What a surprise...

CG: GOOD DRAGON   
CG: GOOD SHITSTAINED TAINTFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT DRAGON   
CG: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!!!!   
CG: OKAY I DIDN'T MEAN ANY OF THAT LILY    
CG: NO NEED TO SHOOT FIRE AT ME COME ON LETS BE FRIENDS   
CG: I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU TRY TO SHOOT FIRE AT ME ONE MORE TIME IM GOING TO TAKE THIS BROKEN PICE OF SHIT SICKLE AND STUFF IT SO HARD UP YOUR DRAGON SIZED ASSHOLE THAT YOUR BRAIN SPLITS IN TWO   
AC: Hehe   
AC: Silly Karkitty, Lily only listens to Tavros over here    
AC: Because Lily's a good dragon, aren't you lily, aren't you a good dragon?

Yep, Tavros and Nepeta are totally riding bareback on Lily. It's official, Lily is Saphira from Eragon and Tavros is like the last Dragon Rider in all of Algaesia(except for one old guy who hides with his dragon in the mountain because he's actualy disabled and can't use magic for shit anymore but asides from that he's totally BADASS and one evil king who has an insane loco dragon that's like 20 bagillion times as big as any other dragon in the story but whatever). The point is Tavros is officially a badass and Karkat is officially in some deep shit and you're talking like miles deep like even if shit were transparent then you still wouldn't see the bottom cuz the shit is just that deep. 

And Dave... where is he you don't see him where could it be oh god is that him what dd they do to him is he okay you swear to god if they killed him then you are going to rip every single one of them to pieces. 

EB: What the hell did you do to him?   
GC: 4WW 1SNT TH4T CUT3 YOUR3 WORR13D 4BOUT H1M

 

Your fists clench in rage and you get ready to let all hell loose because NO ONE and you mean NO ONE messes with your best bro. 

GC: DONT WORRY THO   
GC: R3M3MB3R WH4T W3 AGR33D ON?   
GC: ONLY NONL3TH4L D4M4G3   
GC: H3'LL W4K3 UP 1N 4 F3W HOURS W1TH 4 L3TH4L H34D4CH3

Oh okay that's not too bad. You guess you can forgive her. 

EB: How'd you beat him?    
GC: PSHHH H1S 4TT4CKS 4R3 W444Y TOO PR3D1CT4BL3   
GC: PLUS H3 L1T3R4LLY F1GHTS W1TH H4LF 4 SWORD   
GC: H3 D1D 4LMOST G3T M3 TOW4RDS TH3 3ND BUT 1TS GO1NG TO T4K3 4 L1TTL3 MOR3 TH4N TIM3 TRICKS TO B34T M3 >:]

Okay... looks like Team Swag is screwed. Screwed tighter than a screw that had an affair with a phillips head and spent the whole weekend away in Bermuda just getting himself tightened over and over and over again and wow you really need to lay off the metaphors you're sounding WAY too much like Dave right now.

You need a distraction. Actually you need more like a miracle but you'll settle for a distraction right now. Keep her talking that's what you need to do. Karkat is still doing his best to not get broiled, flamed, or squished by a 200 ton dragon and Sollux is still having a pyrotechnics war with Queen Death and you really want to help one of them but right now both Redglare(you mean Terezi whatever) and Vriska are paying attention to you right now and whatever you do you have to keep them from rejoining the fight at all costs. You gesture a hand towards Eridan's unconscious body. 

EB: And how'd you get him?   
GC: D34TH W4V3 FROM 4R4D14    
AG: Oh she finally managed it? She's been trying to get that attack for aaaaaaaages...   
GC: Y34 1T W4S PR3TTY FR13K1N 4W3SOM3   
GC: L1K3 1T GOT R34LLY COLD 4ND STUFF WH3N SH3 C4ST3D 1T 4ND YOU COULD H34R 4 WHOL3 BUNCH OF WH1SP3RS FROM TH3 D34D 4ND TH3 D4MN3D   
GC: SO Y34H FUN STUFF   
GC: 4ND 1T W4SNT 4CTU4LLY M34NT FOR 3R1D4N 1T W4S M34NT FOR FL4SHYL1GHTS OV3R TH3R3   
GC: 3R1D4N JUST D3C1D3D TO B3 4 H3RO 4ND PUSH FL4SHYDUD3 OUT OF TH3 W4Y   
GC: 1T W4S JUST SO 3MOT1ON4L JOHN   
GC: 1 T34R3D UP 4 L1TTL3   
AG: Sis you laughed when 8ambi's mother cried. I seriously doubt you cried just cuz Darkballs over there finally grew a pair   
EB: umm... okay   
EB: What about Karkat? Has he just been running around screaming his head off ike normal.   
GC: Y34 PR3TTY MUCH   
GC: TH4T GUY KNOWS L1K3 4 B4G1LL1ON W4YS TO US3 TH3 WORD FUCK 1N 4 S3NT3NC3   
GC: 1TS 4CTU4LLY PR3TTY CL3V3R   
GC: 1 DONT BL4M3 H1M THOUGH H3 1S UP 4G41NST 4 DR4GON   
GC: TH3 R34L QU3ST1ON 1S WH4T YOU 4ND VR1S OV3R H3R3 W3R3 O1NG UP 1N TH3 CLOUDS   
GC: 1 DONT S33 4 S1NGL3 SCR4TCH ON 31TH3R OF YOU   
GC: 3XC3PT FOR WH4T LOOK SUSP1C1OUSLY L1K3 B1T3M4RKS ON JOHNS N3CK   
GC: M1ND 3XPL41N1NG?   
EB: U-ummm...

Vriska saves you from having to come up with a lie and you breathe a sigh of relief. 

AG: You know me sis   
AG: Im a spider...   
AG: And spiders alwaaaaaaaays pl8y mind games with their prey 8efore they pounce.    
GC: L3TS HOP3 1T W4S JUST M1ND G4M3S 4ND NOT 4NY OTH3R TYP3 OF G4M3S   
GC: ST1LL 1 SUPPOS3 YOU COULD DO WORS3 TH4N JOHN OV3R H3R3   
GC: DO3SNT SM3LL B4D, H4S 4LL H1S L1MBS, C4N DO COOL W1NDY TH1NGS   
AG: Don't forget the 8uck teeth!   
AG: 8uck teeth automatically 8ump him up like 8 spots in the r8nkings

You're not sure if you should be offended or pleased that these two chicks are examining you like a cattle brought to market. You'll stick with confused and silent for now. 

GC: HOW'S H1S 4BS?   
AG: How should I know?!!!!!!!!   
GC: OH COME ON DON'T 3V3N PR3T3ND YOU W3R3N'T F33L1NG H1M UP UP TH3R3 1N TH3 CLOUDS   
AG: Ughh!   
AG: Well if I was... AND I WASN”T, then yea he has a decent set of abs ::::)   
GC: COMP4R3D TO 3QU1US?   
AG: Terezi that's like comparing a cupc8ke to an eight decker c8ke. I mean seriously, each of Equius' a8s has its own priv8te set of a8s!   
GC: TRU3 V3RY TRU3   
GC: W3LL VR1SK4 1 G1V3 YOU TH3 T3R3Z1 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR ST4MP OF 4PROV4L   
GC: YOU M4Y NOW 3NSN4R3 TH1S H4PL3SS SOUL 1N YOUR W3B

Woah woah woah woah! You might not have understood like ANY of that conversation but ensnare does not sound like a good word ESPECIALLY when it's being done to you, and ESPECIALLY when it involves webs. 

EB: Umm hey   
EB: Im right here!!   
AG: We know ::::)   
EB: ...    
EB: Anyyyway

Really any topic would have been better than the one that was taking place. Heck you would have taken a crack at talking about like makeup or some other girl stuff over this. Thankfully you don't have to because at that moment Aradia provides a much needed distraction. 

She whistles a shrill call and you watch the ground in front of her render open with a scream, the scream of a doorway opening that was never meant to be opened. Forth from the chasm flies a single falcon followed by a shadow horse. They are not true shadow creatures like the others that she has summoned, in that most shadow creatures have no actual intelligence and exist only to serve their master. No these two came from the realm of Hades and Aradia is simply borrowing their allegiance for the time being. 

As such they are not completely black. The falcon is a bright fiery red, the color of blood and destruction. Its pupils are jet black, an almost metallic color that gives it the effect of having no eyes. It has the tail of a phoenix rather than a hawk, longer and more elegant, but no phoenix would dare have a tail cut up so badly. That is the true form of the death hawk, its tail is always bleeding and scarred, dripping jet black ichor wherever it flies and a single drop of it landing on your skin melts the flesh from your bones over the course of days. 

It moves like death because it is Death, or at least a harbinger of that which we all fear, disappearing from sight sporadically before finally becoming visible at the last possible moment, before its claws rip out the throat of its latest victim. It perches on Aradia's shoulders and suffers a gentle stroke from her, emitting a particularly paralyzing croak of pleasure when she finishes(no seriously paralyzing, its cries immobilize most people who hear them). 

The horse of death, or Arion as he is called by some, is the size and shape of any other horse. That is where the similarities end. In reality it is very difficult to describe because its appearance is constantly changing. One minute it'll be entirely comprised of flames, the next of smoke, the next of bloodstained metallic, growing spines, horns, scales, tails, or extra heads at will. Right now it is in smoke form, with two jagged scales extending along each side of its body. Its hooves resonate with the cry of a wailing mother with each step and its neigh has the undertones of a thousand growling beasts and horrors in the background. One ear is missing, punishment from Hades himself for helping a particularly daring(or foolish) hero without his permission. At least so the legends say. 

It trots to where Aradia is and you have to resist the urge to shut your ears to avoid the unnatural sound it creates in a world that it doesn't belong to. She strokes its mane, ignoring the jealous peck from her falcon and after enduring a lick(which leaves behind dried blood on her cheek) she jumps on its back and straddles it bareback. 

She puts her stygian sword back in its holster and pulls out her whip. She cracks it once in the air, letting loose a boom of sound that startles everyone out of their stunned stupor and with a grin of satisfaction whispers a series of eldritch words in Arions ear. Who even knows Eldritch? Death Queens, that's who...

The horse whinnied and leaned back on its back hooves almost throwing Aradia off before breaking into a gallop towards Sollux. The falcon had flapped off her shoulder and now flew directly above her head spreading a canvas of darkness around her and Arion that made her Death Crown give off a metallic glow strong enough to blind. 

TA: shiit shiit shiit shiit shiit shiitshiit shiit shiit shiit

Sollux was running like a madman now, using his psionics to propel himself through the air with the speed of a bullet. You heard a sonic boom ring out as he broke the speed of sound and before you could even gather your head around the situation he was already miles away getting smaller and smaller as dust clouds popped up in his wake. 

Psionic barriers popped up by the dozen in front of the trio but nothing stopped Arion or Aradia. Oe crack of her whip, or one headbutt from him and the psionic barrier would come crashing down in shards of wasted energy. 

Arion was gaining on Sollux. Though Arion seemed to move at the pace of a regular horse if you didn't focus on his hooves and focused instead on the big picture you could see that he was bending the space around him to make himself go faster. 

Sollux had change directions back directly towards you, perhaps to confuse Aradia or perhaps because he wanted your help. If it was the second one then you would try to help but you honestly don't know how much help you're going to be against them. Especially with Vriska and Terezi standing right behind you. 

He focused and instead of leaving behind a wall of energy he left behind an explosion. Like legit blow up half a town explosion and you're not sure how he did it because you've never seen Sollux use that much energy before but you doubt even Arion can barrel through a chaos lke that unharmed and maybe they'll have to go around which will at least give Sollux a little bit of time to figure out what to do. 

He seems to be thinking along the same track as you because he slows down and turns around to observe his handiwork and seemingly satisfied with the results floats back down onto the ground and rejoins the world of the non-floating people. 

TA: get past that you stupiid horse

Annnnnd he jinxed it. Way to go Sollux. 

Almost on cue with his taunt a small dark shape, kind of like a horse with a person riding on it, appears on top of the explosion and that explosion is at least 50 feet high no way a horse can jump over it except Arion just did and as he lands perfectly on all four hooves you can distinctly hear the crack of Aradia's whip as the chase continues. 

TA: ii   
TA: fuckiing   
TA: hate   
TA: horses!!

Sollux shoots sparks of red and blue from his feet and he's launched upwards into the air. Perhaps he thinks he has more of a chance going upwards then running away on foot. Aradia has already closed the distance from the explosion to where he was standing and as she reins in Arion ignoring his whinny of complaint she moves her whip back and cracks it upward with the loudest bang yet. 

The length of the whip seems to grow in midair and though Sollux is by now at least 20 feet in the air the tip of the whip somehow latches onto his foot and pulls him back down to the ground with a thud and a displaced cloud of the dust from the spot where he landed. 

She dismounts and walks over to where he's sprawled on the ground, leaving the handle of her whip in her belt and pulling out her Stygian Sword. He shoots his trademark eye cannons at her ad almost manages to blow 2 holes in her face but her reflexes save her and the blasts trail into the atmosphere harmlessly. She places the sword against his neck and all the fight goes out of Sollux as his head falls limp against the sand. 

TA: you wiin   
TA: ii giive up    
AA: Pr0mise?   
TA: yea whatever    
AA: C00l!

She lets him back up and her smile is the smile of a girl who just got a ice cream cone, not the smile of a girl who just called on the dark forces to hunt down her enemy. She's pretty cool, Aradia, even if she is your enemy. 

AA: I was at like 2% health btw   
AA: You could have probably sissy punched me once and knocked me out.   
TA: ughh   
TA: figureth

He gets up and goes to where Eridan is still passed out leaving Aradia to dismiss her evil servants back to the hell where they cae from(literally). You hear a giggle and jump when you see Nepeta standing beside you looking hyper as ever.

EB: Geez Nepeta where'd you come from???   
AC: AC finished tying up Karkitty so she came to watch the show    
AC: And she found a new ship!!    
EB: Wait you tied up Karkit- uhh I mean Karkat?   
AC: Yea, he's over there

You look over to where she's pointing and see Tavros leaning on Lily looking at Nepeta with a look of.. happiness? Man you've never seen that look on Tavros before. It suits him though, and the dragon behind is pretty friekin awesome. Beats driving a Ferrari. 

Next to Tavros and Lily you see a writhing twitching mess of ropes that you can only assume is Karkat. You walk closer and hear muffled shouts of “grubfisting pailshitting dipwads” as well as various iterations of “fuck Tavros and his dragon”

AC: Sorry...   
AC: AC had to muffle him because his voice was scaring Lily   
EB: Karkat was scaring Lily?   
AC: Yea   
EB: Lily the 20 foot dragon?   
AC: Yea!   
EB: was scared by Karkat?   
AC: AC doesn't know why Johnkitty sounds so surprised...   
EB: No its okay I believe you

That actually made you laugh a little, even if it does mean you are officially the last able bodied member of Team Swag. And since they haven't lost a single person somehow you don't see this battle lasting much longer.

EB: So what now?    
AG: You could give up...   
AG: Or we could m8ke it worth your while ::::)

You could give up... I mean its not like there's any hope of winning and not getting pummeled sounds a lot better than getting pummeled. Its the sad truth that nonlethal damage still hurts just as much as lethal damage.

No. If Dave were in your place then he would pull out his piece of shit half sword and fight till the last ironic breath. And you sure as hell are not going to let him down, whether ironically or unironically. 

You extend your hand and your hammer comes unbidden to it with a whoosh of air. You close your hand around it and ruffle your hair with a stray breeze for good measure, just to show them that if they want a fight they're sure as hell going to get one. 

Terezi moves forward but Vriska places a hand on her shoulder and holds her back. 

AG: I'll t8ke him ::::)

And that would have been the beginning of a surely very short and very anticlimatic battle in which you got your butt whooped BUT right at that moment something happened. 

Well actually more like three things, but two of those things are related and the third was just a complete fluke of nature. 

First their materialized a lady in a suit right in the middle of your group. She looked a little like Pepper Potts in the first Iron Man movie except her hair was more blackish maybe a little more like Quorra in Tron or even Natalie Portmann in the Professional and Closer. 

Point was she was all dressed up and stuff, like only one type of person in the Flarpverse. 

FA: Hi   
FA: My name is Melissa and I am FlarpAdmin number 47.   
FA: We appreciate your feedback as valued Flarpers and are constantly trying to improve the quality of our service so to help us in that regard would you mind terribly if I asked y'all a couple a' quick questions   
FA: You would of course receive grist as compensation for your help.

The admin had a slight southern twang that came out when she talked. Vriska stepped up no doubt ready to go full on spiderbitch on the admin but before she could answer another person materialized in the desert. 

FA: oh hell

This person was definitely NOT an admin. First off he was a seadweller type creature(you used to be able to pick your race before a recent update took away that feature because of too many bugs) He dyed his hair bright purple but did a terrible job of it because you can see splatches of black everywhere. He has on a Save The Wyvern T-shirt and a pair of shorts along with a ragged pair of sandals. 

CR: Come on Melissa give me one more chance …   
FA: Cronus stop following me okay?!!!   
CR: Come oooonn, im a nice guy!

She pulls out a pinch of teleportation powder, and ignoring Cronus's supplications of love, tosses the dirt on the ground and disappears into thin air. 

Cronus gathers some of the leftover dust that wasn't used up from the ground and repeats the process disappearing from view. 

AA: W0w that was... s0mething

Yea that was definitely... something. 

So that was the first two things that happened. The third thing that happened is that right as the stunned silence was coming to a close and Vriska was turning back towards you with a murderous glint in her eyes you saw a message pop up on your screen. 

Power loss, disconnecting in one seconds

You barely finish reading the message before you’re back in the computer lab of building 2. 

“Man I can't believe Terezi got me” You look over at the voice and see your best bro alive and well. You give him an Egbert bear hug and he stiffens awkwardly saying something like   
“not cool” or “no homo” or something like that but you don't care because well he's your best bro and best bro's deserve hugs every once in a while... even if they say they don't want any. 

You hold on until you hear Sollux cough behind you and you turn to see him at his computer, next to Karkat and Eridan. You give them all a group hug and it doesn't matter that Karkat and Sollux are cussing you out because their your friends too. 

“Come on John stop being a hug slut, what would your parents think?”

You stick your tongue out at him but your witty retort gets pushed back for another time as you see a message pop up on your phone from Tavros. 

“h-hey we got dis-disconnected, i-im guessing y-you did too...”

“Yea, we're all here in building two”

“C-cool, Nep wan-wants to meet you a-all in real life so sh-she wants to kn-know if you w-want to skip the re-rest of fi-fifth and come ha-hang out with u-us in the caf-cafeteria?”

“Okay we'll be there soon!!”

You show the message to the rest of your team. 

“Wait soooo they all go to the same school as us?”

“Yea guess so, at least from what Tavros told me...”

“Hmm, weird”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggestions used-   
> All the dancestors - Kateinator(3/12)  
> Power disconnects and they find out they go to the same school- Fennekins   
> John/Vrisk makeouts- Fennekins. Nigeria Slaves, and like 8 other people xD  
> OH and a bunch of ppl wanted to go back to the main 8 or so ppl so HERE YA GO  
> SEE YA NEXT WEEK   
> AND I AM 99.2785pie64782 % certain that I will upload on time next week


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Groundbreaking realization!!!! I can only write after midnight!!!!  
> Me writing 2 pm: Umm so John like walks across the battlefield, and hes all sad and shit  
> Me writing 2 am: She's looking at him but not at him. Its hard to see her eyes clearly because of all the caked blood and scars on her face but they seem to be glazed as if she was leaving in a dream of her own... or a nightmare. She starts muttering, the quite voice of someone who has spent far too long talking to ghosts.  
> “Stop hurting him he hasn't done anything, ill tell you anything, everything I know I promise, he doesn't know and even if he did he can't say anything if you gag him just please don't hurt him any more hurt me please, come on listen to me im right here, do anything to me, please, please I know you can understand me, he's my moirail, please don't hurt him, please don't hurt him, pl-please don't hurt Equitty...”  
> Anyway hope you like!!!

GC: H3Y COOL K1D!!! M1SS M3?   
TG: Well if it ain't the psycho sisters and their little possey...   
TG: You know I was just talking to John bout how this school doesn't have enough crazy chicks, funny little world ain't it?

The five of them are sitting at a lunch table in Cafeteria B and y-... wait what? Who are you? Oh fucking hell no!!! Listen up this is getting fucking ridiculous like why the hell do you have to introduce yourself every single goddamn time you switch perspective like shouldn't it be fucking obvious. Think for like two seconds, which I know is asking a lot since you have the brainpower of a zombie hamster on weed but WE ALL FUCKING THINK DIFFERENTLY. Here quick crash course since apparently I have to do FUCKING EVERYTHING for you guys:

**YOUR GOD'S GUIDE TO NOT BEING IGNORANT DUMBASSES**

Sup... Im Baws and I have cool shades and I walk really cool and I listen to cool music and overall im just pretty fucking cool. Like im so cool that [insert two minute long metaphor].

That's Dave Strider. For the most part he's a douche but every once in a while he'll overcome his inner doucheness and become halfway okay to hang out with. Not that I would ever admit that to him, because well let's face it he's a LUMPSQUIRTING PIMPLEPOPPING DOUCHE.

Hi!! I fap to Nick Cage and I like giving hugs and being nice to everyone and I like movies. Like a lot of movies, but especially shitty ones from like 15 years ago... 

So that's John. He is a BRAINDEAD NOOKHUMPING SHITBAG AND I REALLY FUCKING HATE HIM. Like you have NOO IDEA I just want to rip that RAINBOWSHITTING FECULENT SMILE of his face and j-just NUKE HIM INTO FUCKING HATEBLIVION AND THEN GRAB HIM AND MAYBE KISS HIS FUCKING PATHETIC LI- 

WAIT WHAT THE FUCK??? OKAY JUST IGNORE EVERYTHING I SAID, I'LL FUCKING INTRODUCE MYSELF IF IT REALLY MEANS THAT MUCH TO YOUR OVERBLOWN BLOODPUSHERS. 

HI FUCKASSES!! IM KARKAT AND I HATE YOU ALL. CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON WITH THE STORY NOW?? 

CAN I TALK IN SECOND PERSON? NO OF COURSE I WON'T FUCKING TALK IN SECOND PERSON. WHY? BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT YOU PEOPLE WOULDN'T HAVE THE SLIGHTEST IDEA HOW TO BE ME!! HAVE YOU READ ANY OF MY FANFICS ONLINE? THEY ALL REALLY FUCKING SUCK. ITS BASICALLY JUST ME SAYING FUCKASS A LOT AND SHOOSHPAPPING A CLOWN NAMED GAMZEE WHO THE HELL IS GAMZEE???? 

SO YEAH NOT HAPPENING!! I'M TALKING IN FIRST PERSON SO DEAL WITH IT!! ON WITH THE STORY?? WHAT NO MORE STUPID REQUESTS, NO MORE OVERUSED FANDOM JOKES, WOW I GUESS YOUR NATURAL STUPIDITY IS MORE POWERFUL THAN YOUR INSTINCTIVE ANNOYINGNESS. CONGRATS YOUR OFFICIALLY IDIOTS.   
_Continuing with the story..._

GC: H3Y COOL K1D!!! M1SS M3?   
TG: Well if it ain't the psycho sisters and their little possey...   
TG: You know I was just talking to Karkat bout how this school doesn't have enough crazy chicks, funny little world ain't it?

All six of them are sitting at the table and I try to figure out how each of them compare to their Flarp characters. Flarping is pretty unique in that respect, most virtual reality games let you look however the fuck you want which means it usually ends up being a whole bunch of hot warrior chicks just running around and kicking ass but when you make a Flarpvater it actually has to look somewhat like your real self.

There are a couple differences though. Nepeta is shorter in real life and thankfully doesn't have claws(those claws were scary!!) Vriska looks much more real, like an actual girl instead of a psycho demoness and ditto for Terezi. Eridan lost the cape but I'm surprised to see that he does actually have a purple stripe in his hair in real life. Aradia's wearing a bright red sweater and has her hair up in a ponytail which kind of makes her lose a lot of the _“Queen of Death”_ look.

My group joins into them, intermingling freely for the most part. To be honest I kind of feel left out... everyone else has someone to talk to except me. Dave is over there talking to Terezi, she just laughed, he probably told some shitty music joke or something. Nepeta has her head on Tavros's shoulder, sharing headphones of course, and they both have one hand on a battered old Nintendo DS(probably Fiduspawn or some other shit like that). Sollux is doing the Sollux thing where he pretends to be really interested in his phone while he gets close to the person who he wants to talk too and then he looks up at the last moment and says hi acting all nonchalant and shit. He's doing it to Eridan of all people which kind of makes me want to puke but whatever. He can chase whoever the fuck he wants.

I grab a carton of chocolate milk and chug it like an alcoholic chugging Vodka. To be honest its really fucking disgusting and it almost made me gag. Whatever they put into this school food, it can't be healthy. 

SO who's left? Oh right our glorious leader over there, almost yelling with _their_ glorious leader and wow can't they keep their voices down, they're not the only fucking people at this table!! What are they even yelling about?? I don't give enough fucks to listen to it but it sounds like something to do with movies because I distinctly heard the words Leonardo Decaprio and Nicolas Cage. Man I wish I had someone to yell at. Sollux is usually my last resort for when I need someone to just trade barbs with because he's a lonely nerd and he just happens to be my best friend but hey looks like he found a boyfriend. Whatever... I mean I would have pushed him out of the way of that Death Wave too, just because Eridan got there first...

I don't care... who needs friends anyway?

I get up to toss the half empty Chocolate Milk carton into the trash with the unbridled fury of a thousand suns because no Chocolate Milk ever should be that disgusting, its an absolute disgrace to the miracle that is chocolate milk and if I wasn't such a lazy fuckass I would call the number on the carton and tell them exactly what the dickmongering clusterfuck I thought of the milk.

Oh I forgot about Aradia! I could talk to her... maybe. I mean I've never really talked to her and knowing my luck it would probably end up being really awkward for both of us but she's not really doing anything right now, she has her nose stuck in a book, and awkward talking still beats being a third wheel(or ninth wheel in this case). 

“Hey im Karkat” She looks up and I notice her eyes are actually rich brown instead of the dark violet that her Flarpvater had. It suits her, I think. Makes her look kind of pretty...

“Hey KK I'm Aradia!!” I consider correcting her because Sollux is the only one allowed to call me KK and thats only because I have no idea how to make him stop but she sounds genuinely excited to talk to me so I let it slide. 

“So you're the one that kept yelling “don't eat me” to the dragon right?”

“Oh... you heard that?”

“KK everybody heard that. I had ghosts yelling in my ear and you were still louder than them” 

Yea this is not where I wanted this conversation to go...

“Well it's not my fault I had a big-ass nookwhiffing shizcrisping taintloving dragon on my tail”

She giggles at that. “What? I was being fucking serious!”

“I know” She smiles “That's why I laughed”

Wow okay she's fucking weird... still her laugh is kinda cute... I guess

“Whatcha reading?” I point toward the book on her lap and she pulls it out to show me. 

“Oh its Looking for Alaska by John Green. I read Perks of Being a Wallflower and I looooooved it so my friend recommended this book”

Oh John Green... I'll admit I'm mostly a movie guy(romcoms mostly) but John Green is totally badass and I've read pretty much all of his books. Like Fault in Our Stars, that was a a GENIUS MASTERPIECE, and same with Paper Towns and An Abundance of Katherines and just pretty much all of his books and wow I can't wait to see the Fault in Our Stars movie except I have nobody to go see it with and that kinda sucks but maybe I'll just be that one single person in the middle of a whole bunch of crying couples. Or who knows maybe Aradia would want to go see it too?

I ask if I can see the book really quick and she puts in the bookmark before handing it to me. I flip through the book with the ease of familiarity and far too many rereadings late at night under the covers(sidenote e-books are fucking awesome because have you ever tried reading a paperback with a flashlight at night? Its pretty fuckwhiffing annoying). 

I show her my favorite quote: “Don't you know who you love, Pudge? You love the girl who makes you laugh and shows you porn and drinks wine with you. You don't love this crazy, sullen bitch.”. 

She returns the favor, showing me her favorite quote. Its right after Pudge says “It's not because I want to make out with her." and then The Captain is all like “Hold on... I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit” 

One thing I've noticed about John Green's books, and YA books in general. You have these 14 and 15 year olds... still in school, doing a whole bunch of shit you didn't even fucking know about when you were 14. Like Alaska, the main chick in the story, she's doing drugs and giving blowjobs, and smoking, and all that kringlebanging shit _they_ tell you not to do. And its not just her, its fucking everybody!!!! Holden, the dude from Catcher in the Rye, he's sixteen years old, goes to private school, and he almost bagged a prostitute for like 10 bucks!! A BAGELSHITTING PROSTITUTE. Sure he chickened out, but still...

So either John Green and all those other douche-fondling YA authors have REALLY PUTRID PERVY MINDS or I've been living a REALLY FUCKING SHELTERED LIFE. And I'm not sure which one I would prefer. 

“Hey you said you liked Perks of Being a Wallflower right?” I have an idea, a crazy moronic sponge-brained chimp-planned idea, but whatever, its not like I was ever known to be smart anyway. Common sense is for annoying ass pricks like Sollux. 

“Yea!!” A flash of excitement lights her eyes and I'm having a really hard time remembering that this girl in front of me, the one who's always smiling and gets excited over everything, is the same chick who summoned up a whole lot of dead ass monsters. “It's like my favorite book right now!! I loooove Charlie!”

“Well you see I kind of have the movie and I was going to watch it when I got home, well actually I was going to watch Sleepless In Se- I-I uhhh I mean Die Hard, I was gonna watch Die Hard but I've already seen Slee- Die Hard like 20 million fucking times so if you want, well you probably have something better to do than hang out with a kringlefuck like me then I guess you seem pretty cool, way better than all these other nimshits on my team and I-”

“I would love to hang out with you KK!!” She interrupts me with an inordinate amount of glee given the situation I mean seriously hanging out with me is REALLY NOT THAT FUN but still she said yes.. maybe I'll actually find a friend who shares my taste in (Awesome) movies for once(closest I've come is John but his taste is a little too crude for my refined/connoiseur/fucking batshit amazing senses)

“Wow thats fucking great!!! Wait did I actually ask you?”

“It seemed like you were headed in that direction, I simply decided to help you a little” She winked at me!! What the fuck is that supposed to mean????

“I was getting there!! You could have had a little goddamn patience”

“Okay Mister “Knight of Blood” ask me again, oh and you're not allowed to cuss when you ask me”

“Why the fuck not?”

“Cuz I said so, now get on with it...”

“This is fucking stupid!!”

She leans back in her chair and shoots me through the heart with a glare, challenging me, daring me, to say no. 

“ughh fine whatever... hey aradia you feel like coming over after school to watch a fuc- Emma Watson be amazing and awesome and Logan Lerman be all wallflowery at first and then slowly break out of his shell with me?”

“See that wasn't so hard!! And sure I would love to” Another wink!! What the hell is she playing at??? 

*****

Your name is John Egbert and you were just in the middle of a heated argument with Vriska over whether a true PBJ should be more peanut butter than jelly or more jelly than peanut butter. I mean its actually A REALLY IMPORTANT QUESTION, like if you try to get it exactly half and half then you just end up putting too much of both and then the inside spills out when you pick it up spilling out all over your clothes right in the middle of school before a SUPER IMPORTANT DEBATE TOURNAMENT IN FRONT OF LIKE 3 DIFFERENT SCHOOL DEBATE TEAMS(You speak from experience unfortunately). So inevitably you have to choose either one or the other to spread more of and you are OF THE UNWAVERING OPINION that the Jelly is WAAAAY more important than the pb. 

Look at it this way, if you put too much peanut butter and not enough jelly then all you taste is the peanut butter. The peanut butter takes over the jelly and gives the sandwich a peanuty flavor. Not to mention that it gets stuck in your teeth and becomes impossible to chew and is just overall NOT GOOD. If, on the other hand, you put a lot more Jelly than peanut butter then it really doesn't matter!! I mean you're still going to be able to taste the peanut butter no matter how much jelly you put in cuz jelly ain't a flavor bully like pb. 

Anyway point is you're totally right and Vriska is totes wrong and that is all there is to say on the matter!!! 

And even if it weren't ABSOLUTELY ALL THERE WAS TO SAY on the matter, your phone just buzzed with a message, and you are somewhat-maybe-perhaps-okaycompletelytotallyandunequivocally addicted to little metal rectangles with touchscreens on top that do REALLY AWESOME THINGS so there's like absolutely no way you're going to ignore this message, or really any message you get in the concievable future.

Wow its from Rose. Your best bro's sister doesn't normally text you. Normally when she wants to talk she just pops up uninvited at your house. She somehow got a key to your house(you still have NO idea how) so she just comes in whenever she feels like it. The first time she did that you were alone in the house and you had just taken a shower without realizing there wasn't any towel in the bathroom(don't you hate when that happens??) so you walked out _a la nude_ and then you saw her and FREAKED OUT and grabbed the closest thing you could find which happened to be one of your dad's premium australian leather hats which by the way you never told him that you used his favorite hat to protect your modesty and you probably never will cuz yea... Anyway she said she didn't see anything but she also gave you one of the ten million “Rose” looks that can mean anything from “Judging from your sadistic tendencies and your personality traits there is a very good chance you will marry one of your household appliances” to “I think I'm going to use you as a character in one of my Harry Potter fanfics. Now I just have to decide whether to give you a tragic death or write some smut and make you have a threeway bondage session with Harry and Hermione”

You open it and... oh. Yep have to go

*****  
CA: hey wwhats going on?  
CG: I MEAN YOU MIGHT HAVE FINALLY USED YOUR SHITFLINGING SLIMEBANGING EXCUSE FOR A BRAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR LIFE AND REALIZED HEY MY GIRLFRIEND IS A SHITHIVE PSYCHOBITCH BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAD TO RUIN IT FOR THE REST OF US   
TG: Go flirt with Death Queen later. Its pretty obvious John got an important call, all like “your mission, if you should choose to accept it, is to recover a super secret weapon from an antigovernment terrorist agency.” And the only reason he hasn't told us yet is because he wants to protect us like later when we're all at gunpoint and everyone hates us he'll be all “they don't know jack shit it was all me” and then they'll let us go and take him to a supersecret containment prison in the middle of the universe and then we'll have to dress up like astronauts and hijack a space shuttle and shoot off into space to save him and of course they're going to send missiles after us so sollux is probably gonna sacrifice himself cuz lets face it someone's gonna die and we don't have any black guys on our team and then we rescue John and he'll be all like “I wanted to tell you so much but I couldn't”and then I'll be all like “I understand bro, I understand” and then we'll get Nolan to direct the movies cuz lets face it Nolan's a badass and maybe get DiCaprio to star... How far off am I?   
TG: Come on bro don't leave me hanging, at least tell me whether I hit like the outer circle on a bullseye thats worth like half a point or whether I'm the loser who sent the arrow flying way off to the left and accidentally killed the king with an arrow to the neck before being run out of the kingdom by angry soldiers.  
EB: I'll tell you guys everything once we're back in the Flarpverse  
TG: Come on bro what could be so important  
TG: Like seriously is Nick Cage tied up naked in a dungeon or what?  
TG: Gross sweaty armpit juice ripe for the taking so you can put it in your shitty collection?  
TG: Did Rose and Kanaya get kidnapped by the flying spaghetti monster and need us to jump to their rescue with forks and pasta strainers?  
TG: Totally wreck the shit out of some mutant pasta  
TG: Wait what was that look???!!  
TG: Did Rose and Kanaya actually get kidnapped????  
EB: …  
EB: And Jade and Jane and some girl named Fef or something  
EB: They went topside  
TG: Shit

*****

TA: fuckiing school computers stiill use goddamn windows 7  
TA: when are those dumbasses gonna realize that liinux's the future?  
TA: there, ii set up the flarp software now we just have to waiit for the computer to get iits shiit together and actually decide to do some work  
EB: Okay just get us in as quick as you can 

*****

Nobody, you repeat nobody bails on Vriska Fucking Serket, ESPECIALLY dorky kids named John with buckteeth and glasses. You storm through the hallways, your team behind you, Terezi next to you, your fury laying waste to all who cross your path(aka one freshman who almost fell on his face getting out of your way). You reach the computer lab in building 3 and bang open the door not even caring that technically you should be in class and you're surrounded by classes that could potentially hear you and get you sent straight to Dr. Scratch, the absolute WORST principal to ever grace the halls of Prospit High. 

AG: JOHN EGBERT YOU CHOSE THE WRONG CHICK TO 8AIL ON

The bewildered look on his face is almoooooooost enough to make you smile just cuz he kinda looks like a puppy when he's confused. Then you remember that he totally left you out to dry and it suddenly becomes a whole lot easier not to.

GC: D4V3... 1 C4NT B3L13V3 YOU WOULD JUST D1TCH M3 L1K3 TH4T... WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH 4 TH1NG???   
GC: HMM 1F 1 CUT OFF YOUR L3GS TH3N 1 C4N K33P YOU 444LLL TO MYS3LF H3H3H3 WH4T DO YOU TH1NK OF TH4T COOL K1D???? T34CH YOU TO RUN 4W4Y FROM M3   
GC: JUST K1DD1NG 1 WOULD N33333V3R CUT OFF YOUR CUT3 COOL K1D L3GS!!!   
GC: M4YB3 4N 4RM 4 FOOT … 4 LOCK OF YOUR H41R TO SL33P W1TH 4T N1GHT?   
TG: umm...   
GC: JK... M4YB3... H3H3 >:]   
TG: Sorry Tez I know you can't live without the D but my sis and her hot vampire girlfriend are in trouble    
EB: And my sister!!   
TG: And John's sis, so I have time for like one maybe two sloppy makeouts but then we gotta roll   
TG: Its hard being the ones the go out and rescue everyone... its hard and noone understands

Okay you can forgive buckteeth for his crimes against Team Scourge. Not that you're ready to let him completely off the hook but if Tez needed your help then you would drop everything to rescue her(no matter how dorky and cute that everything was). 

You walk up to one of the unused computers and log in to your private account. 

Username: theawesomestchickever  
Password: 8adass!!

EB: What are you doing?   
AG: what's it look like i'm doing? 

You make sure to inject a little condecension into your glare and he withers before your spider's charm. Score Vriska: 8 billion John: 2

AG: Look if I let you guys go alone then you'll just end up dying and then you'll never 8e a8le to complete your end of the 8argain   
AG: I was promised an hour of slave la8or from glasses over there and no half assed rescue mission is gonna get in my w8y

“Well said sis” Tez says as she logs into her own computer and you wave a hand at the rest of your team to hurry up and find a computer like seriously can't they do anything without you???

TG: Look as much as we appreciate the olive branch y'all are waving in our faces, we don't need your help we can handle a few monsters on our-   
EB: If you want to help us then hurry up we're going in as soon as Sollux finishes   
TG: Duuuuddee!   
EB: Dave, Rose and Jade...   
TG: Yea whatever   
TG: Guess it wouldn't be terrible to have backup

You smirk at Terezi and she gives you a cackle in return. They aren't getting away from the two of you that easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quote of the Week: “I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.” - Looking for Alaska by John Green


	11. A wild rose appears!!

_413 minutes in the past_

GA: Rose Dear,  
GA: Are You Sure This Is The Best Course Of Action?  
GA: I Was Under The Impression We Were Trying To Initiate A Bond Of Mutual Partnership With The Tuathuan Elves.

Your name is Rose Lalonde and you are currently rather occupied dueling a wolf shaman. Then again dueling implies there is a probability of losing and you are quite certain that barring some cataclysmic collection of meteors signaling the end of the earth, you will be quite capable of dispatching this shoddy excuse for a magician. 

TT: Kanaya darling, I must admit I am not quite as nuanced in the finer aspects of Tuathuan culture as opposed to say the ritualistic feeding habits of Horrorterror Elementals...

You wave away a pathetic excuse for a shadow wolf conjuration with your black elmwood needles and send a Spectral Wave at his Aural Shield making the somber gray forcefield shiver out of existence. There's a reason they're called the "somber elves," even their aura's have a melancholy glow. The Tuathuan gestures with his willow wand frantically rebuilds the shattered remains of his aura.

Amateur. Wands have no feel, no give, especially willow. Willow just flops around in the wind, you have no idea how it doesn't snap in two with every simple illumination charm. Blackthorn isn't bad, it has a little more resistance but you still prefer your needles. Two Thorns of Oglogoth, given freely by a particularly nasty Horrorterror as thanks for a little... favor you did it. 

TT: But generally when your host sends a group of his finest warriors to kill you it is probably safe to assume that he is adverse to the idea of establishing a "mutual partnership" as you so elegantly put it. 

You kneel down on one knee, making sure not to let your black shimmering dress get torn on the rocky craggy surface of the wasteland the Tuathuan Elves call home. You dressed up for this occasion, its not every day you get to wear your Shinigami dress, the dress Kanaya bought you for your one year Flarpversary. How she afforded it is beyond you but you can't deny you look absolutely ravishing in it.

You press both tips of the needles onto the rock lightly holding them until the ground starts to bubble and boil as if it were liquid. Smoke rises up from the boiling stone parting its way into two forks that split to either side of you because no foolish smoke cloud would dare get in the face of Rose Lalonde, ambassador of the horrorterrors and master of death herself. 

When the boiling stone turns black as night you lift the needles back up from the ground and demurely stand back up letting dark smoke twirl around you for good measure as you watch your rival magician slowly misplace whatever remaining vestige of confidence he may have still possessed. As your brother would say, he was totally losing his shit.

The black slowly travels towards him, mostly staying in the stone that is its birthplace, but occasionally jumping up into the air as a wayward tentacle or a displaced wave. He appearifies aura shields in front of it but the blackness simply travels under, through the stone, bypassing his last ditch defensive magic. He sends elemental blasts at the tentacles that creep out into the air, mostly fire blasts with the occasional wind or water but they do no harm. The servants of the Horrorterrors are not harmed by such a pathetic attempt at magic, it would take a much more complex and powerful magic to counter them.

He jumps away with an undignified squeal when the a tentacle reached out close enough to caress his foot but trips over his own cloak and falls into a tangled mess of limbs and random extremities. The darkness pauses, looking at you for clarification, a single tentacle in the form of a question mark asking what your will might be and you wave a hand impatiently. You don't have all day .

The darkness needs no further prompting, and the screams and shouts of the wolf shaman are muffled as the darkness slowly covers him and encases him in a prison of evil. His hand is outstretched for help as he slowly freezes into a statue, the words of a useless counterspell are still visible on his half open lips. 

Pity... It probably wouldn't have worked anyway. 

When every inch of gray Tuathuan skin is obscured from view the darkness again simmers to liquid and melts back into the stone, dissipating as rapidly as it appearified. It leaves behind two little droplets though, the eyes of the Tuathuan, formerly a dark yellow, are now completely black. His movements are not the faltering stretches of one who has just been immobilized by the dark forces, but rather the unthinking commands of a robot or a slave. 

You are the queen of darkness. That is you. When it comes to evil there is simply noone better.

GG: Rose!!!  
GG: What have I told you about possessing the poor toplanders??!!  
TT: Oops 

You are now JADE HARLEY and if you've told Rose once you've told her a million times... possessing people is creepy!!! I mean sure they might not technically be "people" and they might be trying to kill you and spill your guts all over the floor, BUT that doesn't mean you can't give them a nice clean death free of any POSSESSION WHATSOEVER. 

You raise your RIFLEKIND SPECIBUS and send a bullet towards the head of an incoming Tuathuan War Dog. It crashes and falls to the ground with a whine.

Poor doggy. If it wasn't trying to kill you you would have liked to play with it. 

TG: YEEAAHH GIRL NICE SHOT

You look over and see Roxy leaning on a dead Mountain Troll, her blonde hair covered in troll blood(troll blood is purple and TOTALLY glows in the dark). Her two pistols are laying on the trolls disgorged stomach while she uses one hand to wave at you and the other to hold a bottle of-

GG: Roxy where the hell did you find a bottle of wine????  
GG: I thought we took away the one you had stached in your sylladex!!!  
TG: jaaaaade, jadey jadester hehe  
TG: alcohol's my best friend   
TG: c-cant take a quirl awawy from her bestestestestestest frooond  
TG: hehe i mean frand  
TG: Pssshhhhh ya know what i mean dont you jadey?

You slam the butt of your rifle into the head of another war dog knocking it out before marching up close to Roxy and crossing your arms in what you hope is a very business-like manner.

GG: Roxy give me the wine  
TG: But jaaaddeeeeey...  
GG: Now!

She puts it behind her back and leans forward giving you a suggestive wink. Her pink Rogue t-shirt is entirely too baggy for her and you are seeing FAR MORE of her than you're entirely comfortable with. 

GA: Jade?  
GG: Give me a second Kanaya I'll be right over  
GA: Jade Where Is Feferi?  
GG: She's right over th-  
GG: She was right behind me a second ago!!

_397 minutes in the past_

CC: WOOOHOOOO  
CC: IM RIDING A GLUBBING WYVERN  
GG: FEFERI JUST HANG ON!! WE'LL GET YOU DOWN FROM THERE  
CC: THIS IS GLUBBIN AWESOME

Sometimes you think that you are THE ONLY SANE PERSON IN THIS GROUP!!! Like SERIOUSLY if it isn't Roxy getting drunk off her ass, or Rose POSSESING PEOPLE LEFT AND RIGHT, or Kanaya doing her VAMPIRE SUCK HER ENEMIES DRY THING, then its Feferi being Feferi.

Like this... You don't even know how to explain it.

Well for starters, she's RIDING A GODDAMN WYVERN. Like related-to-dragons-except-dumber-and-also-a-lot-quicker wyverns. Like poison-bite-that-takes-away-basically-half-your-hp-immediately wyvern. Like covered in spines and VERY SHARP scales wyvern. NOT ONLY THAT but she's also GIGGLING HER ASS OFF while repeatedly STABBING HER TRIDENT DOWN into the Wyvern's brain. 

Welp guess im stuck on the back of a poisonous reptile thats nimble enough to stretch its neck backward and bite me into like a million pieces. What should I do???? Screw trying to jump off I should just stab him in his head!! Hey maybe when he gets involuntary muscle spasms from having his brainmeat minced like celery he'll be kind enough to not smash me against any of the walls!!

CC: Jaaade can we get a pet wyvern????

Yep you're the only sane person on this team. When did you become the responsible one? You rub your forehead wearily.

GG: Yea Fef we can get a pet wyvern  
TG: OOOH seriofley???  
TG: *seriousley  
CC: HAI ROXY  
CC: Be jelly of my wyvern!!   
CC: Im naming him Freddie

As you watch, she leaves the three prongs of her trident stuck in the Wyverns head and tilts the top to steer the poor suffering reptile down towards the ground(seriously that has to be painful). It crashes against the ground and you cough as a huge cloud of dust and rocks finally settles back down. Feferi dismounts like a princess and gives the wyvern a pat on the head.

GG: No Rox...  
GG: We're not getting a wyvern  
GG: Your little demon familiar cat thing is where I draw the line  
TT: Jade I sincerely hope you are not implying that Anubis is anything less than a perfect cat familiar  
TT: Quite simply the best undead cat a pair of sister witches could ever ask for  
TG: Hell yea sis!!!  
TG: We need tchu protactr Nubis's rep  
TG: *pretact  
GA: I Must Confess That I Share Jade's Opinion Of The Demon Spawn Feline  
GA: I Still Haven't Forgiven It For Appearifying A Dead Blood Hag On Top Of My New Dress  
TT: Kanaya darling Anubis did apologize for ruining your dress  
GA: It Was High Quality Venetian Silk  
GA: And Forgive Me Rose But An Apology Spoken In The Eldritch Tongue Seems Rather Misplaced  
GA: Considering The Eldritch Word For "Kill" Is Exactly The Same As Their Word For "Forgive"   
TG:Kan Kaaaann, Forgive and frogett!!  
TG: *forget  
GG: Tell that to the elves  
GG: Somehow I don't think they'll forgive us for taking out their magicians, their war dogs, and their pet wyvern  
TG: Oooh ooh don't forget their mountain troll!!!  
GG: Yea yea and their mountain troll  
GG: Point is... don't you think we should maybe leave before they come back with a fuckload of warriors with pointy sticks?  
CC: )(E)(E  
GG: What?!  
TG: Chu said pointey sticks!!  
TG: LOL  
GG: OH GROW UP!!  
GG: Kanaya tell Fef and Roxy that they're being immature!!!  
GA: Feferi And Roxy You Both Are Acting Substantially Less Mature Than Should be Expected From Your Age  
GG: Thank you now can we PLEASE abscond???  
TT: Im afraid that won't be possible at the moment  
TT: Seems our royal reception has arrived

He's tall for a Tuathuan, almost tall enough to be a high elf or an Aasimar, but his skin has the grey complexion reserved for those of his race, neither the pale fair tone that is the trademark of most elven species nor the dark skin of the Drow. His ears are forked, symbolizing the duality of their gods and the neccesity of listening for ones enemy's. It is not a natural trait for their species, reserved only for those of noble heritage. From birth his servants spent hours upon hours bending the fragile cartilage with a dull knife or some other tool, a painful yet necessary ordeal for the elite Tuathuan. And this guy is definitely elite. 

**downloading flarp language patch 13.2...**  
 **23% downloaded please be patient...**  
 **Done!**  
 **In time language translation enabled. For full list of supported languages and more details please dial 314 on your flarpphone or flarphelmet**

TP: -espect, the AUDACITY to come into MY realm and kill MY warriors???  
GA: Greetings Prince Spάrklœs   
GA: I Am Kanaya Maryam Sylph of Sp-  
TP: King Spάrklœs now, and I know who you are  
TP: My informant informed me of your identities.   
TG: (ROFL his name is sparkles)  
CC: (He's ADORABUBBLE)  
GG: (SHHH)  
GA: King? Forgive Me Your Majesty But I Was Under The Impression That Your Father Was-  
TP: Dead? You would be correct. As will you all be if you do not explain to me EXACTLY why you chose to trespass on our lands.   
TT: Your informant... would he by any chance type in all white text?  
TP: Why does it matter?  
TT: Oh no reason, I was simply rather curious.  
TG: (Rosie knows something!!)

Roxy's right. Rose has on her I-know-something-you-dont-know smirk, plain as day. You've been on the receiving end of that smirk enough times to know that Rose is pulling a fast one over Mr. Hotshot over there. I mean not that you know anything about this whole situation either, Rose and Kanaya basically dragged the whole team here without sharing any information WHATSOEVER but its nice to know that Rose has got something up her sleeve because the 12 warrior elves standing warily behind their king do NOT look like they want to forgive and forget. Rose smoothes out her skirt seemingly oblivious to the death glares the Tuathuans are giving her. 

TT: Your majesty, we were also sent here by an informant, on a quest   
TT: A quest which could benefit your people if you will deign to help us   
TP: I'm listening   
TT: We're searching for an ancient magical artifact   
TT: One lost for centuries, cloaked in legends and myths, but if we could find it your people would remember you as the greatest Tuathuan king since Wryggyr the Fearless.    
TP: I would suggest you hurry up and tell me what it is   
TP: Neither me nor my attendants are very patient people.    
GA: The White Concordat Your Majesty   
GA: That Is The Artifact We Seek 

To say everyone went silent as a ghost would be an understatement. To say the underlying tension in the room hardened as thick as an ebony plate of mail forged by volcanic fire would still be an understatement. To say that a sense of awkwardness as STRONG as that of a vegetarian at the World Sasusage Fair of The Universe fell over the room would STILL BE AN UNDERSTATEMENT. Lets just say that the hostility from the Tuathuans, already at a low boil from you guys having decapitated and impaled several of their comrades, sparked into a simmering vapor that scalded any semblance of polite conversation into a pile of ashes. A pile of ashes that reminds you uncomfortably of just how dead you're gonna be when this war zone of a conversation is over. 

TP: You dare speak that name to me?!  
GA: Sire Times Are Changing  
GA: The Aquatic Elves Just Signed A Treaty Of Amity With The High Elves And Even The Drow Have Expressed An Interest In Peace.   
GA: If We Can Find The Concordat, The Single Closest Chance To Lasting Peace That The Flarp Races Have Ever Had...  
TT: We can end the topside wars. For good.  
GA: Your Majesty, The Gray Elves Were The First To Support The Aasimar When They Created the Concordat, Is It Not Fitting That Now You Should Be The First To Continue The Work The Aasimar Started?

The king pulls out a Cursed Soul Dagger(Nasty bitch of a dagger) and runs it across his arms, tracing the scars that mark his rank in society. Ten bagillion bucks says he's just doing that to frighten you but haha jokes on him cause your years of INTENSE FLARPING have left you with the courage of a goddamn dragon an- HOLY SHIT YOU JUST SAW YOURSELF DIE IN THE REFLECTION OF THE DAGGER!! Okay yea a soul dagger does kinda scare you a bit... No biggie though you've gotten out of worse. 

TP: Since you seem so well versed in the lore of the Concordat I trust that you also know of what happened the first time the Aasimar tried to unite all the Elven races under it...  
TP: No? Well let me tell you  
TP: King Patroclus was the Aasimar king. No Aasimar before him had ever been so loved by his people and no Aasimar since has even come close.   
GA: Your Majesty  
TP: King Patroclus had a seer's power. He foresaw peace between all the different Flarp races and in his "infinite wisdom" he carved the White Concordat on a slab of moonstone with his own white shimmering blood.   
TP: We, the gray elves, were the first to support him. We convinced the wood elves to join our cause, used our influence with the High elves, Patroclus himself came to our people and stayed with us for a season, regaling us with his stories of peace and art and a beautiful new world that we could create together. Our people gathered behind him, behind the Concordat.  
TP: Fools all of us, and Patroclus the greatest fool of all.   
TP: The Aquatic Elves cut off his head, sent his head and the head of his seven closest friends back home to his people. That was the end of our "glorious" cause.   
TT: That was just the Aquatic Elves. What of the other species?  
TT: Do they not deserve peace?  
TP: That was what our people thought after the fall of the Aasimar. We helped the wood elves, our "allies" with protection and whatever else they needed.  
TP: Back then we were many and wealth was no concern for our people. We kept links with the other elven races, even the Drow in the hopes that one day we could finish what Patroclus started. We stopped the massacre of the tieflings, and the discrimination of the dwarves.   
TP: Then the Shadow King rose. We sent legion after legion to help those most threatened by him. With OUR help the wood elves were able to repel his demons from the forest. With OUR help the Drow survived to see another day. With OUR forces the siege at Feyrin was broken. With OUR help the Feyrin Dwarves retook their precious mines at Vorria  
TP: And then he came knocking at our door...  
TP: We lit the distress fires at Belthor, at Vewrin, on the high peaks of Jorrmundur. We sent riders to all 7 elf kingdoms, to all 3 dwarf kingdoms, we prayed that someone would come help us, honor the bonds of friendship they had sworn.   
TP: The wingless aasimar came. They alone honored the alliance.   
TP: The drow, the high, the wood elves, they all abandoned us to the mercy of demons. 

Man that story's pretty intense. You kinda feel bad for him(well as bad as you can feel for someone who has you surrounded with a bunch of soldiers). 

TP: So no, none of them deserve peace.   
TP: The somber elves will never forget what they did to us  
GA: Your Majesty Don-  
TP: Silence!! I have preparations to take care of and I've wasted too much time here already.  
TP: You were right about one thing...  
TP: The world IS changing and I plan to lead my people to glory in the ashes of bloody war

He turns to his second in command. 

TP: Arrest them   
TP: They can rot in our dungeons for eternity

Aaaaaaannndd thats your cue!! Diplomacy failed lets try force. Quick as a flash you twist your rifle out of your sylladex and point the barrel right between the eyes of the king. 

GG: Tell your men to back off!!  
GG: Before I give your brain a nice skylight to admire the view

His grey pudgy eyes look at you with hate while you lock him down with the look you usually only reserve for when John uses your computer even though you've told him a million times not to. He whispers a series of words which you realize far too late is the words of a spell and you see his body shimmer into nothingness as your bullet passes through empty space and the floating rancid stench of rotten eggs that accompany the darkest forms of magic. A single crows tail feather floats to the ground as remembrance of the elf who shadow-shimmered away. 

Okay! One down about 12 to go. You turn to his second in command, the one who received the order. 

GG: You gonna let us go or are you stupid?

He's not scared!!! How disrespectful... I mean if someone's going to take time out of their day to threaten you with a customized vintage Benelli M2 outfitted with celestial bronze shells then THE LEAST you can do is at least look a little scared. Its like common courtesy!!

TS: We're not going to do anything...  
TS: We'll let our latest ally do all the dirty work  
TS: Bring in Noir!!

You swing down the butt of your gun towards his head because you have had it UP TO HERE with all these elves trying to kill you and you feel the gun hit skin and the satisfying thump of violence but its too late because the rancid smell of rotten eggs is making you cough and the smoke of magic is making your eyes water and WHAT IS IT WITH THESE PEOPLE SHADOW SHIMMERING RIGHT BEFORE YOURE ABOUT TO KILL THEM?????

The smell is everywhere and through the haze you guess that at least half of them have already shimmered away. One of them was knocked out by Roxy and her empty wine bottle, as evident by the broken shards of glass and the bloody gash on his head. Another is strangling a third elf, eyes black as night(wow BIG surprise Rose possessed another elf). Feferi used her charm spell to daze the fourth elf before knocking him out with a blow from her trident. You look toward Kanaya and are greeted with the absolutely pleasant sight of an elf being ripped in half by a dragonscale chainsaw. You're being sarcastic btw. The sight of a chainsaw ripping the guts and organs out of an elf really is NOT pleasant at all, even if they did cut down on the gore in the last update after the American League of Responsible Parents sued them for Youth Cultural Malfeasance whatever the hell that means. 

GG: Yea!! Good job gu-...

A low growl interrupts your train thoughts and you suddenly feel the room become really cold. The growl seems to come from nowhere and everywhere and you see your own fear reflected in the eyes of your four teammates as you all turn back towards the entrance of the cave. 

Woof 

*****

tentacleTherapist begins pestering ectoBiologist

Error! ectoBiologist is currently offline. Please wait until this flarper logs back in or send him an offline message for only 5 Flarp credits. 

tentacleTherapist sends private offline message to {ectoBiologist}  
TT: topside trapped need help dog kan me fef jade rox  
tentacleTherapist sends currentFlarpcation   
TT: Hur-

**Your message has been sent to the phone number or email that ectoBiologist designated as his offline contact. You used up 5 flarp credits to send this message. Your total balance is 666 credits. Only this weekend buy credits at the flarpstore for 10% off and a free ruby gem with every purchase!**

*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo just a couple a notes...  
> 1) Im taking both my stories off the schedule I had before FOR TWO REASONS. Reason number one is I wasn't following it anyway. The National Fanfic Police of America busted down my door and trashed my house and told me this would be the last warning before they nuked my metaphorical writers studio in los angelas where I live toserve the rampant readers of the internet. Lets face it we've been living in denial and so now im going to writers anonymous and they made me see that being slow ass writer is NOTHING to be ashamed off.  
> Reason number two and THE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT reason is that I was comparing some of my later work to some of my earlier work and it was just not shaping up at all. Like comparing haagen daaz to baskin robbins ice creaem, or cherry coke to diet mountain dew, or french vanilla to soft serve vanilla. Lets face it the quality was not nearly what you guys deserve so for the good of this story and any other stories I write as well as the sake of my sanity(ALIENS MAN THEY"RE REAL I SAW THEM) I am pulling my feet off the pedal and uping the quality control limit on my writing. So expect less to read each week but expect it to be about 413% better. 
> 
> Oh BTW. Im going to visit myBEAUTIFUL matesprit and my GODDAMN AMAZING moirail next week and this is the first time ive seen them in like 8 months so i am FUCKING HAPPY AS DEATH THE KID IN A BOX OR A STONER LISTENING TO PINK FLOYD OR ERIN JAEGAR FIGHTING TITANS. Lets just say im really happy. 
> 
> Anyway yea... See ya soon!!!! Love y'all!!!!!!!!


	12. More The Merrier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A nostalgic flashback, a succesful scrying, a tearful reunion, 2 painful knockouts, a fashion statement, a fashion critic, a flushed repartee, an unveiled kink, and a returning enemy

_present_

AG: We already passed that shrine like 8 times Egdork  
AG: When are you going to admit we're lost?  
EB: I know what I'm doing! Look the fps tells us exactly how to get there   
EB: In 1.2 miles we have to turn... right! No left wait the map's going all crazy now its half a mile in... the direction we came  
TG: John we're lost.  
TG: There's no question its not like one of those gameshow bizz's where they're all like “Is that your final answer?” and then we go like NOPE BITCHES and use our Phone a Friend lifeline to call Tom Cruise who tells us what the right answer is.   
TG: We've become two little red riding hoods, watch out for pedophile wolves, place is infested with them its worse than twilight. If we look closely we can probably find where the wolves keep their pants and then we can sell them on ebay and make all the wolves pantless and what the hell are they going to without pants we're going to have to make werewolf movies r-rated for intense beastial nudity and then who's going to be on team Edward?  
TG: Who John? See what you've done?! You ruined twilight.  
TG: I hope your happy   
AG: …  
AG: Is he alw8ys like this?  
EB: What his ironic rants? No usually they're worse, that one was pretty short.  
EB: After a while you learn to just tune it out.   
EB: Hey where’d the rest of the team go?  
TG: Oh Terezi stopped to lick a fromberry tree and everyone’s gathered around her.  
AG: Some leader you are, don’t even notice half your team is missing  
AG: I mean come oooooooon John  
EB: pshhh im not their leader!!  
EB: Im their friend  
TG: And statements like that are what makes you our leader 

 

Your name is JOHN EGBERT and you are QUITE CERTAIN that your flarp gps is broken. You plugged in the flarpcords that Rose sent you and it sent you directly to this spot in the middle of Fendor Wastelands and QUITE OMNIOUSLY smack dab in the middle of gray elf territory(or somber elf whatever political correctness ftw!!) Except now you’re here and Rose most certainly is NOT. You mean unless she turned into like a tree or a bush or specks of dirt but thats REALLY UNLIKELY even in the world of random Flarp madness. 

Whats even WORSE is that your LOYAL FOLLOWING has not stopped bickering for the whole time you’ve been here. I mean sure its nice to have 5 extra bodies in case things get ugly(and you’re topside which means there’s about a 314% chance that things are going to get REAL UGLY) but would it kill them to just get along???? Like Karkat and Eridan. So first Karkat is being Karkat and talking with Sollux about random crap like music and movies and the How I Met Your Mother Finale(You’re not even going to get started on how WRONG that finale was!!) and Eridan was with them cause for some reason Eridan and Sollux have pretty much become glued together in some weird love hate relationship of insults and pathetic attempts at flirting. And then Karkat starts talking about coffee and Eridan starts talking about how Starbucks is too mainstream and how only local coffee shops have real “soul” and whatever and then they start shouting over whether a Mocha or a Machiato is better and like seriously??? What the hell is a Machiatto even? Sounds like a machete. Maybe its a coffee thats so strong it feels like you’re getting ripped open with a machete. Or maybe its a “Macho” coffee that only REAL MEN can drink... Your knowledge of coffee can be summed up with the words “comes from beans.” Dave and Karkat are the coffee addicts in your group, you usually just order like hot chocolate whenever you go to like Starbucks or Panera Bread. 

And then Nepeta and Tavros just hold hands and act REALLY CUTE whispering to each other and giggling like crazy. They started singing like ten minutes ago(which pissed Karkat off to no end). It was the song from Enchanted, the one where Giselle is all like “How does she knoooooooooooooooow you love her??? and the dude is all like “Whoa crazy princess shut up were at a park” and then a bunch of Jamaican dude’s join in and eventually everyone’s singing. ANYWAY so Nepeta started singing and Tavros just turned red as a Tomato(the red kind not the pale orange tomatoes) but eventually he joined in and they sang for like 10 minutes just singing the chorus over and over again which you would’ve been COMPLETELY FINE with BUT their singing also attracted like a dozen mutant Scarabrats which you and Vriska had to deal with and sure you’ll be lucky if scarabrats are all you find up here but they’re still a pain to kill. Eventually Terezi joined in on their little duet and her cackle pretty much drew the singing to a grinding crashing halt. 

Oh and then Dave and Terezi started rapping. Well more like Dave started rapping and Terezi would string a few words together before cackling and trying to smell Dave. Terezi has an unhealthy fascination with smelling people ESPECIALLY Dave. And it doesn’t exactly help you concentrate, which you kinda need to do if you’re going to find Rose in this hellforsaken wasteland, when you have Dave trying to shake TG:Terezi off because she jumped on his back AND has her nose in his neck taking a whiff of the Strider Scent AND yelling “RUN HORSEY RUN” and then she goes flying and crashes into Aradia who gets pushed into Karkat and then eventually you just have a big clusterfuck of chaos(though you could have sworn you saw Karkat blush when Aradia fell down on top of him). 

AA: Hey John how’s the search going?

You nearly jump out of your skin when Aradia pops up behind you. She really takes her whole “Death Queen” act seriously like you don’t even hear her footsteps when she walks. 

EB: Oh hey Aradia didn’t see you there!!  
EB: Its... going I guess  
EB: We’re kinda lost right now  
AA: Oh well do you want me to help?  
AA: I can try to do some scrying and see if I can pick up her aura...  
EB: Yea can you do that?  
EB: That would be great!!  
AA: I’ll need something of hers to scry with  
AA: Something she touched recently if at all possible.  
EB: Umm let me check...

You open your sylladex and poke around. Man things are getting really crowded in here you need to clean up your sylladex. Like here in this pocket you have 56 cabbages. You don’t even cook!!!! Let me see... Dungserpent repellant nope, Horkebeast tusks you need to sell those, fake Dragonscale boots you picked up off a trader down in Black Hawk Corner that could get you a good price if you find somebody to buy it. Umm lets see 5 wooden bowls again why would you even need 5 of those, extendable fire staff, ooh invisibility potion wait it only lasts 10 seconds man your alchemy skill SUCKS. Okay wait you found something, whats this? You pull it out and BINGO!!!

EB: Here’s a wind hoodie she knitted for me does that work?  
AA: Yea that’s perfect!!  
AA: Here pass it to me and I’ll scry for her

She takes the hoodie and runs a finger down the length of it with her eyes closed, speaking in a tongue as old as night itself and you suddenly feel very nostalgic for things come and gone. 

Your mothers warm embrace, the sound of her laugh, memories that had slipped away long ago rushing back like a tidal wave breaking down you down in a whirlwind of emotions that you can barely control, barely survive and you’re swept away, far away in a long gone memory. The warm smell of chocolate chip cookies your dad bakes every year for christmas and the sound of music being played on the piano, a warm jovial tune made from distilled happiness and a thousand breathtaking sunsets. You had forgotten how beautiful she sounded when she played the piano. Like an angel dancing on the keys your dad always said. And when she sang... even the songbirds fell silent. 

You shake your head and the warm fuzzy memories slip away, like hot cocoa down the drain, and a small tinge of sadness drapes over you when you realize that you might not get to taste that hot cocoa again for a while...

There’s no piano, no warm chocolate chip smell, only the sound of Aradia muttering and the quiet whistle in the air of scrying magic, like the whistle right before the world pops, or the way everything sounds when you get off a plane and your ears feel like there in a bubble or a blanket and everything sounds muffled and displaced. There’s no warm Christmas fire, just the windy chill of a wartorn wasteland. 

AA: Sorry!!  
AA: I forgot scrying has that flashback side effect on some people   
AA: We’re you having a good memory?

You reach up to wipe away a single tear from your eye looking back quickly to make sure Vriska didn’t see it. She’s talking with Dave and you see her laugh a little at something he said, her eyes gleaming with a burning passion that characterizes everything Vriska Serket does. She’s the most... the most “alive person” you’ve ever met, if that makes any sense. Like whatever she does, she makes sure to do it twenty times better than anyone else. A bonfire in a land of little camplights, and somehow you’ve gotten burnt by her and left with a ravishing hunger for more. 

A stab of jealousy that you don’t quite comprehend runs through you, and you catch yourself clenching your hand into a fist. There’s no reason to be jealous of Dave making Vriska laugh, no reason at all. You’re being stupid. Stop being stupid. Rose, Rose is what matters, not Vriska and certainly not Dave talking to Vriska...

EB: The best.  
EB: Im just kind of sad that it’ll never happen again  
AA: Yea I know   
AA: But you can make new memories!!  
AA: And you’ll always have all your good memories in your heart!!  
AA: Even if that does sound a little corny...  
EB: No you’re right  
EB: You’re pretty wise ya know that?  
AA: Haha I try  
AA: Oh I found Rose!!  
EB: Really?!  
EB: Where?   
AA: Right below us actually

 

TT: Hello dear brother I hope it wasn't too much of an inconvenience to come to my aid.  
EB : Rose!! I'm so glad you're okay!!!  
GA: Unfortunately Okay Might Be A Little Bit Of A Premature Conclusion Considering We Are Trapped In Demonic Chains And There Is An Extremely Powerful Dog-like Creature That Patrols These Dungeons Sporadically  
GA: But I Am Quite Pleased To See You John  
EB: You too Kan!! Where's Jade and Roxy though?  
GA: She Wasn't Here When We Woke Up So It IS Only Reasonable To Infer That They Are Locked Up Somewhere Else. 

Talking to Kanaya always leaves you feeling a little... confused. She's really cool and you've never seen her be anything but nice with other people but she shares an eloquence with Rose that is just a little above the level of normal human comprehension. Having said that what you did understand was that there was a dog monster that was going to be here soon and that it would be ABSOLUTELY SPLENDID if you could all be gone by then 

TT: Do be careful dear brother. From what I've been able to gather from the guards these chains have a rune lock that explodes within half a minute of any attempted magic.  
TT: I suggest you think of a way to disable the rune lock within that time limit. It would be preferable not to be blown up today if at all possible.  
TG: Don't worry Rose we gotcha. You have no idea how much we got this like people be walking down the streets all like chilling and shit and one of them goes like hey what happened to the rose chick didn't she get locked up and the other peeps are all like damn bro dont worry striders got it and then they all break out into a musical song and dance.  
EB: ...  
EB: Dave come help me break these chains. Vriska Terezi you lead the others and make sure nobody's coming.   
AG: Do ya know how to disenchant magical locks?  
EB: Umm  
AG: Didn't think so   
AG: I'll take care of the locks you just sit back and watch young grasshopper ::::)

You stand awkwardly as she whispers a long string of enchantments under her breath. Hopefully she knows what she's doing, I mean this is Vriska you're talking about so she probably won't end up accidentally blowing up your platonic stepsister but you can't help feeling a little nervous. The rune locks glow a bright purple with each enchantment before dimming back into oblivion. 

A light clicking punctuates the pauses in between her muttered incantations reminding you that thirty seconds is not in fact a long span of time by any stretch of the imagination and that if Vriska doesn't hurry up this mission could very well go up in flames... literally. 

Her muttering grows faster and louder as does the look of irritation on her face as if saying how dare a measly lock defy the great Vriska Serket. The metal glows red hot around the now constant glowing purple rune as the ticking grows louder and louder. 

EB: Uhh are y-

And that's all you manage to say before a flick of her hand sends you crashing backwards into the wall. She's shouting now, over the ringing in your ears, the runes visible for a fraction of a second as gusts of smoke before dissipating into the newly created fog of the cavern and its with a final flash of her eight-pupiled eye that the purple rune melts ebony black.

AG: See no big deal!  
AG: Easy a-as pi-

Her eyelids flicker before closing and the sound of her face hitting the concrete as she faints doesn't sound promising at all. Its a good thing her sword was safely in its scabbard or it would have probably skewered her on the way down.

You stand up from your crumpled position against the wall and hobble back over to the main group

EB: Seriously guys????  
EB: Not one of you guys were able to catch her???  
TT: umm John?  
EB: No seriously she just used up all her magic and probably has a concussion the least you guys could do is make sure she doesn't br-  
GA: John darling I would look behind you 

Its only then you notice that all of the stares are directed behind you. 

You turn around and come face to face with a giant black, something.

Whatever it is, giant cockroach, big black dog, horribly disfigured shadow demon, it's about a foot taller than you not counting the massive jagged wingspan. Shadow wings, unlike any you've seen before. Either this guy's been in one too many fights or his wings were designed by a 6 year-old with no idea how to draw a straight curve. Whatever the reason, the uneven jaggedness of it gives him a very sinister look. 

Moreover you notice a big red warning sign pop up on your visor. You REALLY hate big red warning signs. Wait not just A big red warning sign, multiple big red warning signs. 

MANA DECREASING  
HEALTH DECREASING  
CP DECREASING  
POISONED  
HEALTH AT HALFWAY POINT  
20% MANA REMAINING 

Shit so this guy has an aura field okay no biggie just back out of the field attack him from a distance.

PARALYZED

Well shit. That happens to be your last thought before the draining of all your CP points knocks you unconscious. 

 

**Be Rose**

The situation is hardly conducive to any sort of favorable ending unfortunately. The cerulean dressed female towards whom John possesses protective, possibly romantic, feelings towards is indisposed and possibly wounded. John himself followed suit and passed out right in front of the demon servant that took out your team previously. You and Kanaya are still bound in these Cyramantium chains. 

That last problem at least you can solve now that there are no longer encasive runes protecting the locks. You summon forth a small tendril of magic from the abyss. He perks up from the stone ground and runs up your legs prompting a quiet giggle as shivers accompany his path. You recognize this certain spirit. He comes from the Cocytus river in the underworld. He's picked up a certain fondness of you apparently as he seems to always appear even when the summons is supposed to be random. No matter you've grown rather fond of him too. He bobs your nose with a slight demonly chill and hovers in midair in front of your face awaiting orders. You should name this spirit, something suitable to his dark but cuddly nature. Perhaps fylgja from old Norse mythology? No matter you can think of it later. Right now we have business to attend to. 

You order fylgja(no that will never do that name has positively no ring to it) to unlock the bindings chaining you and kanaya. With no further prompting he buries deep into the metal visible only as a small streak of black on grey. 7 times he goes around the chain(counterclockwise of course that goes without saying) before it pops off with a snap and you almost collapse from the sudden weight on your fatigued ankles. Several seconds later and kanaya repeats the process with slightly more grace on her landing. 

You survey the battle unfolding in front of you. Your brother and the girl whose flamboyant outfit is visibly bothering Kanaya are working as a mid-range duo, just outside the damaging aura field but close enough that they can still dart in faster than time(literally) to rip out huge swaths of fur and scales. Periodic bursts of fire from a giant dragon with a rather boyish rider bathe the enemy with a carpet of red and black. Behind him the green incongruously exuberant chick is healing a two meter long scrape on the side of the dragon. If you had to guess you would say that a shadow swipe was the culprit. Alternating with the swaths of fire are red and blue psionic beams from Sollux and large rapid-fire rifle blasts from a tall rugged purple-caped companion. That is simply not the smartest fashion choice for Flarping or life in general. Capes are terribly inefficient and tend to get caught in every potentially fatal moving object within a half mile. Capes can only lead to certain limb dismemberment and public humiliation. It doesn't seem statistically possible and yet somehow its true. Oh well as long as he continues sending huge blasts of aura towards the enemy you'll ignore his presumably pretentious and immature fashion statement. 

You catch Kanaya's eyes fixed towards the same person and shake your head in a conspiratorial manner. 

TT: He could use one of your fashion makeovers  
GA: I Simply Don't Comprehend Why He Would Do Such A Thing.  
TT: Later darling  
TT: Have you recovered enough to join the fight?  
GA: Yes I Do Believe So   
TT: Good how do you propose we commence our attack?

The smirk growing on her face piques your interest 

TT: What do you have in mind?  
GA: Open Up A Shadow Path Originating Right Here And Opening Up Right Behind Him.  
TT: Kanaya.  
GA: Rose Trust Me.  
TT: I trust you but even I can't travel the shadow paths and Lucifer knows I've tried. They weren't designed with human travel in mind. Not to mention that even if such a thing were possible your lawful good alignment would conflict with the unlawful evil nature of that magic.   
GA: You Seem To Have Forgotten One Very Crucial Thing About Your Girlfriend My Rose From Hell.

Her light green elven cloak shimmered into a much more unique outfit. Dark red, like the blood that gives her sustenance, outlined with swirls of crimson and you can honestly say her dress is stunning. All her dresses are absolutely gorgeous but none quite so bold as this one. The hem of the dress only reaches mid-thigh letting glowing flashes of thigh peek out above her executioners boots. Made of simple darkstone, their cruel simplicity provides contrast with the fiery red. A single pair of white gloves reach up to her elbow with only the occasional purple rune flashing across the surface to give away the power within. Her hair is tied up in a single knot, tied with a single pure white flower, with subtle highlights of dark green. Dark overreaching yet not overpowering eyeshadow and a jet black tint of lipstick to match, the tint she uses when she feels like drawing on _that_ power.

GA: Im A Rainbow Drinker, A Vampire, A Strygoi, Turned By The Eldest And Strongest Strygoi To Ever Blight The Veripf Forests No Less.  
GA: Whatever I Desire To Drink I Can.  
GA: Whatever I Wish To Accomplish Shall Be Done.

Her rainbow drinker's luminescence grows with every word. Her shadow whisks away, only to be returned after the nightmare is over. In that instant, with Kanaya showing a single bloody fang over her freshly painted lips, you feel a VERY strong attraction to your Vampire Girlfriend. You always were a sucker for the evil ones. 

TT: Have I ever told you how sexy you are when you turn?  
GA: Multiple Times In Fact.   
GA: Perhaps Afterwards I Will Be Afforded A Taste From The Mistress Of Darkness.

You shudder a little at those words. Not that you hadn't done that before but its always unsettling(among other things) to think of those fangs on your neck.

TT: Return and I see no reason why not.   
GA: I Shall Look Forward To That Then My Human Lover.

With one last long piercing look that could only be described as paralysing(though sultry might also come close to fitting the bill) your girlfriend turns toward the black portal you summoned and steps in with the grace of an avenging angel leading her army from hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *throws fanfic at you and apologizes on hands and knees for super long hiatus(gigahiatus)*
> 
> fanfic rec- Lovve 8ites and So Do I. Quite literally the 2nd best description of blackrom I have ever met.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading  
> This is my first fanfic so tell me what you think  
> Don't forget to leave a suggestion about what the characters should do next so I can continue the story  
> Oh and wednesday is going to be my update day  
> Love y'all <3
> 
> EDIT::: If any of y'all peeps want to rp or talk then just txt me, my numbers 407-493-4392 and I dont bite(and if you just want to talk bout a problem or something I promise I wont judge, trust me ive been there)


End file.
